I did something bad my one night back on a dating site. Something I never do. I lied about what I do for work. Not to everyone. Just 3 women in particular. Some background. I don’t send messages to just anyone. I have to pick my spots. I have to guess who might be receptive. Knowing most of the time I’m just going to be ignored. Part of that is because in no way do I indicate I’m taking the dating app seriously. When I do send a message I don’t send the same cheesy line to everyone. I usually try to think of a funny question that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no.
I lied on impulse because of something that has happened to me countless times. After I took some time to to write something that would elicit a reply, 3 women answered in the exact same way. “What do you do for a living?” (How much money do you have?) Not “Hi”, Not “haha”, Not even a simple, “lol.” No niceties. Just an immediate, “What do you do for a living?” Excuse me, that is so fucking rude. At least I put in a modicum of effort. I would rather be ignored. I thought, if that is all they care about I am going to see what happens. Instead of saying I’m on disability, I said I do tech support from home. Usually telling a woman I’m on disability is a conversation killer. I can understand but they don’t have to be so fucking rude about it. A long time ago I had a woman tell me I was wasting everyone’s time. Not just her time, everyone’s time. Just for existing.
I’d like to say I was surprised, but what a reception I got after I lied and they thought I made good money. Never before had any of the “What do you do for a living?” people ever shown so much interest in me. Suddenly they wanted to know everything about me. I don’t blame them if I said I was looking for a serious relationship and wanted to wine and dine them and meet their family and all that bullshit. I’m just looking for someone I can spend a little time with, I don’t want to meet their kids and be their step-dad. And I don’t want anyone meeting my daughter.
Those 3 were the longest conversations I had that night. But then I ghosted them. What was I going to do? I wasn’t going to catfish them and meet under false pretenses. It reminded me of everything I hate about dating sites and why I spend so little time on them. The second day I didn’t even sign in. The third day I logged in only to delete my account and that was it. Done.
I almost started a fight yesterday, which is very uncharacteristic for me. I was already in a mood as I had to force myself to leave the house to walk to the grocery store. It was a perfect day for a walk but I couldn’t stop cursing out loud to myself as I went down the street.
I was crossing the road and a car came up behind me and hit the horn because he couldn’t wait 2 seconds to get into the cigarette/beer store. I don’t know where he learned to drive but I was going straight and he was turning so I had the right of way. That was no excuse for what happened next, again, I never do this kind of thing.
I spun around and gave him the finger and shouted, “Fuck you!”. He stopped the car, rolled down the window and started to say something. I yelled back, “I will fucking destroy you!” Again he was about to shout back and I went off again, “Step out of the car if you feel like fucking dying today!” He rolled up the window and drove away.
I walked the rest of the way reliving the moment and still swearing to myself. It was a good thing I was wearing a mask at the store because nobody could see me cursing them. People walking the wrong way down clearly marked aisles; wandering in my way. Others who couldn’t figure out the correct way to wear a mask. Either their nose or their mouth was exposed or sometimes both. Idiots!
As I was almost home I was still in a rage and I had decided to drink it away; turn all that anger inward and hate myself the whole next day. Because that is something I do. I get angry and drink to punish other people.
After I got home and put my food away, I felt safer and I started laughing at myself. What was I doing? I wanted to seriously hurt someone only because they beeped their horn at me. I was ready to ruin my entire weekend by getting drunk and deathly hungover or worse spend the night in jail with charges pending.
How silly was I to snap like that? I have a wicked temper but it is usually reserved for people who try to hurt me purposefully. I was ready to kill over a minor transgression I normally would let slide without thinking about. It was just the perfect storm.
It was my therapist’s idea to lie on the dating site. She didn’t specifically say that but whenever I told her I was having trouble, she told me not to say I was on disability. But when I asked her what I should say she never had a good answer.
I’m sick of people asking me if I’m drinking when something happens. Drinking is the cure not the cause.
I reached out to my case manager yesterday. I told her about not sleeping, not being able to sit still for 2 seconds and threatening to kill some strangers. Her response was, “Are you taking your meds? Have you been drinking?” I told her yes on the meds and no on the drinking. The next thing she said was don’t hesitate to get in touch if I need it. I thought that was what I was doing. I don’t blame her, she’s not a medical professional. She did offer to contact my doctor to see if I needed any changes. I said no, I’m already taking 50 meds, I don’t want any more. I don’t really take 50 meds, but I do take a lot. Every time someone suggests changing my meds I say no. It has taken me years to find the right combo to help me with my symptoms without any major side effects.
I woke myself up crying this morning. Made some coffee, it didn’t help. I forced myself to pull it together and go to the store next door. I got a 10am meatball calzone to stuff in my fat face. The carbs and the fat didn’t help. I fell into bed and sounded like the cowardly lion. Then I started hyperventilating. I had to get up and made 2 more cups of coffee. I didn’t really want food and caffeine. I want something real to take away the pain.
I think I skipped my night meds too many times in the past couple weeks. I couldn’t help it, I kept falling asleep at unexpected times. I think it’s why I’ve been doing things on impulse I don’t usually do. Going on the dating site was more embarrassing than getting in a fight. I have so many strikes on a dating site, I’ve been thrown out of the game. Especially at my age where you are expected to be completely serious. I have nothing to bring to a relationship. That is why I’m not trying to get into one.
I put on a YouTube meditation for anxiety. I didn’t really do what they told me. I couldn’t breath deeply when they said. But listening in the background is good. The first one was an hour and now I am in hour 2 of the 2nd one. This one is a 3 hour meditation. I won’t listen that long. It’s a 6 part one but the first one is for deep sleep. How are you supposed to listen to the next 5 if you just put yourself to sleep? It only took me until 1:30 to calm down.
I’ve been going since 6am today/yesterday. I hate waking up before I can do anything. I”m trying to get my schedule back but I keep losing it. I can’t figure out why I’m tired one night and wide awake the next.
I biked to see my daughter today. She is doing fine. I get all worried about nothing.
Her mom and her friends were there this afternoon. I can’t understand how they can drink 2 glasses of wine and then just stop. If it was me the bottle would be finished and on to the next one. I wasn’t really bothered. I”m just curious what makes the difference.
I should have tired myself out with all the exercise I got but it’s 2am and I’m wide awake. My brain won’t slow down.