The Shoulds

I “should” go get food today. I shouldn’t say “should.” That’s what they say, right? If you say “should” you put too much pressure on yourself and will feel worse if you don’t do what you think you “should.” What about “must?” Can I say that? I “must” walk an hour and a half to the store today because I’ve been putting it off for 4 days and I have no more food. Now that I didn’t put myself through the “shoulds, ” I am in an either/or situation. Should that make me feel better or worse. Stupid fucks with their piece of shit advice. It all sounds good to them sitting in the office with me on my best behavior. Mentally rolling my eyes at them. So now I am at the “must” stage. I have to do this fucking thing I can’t do for some reason.

I used to get a ride once or twice a month before the whole pandemic situation. It’s not the walk that is stopping me. I can walk that far standing on my head. In fact, I will feel better after walking. I know because I almost always do. It’s not the walk. It’s the abject fear. I can’t leave my apartment.

My brain has been going downhill for the past few days. I haven’t read more than a couple pages at a time. This is the first time I’ve written anything in the past 4 days. I’m only writing this because I woke up pissed off. I thought it would be no problem posting 3 times a week. Then I cut down to 2 times and I think this week is only going to be this stupid journal.

I made it! I had to get myself pissed off. I summoned all my righteous indignation. Not that I had anything to be righteously indignant about. I also didn’t start any road rage incidents like I did last time I was walking down the road swearing at myself.


I was supposed to hook up a few days ago. Everything was going well. I had her electronically LOL’ing for 2 nights. That is always a good sign. I am always ready to move from texting to real life but getting the other person to do it is the challenge. People feel safe on their phones. I made her feel safe enough for an in person meeting with one goal in mind.

She was going to come down in the afternoon so I had plenty of time. In between texting her I cleaned a little. I kept finding new areas of neglect in my apartment. It surprised me it only took 5 minutes to take care of something I had let go for a month. When I say clean, I mean relatively presentable. I can blame a lot on my cat.

Everything was working out well. She told me she was eating lunch first. Then she was taking a shower. Then she asked me for my address and asked me if I changed my mind. Was she kidding? Why would I spend 3 days talking to her if I was going to change my mind at the last second?

After she asked for my address I knew I was ready. I took a long, hot shower and found my best casual clothes. I was clean and dressed and all I had to do was wait. As soon as my ass hit the chair my phone beeped. I got excited. I thought it was her telling me she was leaving her house. Instead I read the message, “You’re going to hate me but my stomach hurts.”

I knew here stomach hurt because she got nervous and changed her mind but I said, no problem. We texted a few more times and she said sorry again but now I haven’t heard from her since except one time she said she owes me a rain check. I won’t hold my breath. I’ve had plenty of women change their mind about coming to see me but never at the last possible moment like that. I’m not really bothered by it except for the fact that I’m hyper-sexual right now. It doesn’t matter how bad I feel I can always have sex in the safety of my own place. And the chemical cocktail released by sex is much better than any of the chemicals my Dr. prescribes me. So I am a little disappointed there.


I’m making it through another morning. This time with no coffee. I’m trying to quit on a whim. It’s pretty easy so far. I wasn’t drinking much of it. But I keep thinking of getting up to pour myself a cup. It’s not there. I’ve quit before, a few years ago. I think it helped the anxiety a little but I don’t remember. I get something from it because I started again.

I finally got laid! Yesterday A. came over. T. stayed home this time. It’s okay by me. I am more attracted to A. I didn’t ask any questions. I was just glad to be having sex and resetting the clock.

Now I see what people mean by a caffeine headache. I’ve got one right now. Too bad there is no coffee in the house. It’s not so bad. I’lll see if I need to buy coffee in the morning.

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