If I don’t catch you in the first fifteen words, I have lost you forever! My daughter is still rocking the bass guitar. I only see her once a week so I really notice her progress. She has a new favorite band each week and she learns all their songs. She is a teenage hipster so she likes small, indie bands but the music is good.
I really didn’t think I was going to write a post for today. I couldn’t function towards the end of the week and it was all I could do to get to my daughter’s house yesterday. When I got home I was depressed and wanted to shut down but that is what inspired me to get up and write this morning. I wrote about how “Suicide Awareness day” didn’t help me at all. It just brought up horrible memories. So I wrote about one of them. Don’t read it if you are suicidal.
I did the big things I needed to do today. Then I took a long shower and shaved, knowing I’m not going to see or talk to anyone tonight. I feel pretty good about it.
I got the, “don’t call yourself schizophrenic, you are not your disease”, a couple weeks ago from one of the women I met. I told her it was just semantics and she got mad at me. First of all, who cares what I call myself? And second, the definition of a schizophrenic is someone who suffers from schizophrenia. That would make me correct. I bet she wouldn’t hesitate to call me an alcoholic instead of someone who suffers from alcoholism. But I will leave that hair for her to split.
Speaking of schizo’s; my friend has texted me three times this month to tell me a specific time she is coming to visit. All three times I never heard from her until the next. I don’t mind. It is normal for her to do that. She has a lot of friends and is always on the go. She has disordered thinking so I imagine it is hard for her to keep track. I’m only saying it because she just texted me again.
She finally made it last night! Better late than never. I got to hang out with someone I know and have an actual real conversation. I do that every week with my daughter and whoever may be at her house. But I’m talking aobut just me at my place talking to someone I’m not meeting for the first time in my life.
J is my age and she is entertaining. She knows a lot of people and is always visiting so she has interesting stories to tell. When she sees me she is always on the way to somewhere else and when she is somewhere else she is always on her way to somewhere else. I get along with her so well because she likes to talk in person instead of text. I am the same way. I like to use text as a tool. I hate when I am forced to have a conversation through text. But that is the way the world works now.
We have been trying to talk my daughter into starting a band. She is reticent by nature but it’s not what you think. She isn’t afraid she won’t be good enough. She is afraid she won’t find other people who are good enough. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings if she decides it’s not working. I tried to tell her to just practice with other people. It doesn’t mean she is married to them. She will figure out her own way to do it just like she does everything else.
It’s 6am. I’ve been up since 2:30. I don’t know what happened. I opened my eyes and it was pitch black. I only knew I was in my room because I could feel my familiar mattress beneath me. I don’t know how I got there or if I had even slept. I felt like I just blinked and arrived in my bedroom. I hit the button to light up my watch and was totally confused. How could it be so dark at 2 in the afternoon? How long have I been lying here? Don’t worry, I figured out it was the middle of the night. It was way too early to wake up and drink coffee so I took my nighttime meds and got back to bed. That was a mistake. I was wide awake and no prescription was putting me back to sleep. I gave up and drank some coffee.
There is nothing to do so early in the morning so it was the perfect time to sit and write something for tomorrow. It’s a memory that’s been kicking around in my head. It’s a good one. Nothing negative like last Sunday’s post.
I’m waiting for the store to open. I have 5 more minutes to go. I’ve been in this position before, only I was waiting for the store to open so I could buy beer. This time I want an egg sandwich and some better coffee.
I made it! In a few hours I am biking to my daughter’s house. I know I didn’t get any sleep. I won’t be tired. I never get tired. My anxiety never gets tired either. I hear a voice coming from the back of my neck. Where my spine joins my skull. It’s not very loud. It’s just annoying. Narrating everything I do. Writing helps. So does listening to music. Right now I have “Cleopatrick” on YouTube. It’s my daughter’s new favorite band. They are pretty good. We both like guitar driven rock.