Back the Truck Up!

My daughter shreds on bass guitar! You can really tell she puts in the work. She is much better than I was after my first year and I took it very seriously. Everybody knows she is good but I don’t see her every day. I notice how much she improves in just one week. She chooses fast, complicated songs and learns them in no time. For the longest time she wanted to play an instrument but she couldn’t find the right one. She has found it. She practices until her fingers blister and she has the teenage hero worship of all her favorite bass players. She knows she is good too. Last time I was there she said, Come here, let me show you my talent, and smirked. She’s funny. She was always private about her art but now she wants to show it off. I could just be saying she is good because I’m her dad, but she really is that good. Okay, that’s my brag on my daughter.


Last night I closed the door on my new friend D. Even though she left a hole in the wall I could drive a truck through. Today is her weekend so she has the day off. I made my decision yesterday but didn’t know how the easiest way to tell her because she is an avid texter. I knew I would be assaulted with a barrage of extra punctuation!!!!! Many exclamation points. I can’t tell if she is trying to make a point or if she is yelling at me. She texted me three times yesterday before I had a plan of what to say to her. It was late at night and she told me she was drinking vodka. So vodka with the next day off. It would have been so easy to invite her to come visit me but I changed my mind the night before. I didn’t want to see her again but I also didn’t want to hurt her feelings. So I took the easy way out. I waited for an opportune time in the conversation to drop a “LOL.” I knew she would respond with a smiley face. How do I answer that? I didn’t.

Last week she got mad at me because she said I shouldn’t misrepresent myself as a DOM and she said I should be looking for a “normal” woman. I told her I wasn’t attracted to “normal” women. But she confused me by saying the sex was great!!!! with all the exclamation points. She further confused me by texting me every night after from her bed when she was relaxing before sleep. If I had asked her to come she would have come and I didn’t want to get into a long discussion about why I changed my mind. The problem was she changed the whole dynamic. She started telling me how she wanted sex to be when the whole idea of her coming here last week was for me to be in control. I did exactly what I wanted and only what I wanted. I got out of it without an argument but she also has tomorrow off from work and plenty of time to think about it. But she did tell me I wasn’t the type of guy she was looking for. But why was she texting me every night?


The girl who broke up with her boyfriend texted me and wanted to know about my sex life. I said it’s fluctuating and she laughed. Is she going to check in weekly? I don’t know what to tell her. There’s nothing between us. Not even a little flirt.


I asked my friends to come over and somehow I was in luck. They are usually too busy I just let them decide when to come over but I needed something with no bullshit attached. They don’t tell me one thing and then do another. Even though the sex is perfunctory it is the most satisfying. They don’t confuse me. They don’t text me all day so I can keep them entertained when they are bored. They don’t have time for me and that is what I like.

Speaking of confusing. D texted me again tonight. Last week, after we met she flat out told me I should be looking for another type of woman. Someone more “normal.” That means she’s not interested in me, right? Why has she texted me every night since? After she told me that I haven’t initiated one conversation with her. Texting is my least favorite form of communication. I never know what the other person means when they talk. If I’m having a physical relationship, I need physical conversation.

I was done for the night but this is too weird! I just tried to ask her why she is texting me all the time and she waited and then told me the cops knocked on her door to tell her her estranged brother died. It’s 2am! The cops don’t hunt you down in the middle of the night to tell you about a death in the family. They don’t care. I asked how the cops found her and she said they must have tracked her cell phone number. On what planet did that happen? Why would she tell me a story like that? If she is trying to get rid of me all she has to do is stop texting me every night. It wouldn’t hurt my feelings.

Tuesday

I don’t feel good today. I thought I had a lot of new things to say but I guess I don’t.

Wednesday

All I wanted to do was type the day of the week and it took me three tries. Forget about reading. I returned an electronic book because I Iwas reading it for a month and getting nowhere. Last time I tried to read I tied myself down and could only force myself to read four pages. I can’t focus for shit. I got intimidated by it. I would see how many pages I had left and see how slow I was reading. It would have taken two more weeks to read it. I’m making a lot of typos now. I hit the backspace key but the lag is so long I get pissed the cursor isn’t moving backwards. This site has so many cookies it slows down everything in my browser. It feels like I made a typo but it takes so long to show on my screen. I scream. I have Disconnect and Privacy Fox installed and they are not blocking everything.

Saturday

I had a week of being dysfunctional. I couldn’t stay awake long enough to take my meds. So I would get 4 hours of nightmares before I woke up. Then I couldn’t decide if I should take my meds and go back to sleep or skip them until next time. Finally, last night I slept straight through for 12 hours. I haven’t done that in years.

Luckily I got all that sleep the night before I go see my daughter. That would be today. Last week it was chilly in the morning but I was sweating on the ride home. It was in the mid 60’s. Today is colder. My mom got a frost last night but she lives an hour north of me.

This winter I will have to cut down the number of times I see my daughter per month. I won’t be able to ride my bike and it looks like my only option is an Uber. I can’t afford to do that every week.


I wanted to get so drunk when I got home. I just wanted to buy more alcohol than I could drink and drink it all. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I had a good day with my daughter. I know why I get so depressed when I get home from her house and I’m not part of the family. Yes, I know alcohol is a depressant, thanks. I”m not gonna do it anyway. I have been freaking out about how my brain is working.


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