“Just stay in the moment, ” They say. “What if the moment sucks?” I ask. I don’t know what happened to yesterday. I woke up and made some coffee like normal. I turned on the music to get the morning noise out of my head. I didn’t last one song. I turned it off and sat there. That was too much for me. I tried the t.v. I didn’t make it until the first commercial break. I turned it off and sat there. It was too much. Okay, I could try reading. That was a joke. I picked up the book and put it down before I read one word. I sat there. I couldn’t take it. I tried my computer. Too much bad news. Even the joke tellers gave up telling jokes. I went back to bed to like down. That lasted two minutes and I was back up. I don’t know how many times I repeated this cycle throughout the day. To no avail.
“Agitation” was the word of the day. I just looked it up. The definition fits perfectly.
It happened again! I thought if I made myself leave the house without thinking about it I could get my hair cut. It went okay. I almost forgot my mask. She was almost done and I started hearing things and got the paranoia. I just wanted to get out of there. I forgot how to use my debit card. I just stood there while the machine beeped at me to remove my card. I rushed home.
Again, I couldn’t sit, stand or lie down. I definitely wasn’t going outside again. I got desperate late in the night and tried a guided meditation on YouTube. I checked the timer; I didn’t even make it 2 minutes!
I’ve been having about 4 good hours in the mornings and then my day goes to shit. I can’t function.
I was thinking of not having coffee but it never bothered me before and I only drink 2 regular cups. I’m going to have to shift my schedule so I can do things after midnight again. That has been the best time for me lately. I even read a couple chapters. Could not sit still yesterday until night.
Last Friday I got a phone call from a number I didn’t recognize. Then I got a text that said, Hey this is J give me a call. I hadn’t seen her since she just disappeared over a year ago. She told me she had been in California. She asked if she could come over later. About 7pm I got a text that said be there soon. I waited and she never showed. I wasn’t worried. That is normal for her. But I didn’t think she would do it the first night.
She texted me again yesterday. Same thing. I knew she wouldn’t be here early. She is a late night person. So I took a shower and turned on the tv to wait. I was right. She showed up after midnight. J is schizophrenic like me. I don’t know how I find them. I don’t advertise for it. It’s just synchronicity.
Unlike me, I don’t think J takes her meds. When she got here she said she hadn’t slept in 3 days. On the phone she had told me about a carpet beetle problem she had at her place. When she came out of the bathroom she said I had them too. Then she got in my room and was searching the floor. She kept telling me she saw them. Apparently they are so small and move so slowly that only she can see them.
The only insects I have seen in my apartment are spiders. I tried to ignore her but she kept spotting more. (I could still see nothing) I was starting to get itchy from all the talk. She stayed for a couple hours and then told me she was going home to throw away her bed and everything so she could finally get some sleep. She had bought an air mattress. She told me they don’t bite but she has sensitive skin. She told me to look at her arm but I couldn’t see anything.
It is always something with her. But she had me creeped out. After she left I pulled the lamp down close to the floor but I still couldn’t see anything moving. I hope she doesn’t rip up her carpet because she lives in an apartment and would have to pay for that shit.
2am wrap up. I made it to my daughter’s in the morning. I wore myself out and now I feel more relaxed than I have all week. I can barely think. I had to get out of the house early before my brain could change it’s mind.
I don’t know what I am going to do in the morning. I have to get some food pretty soon. I can think of ten reasons I won’t do that tomorrow. My brain is slogged. I can imagine what my body will feel like when I wake up.
What a crappy week. Now my friend has me thinking there are insects crawling around my place when I know they aren’t. I wonder if she got any sleep. She had it really bad. She was seeing those things everywhere.