I wake up in the grip of fear. I have to become an automaton to make it to my automatic coffee maker. Then I put together a cup of lentils on the stove top. I have to push all other thoughts out of my head or I can’t get started. Then it is off to the bathroom and take my pills, I need a bens in the morning as soon as I feel the anxiety start. Otherwise if I wait an hour it is too late. After that my coffee is ready and I switch on the computer. I used to scroll Twitter but now since I’ve started this blog it gives me something else to do. I read most of the blogs I follow who posted before I woke up. If I do all this I am usually set to face the day.
Yesterday was pretty uneventful. I pulled myself together before noon and walked to the pharmacy and Goodwill store. I need some clean T shirts for summer but they were almost sold out. I bought one but it was too small when I got it home. I also got a good jacket to wear in the rain in warm months. I only had winter coats before and they weren’t waterproof.
I read a sample of a book by Patti Smith, “Year of the Monkey” and it was pretty good so I borrowed it while I wait for another book. The app is weird. You need a library card to use it and they have limited copies of some books so you have to put some on hold sometimes. My question is if the books are digital, how can there be a limited number of copies? It doesn’t make sense to me. I’ve never had a book reader before so I don’t know how it works on other apps. I can’t read like I did when I was younger so I can afford to wait.
Yesterday and today have been going fine. Except for my usual morning problems I’ve been feeling like a normal human. I rack my brain to figure out what makes the difference between a good day and a bad day. Sometimes my mood is completely disconnected from what is going on in my life. I go to bed and wake up at the same time, take my meds at the same time, eat the same. I can’t understand why some days I cannot function at all. Today was pretty good and it’s almost midnight so it can only get better.
Sometimes I can fall asleep without taking my meds. It’s fitful and I wake myself every half hour rolling over and back to sleep again. This happened last night around midnight until I finally took my meds at 5. I watched tv for 15 minutes then I was out till 9. I’m not tired.
I just finished my first book since my accident 3 years ago. “Year of the Monkey” by Patti Smith. Up until recently I couldn’t concentrate through more than a couple long paragraphs. I’m so happy. I used to read forever. Actually my first book was an audio but this one was text (digital) and it forced me to concentrate on the page. I like it better than audio. I will probably write a post about it later.
I am only able to do meditations when I don’t really need them. I did 2, 30 minute guided sleep meditations last night. I was so relaxed I fell asleep for about 10 minutes then woke up with more anxiety than ever.
I’ve been very productive today and that usually helps to lift my mood and keep me from going down the rabbit hole. I walked to the grocery and stocked up. I wrote a blog post about the book I read and I started another audio book. I listened to an hour yesterday and I am going to try to listen to another hour today. It is a 9 hour listen so I am glad it is audio rather than a text version.
My daughter asked me if I could wait until next week to go see her. She has been sad this week. Her mom said she is crying because she thinks she is hurting my feelings. My feelings aren’t hurt. I’m just wondering if it is normal 15 year old things or something else. I’m worried because mental illness runs in both her mom’s and my families. I don’t want her going through depression or worse in her life. I know it sucks.
It’s funny. My first instinct was to get drunk over it. Get completely obliterated until I can’t feel my feelings anymore. But there is not enough alcohol in the world for that. It doesn’t work that way for me. Alcohol amplifies my feelings and I drink more and more until I finally black out and there is nothing there. Until I wake up the next day. Then it comes back worse than ever. I also tend to skip my meds when I’m drinking and that is not a good idea. Skipping my meds means I can stay awake for days and drink more than anything. A few months ago before my depression lifted, I would have done just that.
Alcohol is fucked up. It changes your brain. Even though I know I can’t drink, I still want to get shit faced. There is a small but powerful part of my brain that actually wants bad things to happen to give me an excuse to get drunk. Even a death in my family would be acceptable to that part of my mind as long as it meant my reptile brain could get what it wants. This is the perfect time too. The weekend is here and I could get wasted for 4 days and keep it to myself. Nobody would know I’m an idiot. Nobody would know I can’t deal with my feelings.
It’s only 10am. If I started now I could drink a case of beer today before the store closed tonight. Who knows what would happen tomorrow. A few months ago I would already have the beer. That buzzing in my ear telling me everything is going to be better. I don’t count the days since my last drink. That seems obsessive. I don’t like to brag about how long it’s been since I drank. I know it could end today and I would be right back where I started.
I really hope my daughter is going through normal teenage angst. I worry about her every day. I don’t want her medicated before she is 18. I want it to be her choice. If she thinks she needs it. I don’t want her to need medication at all and doctors are so quick to diagnose and prescribe to young children. I didn’t know what to say to her. I just said it’s okay to feel bad and I will always love her. I told her it wouldn’t be normal to feel good every day. It’s hard; I can only do it through text. She doesn’t phone or FaceTime with anyone. She never like it. I wish I could just go there and tell her it’s fine.
I could easily worst case scenario this and ruin myself. I don’t know how I’m being so calm about it. I usually blow stuff up and catastrophize. I guess writing helps. That’s why I opened this blog. I used to write long emails to people but I don’t have any good email friends anymore. I just sit here alone and ruminate. At least this lets it go somewhere. This is part of why my blog is anonymous.
The depression hit me this morning. Along with that friendly voice telling me I’m worthless and should kill myself. Of course I can’t listen but I know how to stop it. At least temporarily. But it will only come back tenfold. I didn’t use anything yesterday and don’t plan on it today. Funny, the 4th of July was harder. Maybe because I had a defined plan to get drunk. I was only hours away from following through but somehow stopped myself. Today all I can do is turn up the music to drown out my voice. Meditation would be impossible. My therapist is always telling me to try it. But it only works when I don’t need it.
Alcohol isn’t my drug of choice. It’s just so cheap and accessible. There are 2 state run liquor stores in my small town. Dedicated to selling only hard stuff. I stay away from that but I can go into any other store in town and buy beer or wine. I’m so old I don’t even get carded. All I need is a form of payment and boom.
I’m surprisingly chilled out today after a rocky start. I ate something and now I’m having a couple cups of weak coffee. I can’t make it too strong because I don’t sleep anyway. It helps me focus my mind into one stream.
It’s been really quiet in my apartment complex for the last few weeks. I think the drunk woman upstairs moved out because she was very loud. And you can hear everything in the hallways. Every day I was getting paranoid and thinking those noises were someone coming for me to take me away. That is a welcome change. I think it is a large part of me attempting to read books again.
It’s 2am and I just got catfished. People like to do that when they are bored. I should have known by the way she avoided some of my questions. It was good until I tried to trade numbers to meet up then she disappeared. Figures