My two girlfriends came over and helped me relieve some stress. I’ve been seeing them about once a month for a year now. I talked them into coming over twice this month because I needed to calm down. I met the older one on a dating site and she brought her younger friend with her. It’s very businesslike. They come over during the day, we talk a little, have sex and they leave. For the longest time I wasn’t sure if they were faking it to make me feel like the man. Today they were talking to each other and said, it doesn’t compare, they can’t do that for themselves at home. Sex is the only safe drug I have and it is better than any other. My brain is buzzing now and my whole mind and body are calm.
The situation with them is fine but I need something else too. Somewhere along the spectrum of today and a real relationship. I know I can’t handle a real relationship. I need to find someone I can hang out with for a night once in a while.
My case manager texts me on Mondays and calls me on Wednesdays. If I don’t respond then she calls the cops for a “Wellness Check.” That is where they cuff me and stuff me and bring me to the psych ward. They don’t care if all the neighbors in my large apartment complex see me handcuffed, searched and stuck in he back of the wagon. Even better they just drop me off at the psych ward and leave me to find my own ride home if the hospital decides I don’t need to be admitted. It’s fun to be treated like a criminal just because I have a mental illness.
Before my therapist went on maternity leave, I had her calling on Fridays to do the same thing. Ostensibly it was a therapy session but she was trying to get me off the phone as soon as she started talking to me. “How are you feeling? Are you taking your meds? Okay, talk to you same time next week.” I don’t blame her; I was her last call on a Friday afternoon and she just wanted to get on with her weekend.
A couple months ago I missed one of these calls. I never put my phone on mute but for some reason I had on that day. I was in the other room and I heard the vibrating noise but didn’t know what it was. It clicked and I rushed to my phone but I was too late. Before I could finish listening to my therapist’s voicemail, my case manager was calling. Then she texted me. I had to hang up the phone and text back I was okay. If I didn’t hear my phone I would have had a cop, “cop knocking” at my door. You know how they do it. Banging really loud and announcing to the whole neighborhood they are the police and why they are there. I”m tired of this shit.
I have a little time before I go to see my daughter. I hope she still likes me. I’m sure she does. My mind just blows things out of proportion. I’m always worrying about something. I was talking to my friend who has three daughters. As soon as I told her what was going on with my daughter she said, It’s puberty and it sucks for the child and the parent. That is what I knew anyway but I always make things worse for myself. I will feel better after I bicycle there.
I started an epic story for my Wednesday post but I don’t think I will get it done in time. The more I wrote the more I thought of to write. It’s not like I have to post on Wednesday, it’s just that I have every week since I started this blog. I think my first post was on that day.
I biked to my daughter’s house today. I got a pretty good sun/wind burn on my face. It doesn’t take much and it was the first time I sat out on the beach this year. It was almost 90 degrees outside. I’m using the AC for one of the few times.
My daughter is fine. I just get it tied up in my head one way and can’t get it out. I spend too much time alone.
6am. I just reversed my sleep schedule by falling asleep before midnight. I must be tired from riding my bike yesterday.
A few nights ago when I wasn’t sleeping I signed up for a dating site again to maybe meet someone. It was the same as I remember. I can click around and it tells you who is online at the moment. I send a bunch of messages and don’t get any responses from the women I think are compatible. Everyone is way too serious on there. I send humorous messages so people know I’m not taking it seriously or trying to get married or something. If I’m not serious enough that is the end of the conversation. People are so rude, they just stop talking to you if you don’t say the perfect thing.
I did see someone from my town who seemed normal so I was talking to her for a couple nights. I was making her laugh but she didn’t really like me. She likes to go out for drinks and I just can’t do that. I tried to get her number to text but she didn’t want to and I realized I can’t go out on real dates anyway. It’s only been 3 nights and I am done with it I think. I don’t know who really meets up on the site. All the men want sex and all the women don’t want sex. Some women I see say they are looking to get married and they are in their 40’s. You can’t find your husband on a free dating app. Good thing it is free and I didn’t waste any money on it. It just made me realize I’m not prepared to date anyone. I just want to hang out and talk and do some low key activities. I don’t want to go out party every night or even on the weekends. I don’t need something spectacular going on all the time.
I finished my Wednesday post. I didn’t proofread it. I just finished typing and hit publish. I feel like I left out some important points but it was also getting too long for anyone to read. The title doesn’t make any sense unless you know the name of the town Telluride is a contraction of the phrase, “T’ ‘ell ‘U’ ride.” It is what they would tell the gold miners back in the 1800’s because it was such a long trail with no supply stations and it led to the middle of nowhere.
Just like that, I ditched the online dating. I’m in no condition to meet someone new. I am doing the bare minimum keeping up with my place. There is cat hair all over the floor and already this morning I said, fuck vacuuming.
Before my therapist went on maternity leave, one of the quality of life questions she would always ask me is if I was doing my laundry. I would always lie and say yes. On the last day we talked I decided to tell her, no, I’m not doing my laundry. She asked me how it was getting done. Like I have a maid service or something. She works with mentally ill people every day and she couldn’t fathom a person wouldn’t wash their clothes. I”m glad she took a few months off. She can be dense sometimes.
I have never hit the “pink cloud” phase people at AA talk about. It doesn’t matter how long I go without drinking, I never get that feeling my life has magically transformed. Maybe it’s my drinking style. I never drank every day. Instead I would get get really drunk on the weekends without thinking about booze on the days in between. I didn’t know until it was too late that is another form of alcoholism called binge drinking. I always thought you had to drink every day to become dependent on alcohol.
Binge drinking is defined as having 5 or more drinks for the average size man and 4 drinks for an average size woman in one sitting. If you are doing that on an typical night out you could be looking at some trouble later in life. Your blood alcohol content has nothing to do with how much you actually weigh. It is determined by how much you “should” weigh based on your height. That is because it doesn’t matter how much weight you gain, your body never makes a larger quantity of blood to make up for it. The idea that a larger man can handle more alcohol is a myth. The only reason they can handle more is because they have a tolerance. Having a tolerance is another major red flag for alcoholism.
I am sitting here in my 3rd or 4th month without drinking and I am still waiting for that pink fuzzy cloud to surround my brain. I’ve read stories of other alcoholics feeling it as soon as one month sober. I’m not sure if that can be true. A lifetime of problems aren’t just going away because you stopped drinking for 30 days.
My depression has lifted but not because I stopped drinking. It was the opposite. My depression dissipated first and that is how I was able to put the brakes on my drinking. I’ve had longer periods without drinking but I’ve never experienced the “miracle” they tell you to sit back and wait to arrive.
It is only 10am and I’ve already written on here and also did two book reviews. I’m usually just waking up at this time so I don’t know what made me so productive. Just a couple days ago I was struggling to write anything. I only had my usual 2 cups of coffee. Any more and my mind is ruined for the whole day. I learned that the hard way. Now I’ve bought myself some time to write about more interesting topics. If I can think of something.
Wow. Right after I wrote that I got incredibly depressed. Like I have to go to bed depresssed. But there was no sleeping. My schedule is upside down. I have to pull a 24 hour day to make it to 5am and fix it. After I came out of it I had bad anxiety and paced around until 5pm. That’s when I feel safer. I am always afraid they are going to break the door down between 9 and 5.