What does it take?


It’s my third day without caffeine. My brain is trying to make deals with itself. I don’t need coffee. Just some tea with a little caffeine would work. Yeah, just get some tea.

The first day I got a headache for about an hour. It wasn’t too bad. Yesterday, the second day, my legs hurt like a bitch. I don’t even know if it is a symptom. I had RLS for the day. I couldn’t stop bouncing my legs to make them feel better but it got worse but I could not stop moving them or it would be some pretty bad pain. They are still sore today. I’m not sure if it is because I was using the muscles so much yesterday. I’ve only read one article saying that is a side effect of quitting.


Something happened yesterday that I just can’t keep to myself. First a girl invited herself to hang out with me for a few hours. I don’t know why because she said she had a boyfriend and wouldn’t cheat on him and I’m not in the business to help people cheat.

After she left things got weird. I got an email from someone who I thought had ghosted me last month saying she wanted to hook up and asked for my number. I gave it to her and she wrote back, “Sooo… We know each other, your name was in my phone, I’m still interested but when you find out who I am you have to take it to your grave.” I wracked my brain wondering who had my name in their phone but theirs wasn’t in mine. When she showed up at my place I was shocked. I never would have guessed in a million years who it was. It was a pleasant surprise. I had only met her a couple times before and hadn’t seen her in six months. I never would have thought she was interested in me. (It’s not anything bad. We just have mutual friends.)

This all happened over like four hours. Then the first girl started texting me, Nothing, Nothing, Oh yeah, I broke up with my boyfriend when I got home. What? Fuck that shit. I don’t want to be part of that. She just met me and breaks up with her boyfriend and they live together. I don’t think so.

While that was happening I got a text from the woman who blew me off last week and she wants to meet tomorrow. I forgot about her because I didn’t think she was interested. I know I was wishing for more sex but I don’t need it all at once. I have to take a step back and decide what to do. It would help if I could think straight.

I forgot somewhere between the last few paragraphs. The mystery woman came over again. She is the most straightforward of them all.


It’s only fucking Tuesday! I have to start giving these women names. D the woman I thought was catfishing me, came over and that was great. I think it is going to be a regular thing. While I was waiting for her to get here, JG, the girl that broke up with her boyfriend, and JB, my friend of several years both texted me. I ignored JG because I have no idea what to say about that yet. I talked to JB and we will hang out Thursday. Sometimes we fool around but I am going to tell her I can’t. She is like me, she likes to talk in person instead of texting. That is why I like her. Old school.


Okay! JG has been put herself in the friendzone after I told her about the last 3 days. She can figure out what she wants to do with her boyfriend. That is a relief but she is talking like she wants to go on platonic dates. What is that when you have a boyfriend and go on dates with some random guy? And I’m really not interested but I am too nice to reject her.

I have to figure out what I want to do. R is the woman I hooked up with Sunday and Monday. She wants me to worship and be submissive. I have never done that before. The second day she wanted me to penetrate after but I couldn’t do it after. I was a little embarrassed.

D is more my style of woman. She is very submissive and likes to be told what to do. That is what I like. She also wants to meet up on a regular one day a week schedule. R wants me to be available anytime she has a chance. I don’t know if I can handle being on call and I would have to get used to the dynamic of being submissive and get over my mental block of having actual sex with her.

Today started out shitty. I was planning on spending it with my daughter but the weather changed and I can’t ride my bike. Plus she has to do some work before school starts tomorrow. I really don’t know what I am going to do about winter. My ride is staying home because of the pandemic. I am going to have to look into a ride service but I don’t have much money. Don’t worry. She is still my most important focus with all this shit with woman going on. I told everyone not to text me today because I won’t answer when I’m with my daughter. I’m not telling anyone my plans fell through. I’m taking time to figure out why everything is happening at the same time.


I had a long talk with D last night. I thought we matched up well but I guess I wasn’t what she was looking for. She said I shouldn’t have misrepresented myself as a DOM. I told her I never said I was a DOM, I thought we were just play talking. All the women I meet talk like that. I didn’t know she really meant it. That’s the problem with texting someone you don’t know I guess.


This week was too much. Last night I shut down completely and today I feel horrible. My friend said she couldn’t make it today so I will be okay there. I’m just focused on seeing my daughter tomorrow. I made a plan for it and nothing should change before tomorrow morning. All I have to do is maintain for the day and get back in my sleep routine. I didn’t sleep last night so I should go to bed early.

I managed to write something for Sunday. I’m having a lot of trouble reading. Today I can’t even think of it and yesterday I had to tie myself down to read maybe four pages. And I like the book.


Midnight madness! Can you believe that bitch told me I should be upfront about my mental illness? She asked me and I told her. How much more upfront can I be? Wear a fucking sign around my neck?

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