Dark as Knight

Wispy smoke

I’m traveling through time right now. I wrote this a month ago and scheduled it to post now. (It really is 3am though) I recently started blogging and I haven’t posted much. I’m not sure which direction my blog is going to go. I wanted a chance to let this sit on my brain before I decided if I was going to let you see it or not. Maybe I will be as surprised as you in a month’s time. Two things before I start. Being schizophrenic, I attract other schizophrenics. I’m not sure why. I don’t believe in fate but I am attracted to the idea of synchronicity. Second, if it seems like I have a lot of girlfriends in a short period of time it’s because I’m not always monogamous. But I am upfront about it.

Shortly after I moved down here I became email friends with “Jen.” We didn’t exchange basic information like ages and what we did for work or where we lived. We were both using anonymous email accounts so we didn’t even know each other’s names. I just sent her one of my typical long ass meandering manic emails and to my surprise she replied just as expansively. We told each other deeply intense stories of our lives and found we had a lot in common. A lot.

I thought I had extricated myself from a situation with another woman but she continued to stalk me digitally. I told Jen about it and she assured me she wasn’t the stalking type. We emailed each other probably more than once a day for at least a month. Finally late one night my curiosity got the best of me and I had to find out who I she was. I asked her if she would meet me and by some shocking coincidence we lived only 20 minutes apart.

When she got here I texted her to wait for me to come down and let her in. The door was unlocked so we happened to meet as she was coming out of the elevator on my floor. To my surprise, she was black as the ace of spades. Her skin was so dark her collection of tattoos barely showed up on the background. I say, “to my surprise”, because my state is pretty homogeneous. In fact I would say it is about 99% white. So to meet a black person at random who lived just up the street was quite a feat. It didn’t matter to me. I opened my arms and threw a big hug on her. Months later she told me that was how she knew she would be coming back again.

Jen had told me her boyfriend was emotionally abusive and made her feel she was only good for sex. I told her I would show her she was good for something more than sex. That first night we spent lying in my bed very close together, talking, but I kept my word and didn’t try any moves on her. The next night she came over again and I told her my promise was only good for the first night. She said she didn’t mind and would have let me if I had tried. That night we had Electric Sex.

Sex with Jen was always Electric. It was with her that I first experienced what I call a “brain-gasm”. It was during a long, heated session. I eventually had an orgasm but I didn’t ejaculate. I had to stop and flipped over on my back. I had an extreme buzzing feeling that started in my brain and emanated throughout my entire body. It was impossible to move for at least 15 minutes. Jen had the same experience. I haven’t read much about it but I think it is what they are talking about on the subject of Tantric Sex.

Our 2 year relationship was based mostly on sex. Jen had some very specific rules on that. One of them was she would never spend the night. She felt that was something you only did with your significant other. She did fall asleep almost immediately after sex and I would joke that I must have done it right because I knocked her out. But she always woke up and went home before morning.

She also had specific rules on the men she would date. They had to be white and over 35. Lucky me. She thought younger, black men were assholes. She said it was because she grew up in a very bad neighborhood in New Jersey, which is where her family is from. Speaking of her family, I should mention I was one year older than her dad. It felt a little weird but we had so much in common it was natural.

Jen’s life plan was to be married by the time she was 25 and have kids by the time she was 30. She was 25 when I met her so life wasn’t going according to plan. I told her immediately I had been married once and was never going to do it again and also I had one child that was enough for me. I don’t believe in playing on people’s feelings.

Jen was good for more than just sex. She had written 2 books and designed and made her own clothes. She was also a deep thinker. I liked that about her. Did I mention she was schizo like me? Unlike me, she refused treatment. Well, I guess she was like me as I refused treatment when I was her age.

She had a great job as an executive assistant at Planet Fitness. Not just one gym but working directly for the owners of the whole company. She had trouble there because she would have meltdowns at work and would have to run to the bathroom to cry for extended periods of time. She texted me during one of those times and I asked her if she was starting her period. She said she was surprised and how did I know. I told her it was because after knowing her for so long I noticed a pattern of her meltdowns coming monthly. She had gone to a doctor who wanted to put her on birth control to moderate her periods and make them shorter. She refused that too.

Jen eventually lost her job at Planet Fitness related to the above. They noticed her having problems too and it was interfering with her job. They finally gave her an ultimatum. She either had to go to counseling or she would lose her job. She chose to lose her job. I tried to talk her into going to counseling by telling her she didn’t have to say anything she didn’t feel comfortable with but she would have none of it.

Most of my casual relationships end for no other reason than drifting apart or someone moving too far away to continue. With Jen it was different. We would use Facebook to chat while she was at work almost daily in the mornings. When I cancelled my Facebook account for personal reasons, I didn’t tell anyone I cancelled it. A few days later Jen texted me and asked me if I blocked her and I said I blocked everyone. Even though I was still texting her she really did think I blocked her on Facebook. After that she didn’t want to talk to me and I never saw her again. I guess she took it very personal. She always was very sensitive.

Jen was sensitive. She thought all of her friends secretly hated her. She thought she was evil, even though she would do anything for a friend and was always nice and polite unless she lost her temper. We never got in any fights but she would tell me about it when she did. I found it hard to reconcile her feelings of nobody liking her. I would see pictures on her Facebook page of her out having a good time with her friends but the next day she would tell me nobody wants her around. I think she spent too much time on Facebook seeking validation. That is why she stopped talking to me when she thought I blocked her. I promised I didn’t do that to her but I guess she didn’t believe me.

I met Jen a couple of years after my “Summer of Fun.”

3 thoughts on “Dark as Knight

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