Yesterday I biked 25 miles round trip to see my daughter. It was 85 degrees and humid. I liked it. I love to sweat. It’s also good for my right leg which is smaller than my left since I got into a bad accident a few years ago. I broke both bones right below my knee. They put 8 pins in it and I can feel them when I put pressure. I also wrenched my knee. I did all the rehabilitation myself. That was the least of my problems. They were going to drill a hole in my skull to relieve the pressure on my brain. I had double vision for a long time. That cleared up but I still can’t see to my left side. When I want to take a left turn on my bicycle I have to stop and turn my head all the way around.
Some people give me shit about not seeing my daughter enough. I bet they wouldn’t do what I do. When I was driving we had an agreement I could visit once a week. Now in the summer I can go any time during the week, as many times as I want. I get along well with my ex-wife and she wants me to see my daughter as much as possible. It has still only been once a week so far this summer due to so much rain and I have to take days to get food also.
I follow a blog about abstaining from drinking. I didn’t get the whole month but I started following “Dry July” with them. It’s where you don’t drink for the month of July. They posted facts about alcohol, people’s sobriety stories, poems, etc… Then on July 29th they disappeared. It was weird. Maybe they ran out of material? Now they are back on August 2nd. It’s not like I started drinking again. Just strange.
Trying to decide if I can write a review on Patti Smith’s book, “Just Kids”, since I tried but could only get half way through it. I think that was enough to inform an opinion.
I don’t think I’ll be doing anything constructive today. I’ve only had a 20 minute nap in the past 24 hours. My anxiety is pretty intense. I only got halfway through a guided sleep meditation on YouTube. It made me focus on how I can’t breathe through my diaphragm today. I can only take short, shallow breaths into the tops of my lungs. Concentrating on this causes more anxiety and general tightness throughout my torso.
I finally got some sleep. About 4 hours, so I feel much better today. I find myself thinking I should go off my meds so I can get that great feeling of hypo-mania or mania. They took all of that away from me and left me with only long bouts of depression. Now the only part of mania I get is the lack of sleep. 24 hour days are pretty long when you stay awake the whole time.
I just wrote half a review of a book I could only get halfway through. It was a good book, I just had a personal problem. I’m trying to find new books to read but my library apps don’t have the greatest selection. I’m skimming a book now that I don’t think I will say anything about unless I run out of stories to post.
I love having sex in the afternoon. All of those feel good chemicals stay in my brain until I fall asleep at night. I slept deeper than usual and some of it has held on until today. It’s much better than anything my doctor can give me. It really relaxes my brain and even thwarts my voices. I wish my doctor could write a prescription for sex and I would just go to the sex store toget it filled.
These two girls are sharing me because it is safer than bringing another man into the mix. Since they know I’m not sleeping with anyone else, we are a self contained unit. It works out for all of us, I just wish it happened more often. I’m home all the time and we are in the middle of a pandemic so I can only wish to meet someone else.
I just finished another book to fill my mind with useful and useless facts about trees. I thought I would have a harder time reading on a tablet but I like it quite a bit. The pages never stick together and it has a built in dictionary. That helps me because I am too lazy to stop reading and open my dictionary app. I have forgotten a lot of words since I was unable to read for a couple years. I’m so happy it just came back to me.
I forced myself to go to the store today because I was running out of food. Thinking about it in the morning sucked. It was easier because I had a phone call in the afternoon and if I just get up and leave without thinking, I can do it. Walking there sucked. The wind in the trees and the sound of car tires on the road turned into voices talking to me. On the way home wasn’t bad. I was concentrating on my leg muscles and the weight on my back.
Woke myself upwitha fucking panic attack. I was already overbreathing and heart attack. I got the most selleep I got all week I don’t know why. Thought I wasn’t gong to see my daughter because if it an that made it workse. It ‘s already lasting for more than an hour and a hslf. I used to have a contrarian nurse practionaer he was half my age I described my panic atttacks to him and all he said was “panic attacks don’t last that long” that’s it no advice. He was a cocksucker. alll he ddid was disagree with me. Iv’e been doing this since he was in grade school. I got rid of him.
It may not be real; but I still hear it.
I don’t remember much about yesterday. My whole body hurt when I woke up. I had to pedal into some fierce winds and it took all my energy to make it home. My daughter was great. We spent the day on the porch with her 4 dogs. Yes, 4.
Exercise gets the feel good chemicals going too but mostly endorphins. They break down quickly and the pain comes back.
Even though in the past 48 hours I’ve gone from feeling good to feeling depressed to feeling nothing at all; It seems like however I feel at the moment is how I’ve always felt and is how I will always feel. I know life is transient but everything feels like forever.