Incongruent

Sunday

I woke up seething with anger this morning. Good thing there was nobody here to see it except my cat. He hid under the chair until my tantrum was over. I don’t know if it is a med thing or what. I’m afraid to experiment and change the times I take them. My ex wife told me to take them at opposite times of the day but I don’t think that would be good.

I did experiment with my anxiety meds recently. I realized if I take them when I have high anxiety it is too late. It’s because they are the long acting ones and take a long time to kick in. I tried counting and found it takes 8 hours for them to start relieving my anxiety. So I started taking them as soon as I wake up in the morning hopefully before a panic attack. My doctor won’t give me fast acting bens because I have been on these for so long and he thinks I am prescribed too many already. He is the one prescribing them so…

The experiment wasn’t exactly a success but at least I know why I feel a little better after the sun goes down. Also I have a general time of day I can look to and wait for my anxiety to come under control. I always waited until the last minute before because I thought they should start working within the hour. Maybe they did a long time ago but now I have a tolerance.

Tuesday

My brother has a Twitter account. He doesn’t follow me on there. Instead he googles my account and reads it at his leisure. I go to his house once a year and I guess it’s just like a perfectly normal thing to do. Like he didn’t find out about Twitter by logging into my computer as me and investigating everything I did.

Wednesday

That may sound like a paranoid delusion as my brother tried to portray it to our mother. But after I suspected something I monitored my computer usage with the built in “windowseventviewer.” It told me that every Saturday I shut my computer off before I left at 7am to visit my daughter and every Saturday at 7:15am somebody turned on my computer and viewed webpages for 4 hours. It couldn’t have been my brother because he was “sleeping” when I left. This didn’t happen when he was 12; he was in his 40’s.

The prick’s Saturday morning routine was to “sleep” until I left the house, get up, take a shit, make some coffee, and settle down on my computer.

This happened a long time ago but I can still work myself into a rage over it. It is the biggest rumination I have left. I blame a little on myself for not completely locking down my computer but I could never imagine that happening. It’s not like I left my email open and he read it. He had to take many steps to investigate my entire life while I lived with him. He had his own computer, in his own room. I never once turned it on or even set foot in his room unless it was to talk to him.

My emails, dating site messages, interactive website I designed, my bank account (yes, he signed into my bank account), my facebook page (we weren’t facebook friends) my other facebook page by invite only ( or if he was signed in as me). That is where he fucked up. He had a few beers one night and didn’t like something I wrote so he responded on my page, as me, dropping a ton of F bombs in his long diatribe. That was at night while I was sleeping less than 3 feet away.

He didn’t only invade my privacy, he invaded the privacy of everyone who communicated with me electronically. How would you like to talk to me on a dating site and find out my brother had read all your messages? What if you were one of my pen pals?

This happened over the course of the several years while I lived with him. I paid rent so I think I at least deserved respect of my room. When I threatened to kill him, he tried to deny it but when I brought up each “coincidence” where he actually took actions triggered by what he read on my computer, he would stop bumping his gums and his jaw would hit the floor. The last thing he said was, “You know I’m nosy.” Like it was my fault, of course it was just a natural thing for him to do.

Thursday

The worst part was when I went into his room and found his little journal. In it was a letter he wrote to me and never sent. Like one of those things you do on purpose. In it he said, “I took the liberty of reading your emails.” What does that mean, “took the liberty”? It was dated a month after I moved in. So basically as soon as I got my shit together and plugged in my computer, he was on it investigating. This went on without my knowing the several YEARS I lived there.


I hope I’m not regressing. I haven’t been able to read or write more than a little at a time. I skipped posting yesterday because I had nothing. When I finally got the book I wanted to read I couldn’t read it. I used to be able to write a blog post in my head and then just type it out. Now I just stare at a blank screen. I have plenty of start up ideas but I can’t get them started. I have a feeling this may be my only post of the week.


I did it. I wrote a post and scheduled it for Sunday. I used to have at least a couple scheduled ahead of time. I get less time to function each day so I try to write and read when I can. Still couldn’t read. I guess I used up all my productivity for the day.

Friday

I had to cancel on my daughter today. I just can’t function. I hate telling her I will be there and then not going. I rarely do it but I know I will be useless all day.


I listened to the last hour of SaltFatAcidHeat by Samin Nosrat. It covers the basics of cooking in detail. It is good if you are just starting out but I knew most of the information from cooking for myself and watching the Food Network. I have another book going but I can only focus for a few pages at a time. I like it but I just can’t get going on it.

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