One Step Over The Line

Monday

Is alcohol use disorder really a thing? Can’t I just be an alcoholic? Can it be cured? I used to have cigarette use disorder and I cured myself of that. At least I think I did. Smoking hasn’t crossed my mind since I finally quit I don’t know how many years ago. Right now I am in the throes of caffeine use disorder. I can’t stop myself. In fact, since I tried to quit a couple weeks ago I have lost all control and use more caffeine than before. Is there a disorder for every addictive or habit forming drug? I better call my doctor. I have a long list of confessions to make. Fuckers.

Tuesday

I was too depressed to kill myself last night. I just lay there in bed staring at my prescription bottles but I couldn’t move to get them. I just wanted everything to stop. Then came the guilt for thinking such a thing. My uncle’s suicide fucked up the whole family for generations. Do I want to do that to everyone I know? I woke up stupid crying. Snot running out of my nose and into my coffee. I drank it anyway. You know, caffeine use disorder. Then I felt fine.

I needed a ride to the veterinarian this morning. I can’t even take care of a stupid cat by myself. I can barely take care of myself. My ex wife showed up to give me a ride and I was all smiles and jokes. I really do feel fine now. Writing this is depressing but I will forget about it in a few minutes.

I can’t figure out what makes the difference on how I feel each day. Yesterday was normal. Nothing bad happened. I wasn’t dwelling on anything depressing. I watched football which I enjoy. Even though they got rid of the fans. (80 thousand drunk people screaming is part of the game.) Then midnight comes and I want to die?

Wednesday

I opened this up this morning to write something completely different. I thought I had some insight into what happened the other night. I can’t think of it right now. I’ve been raging again since I woke up. My head is pounding, my throat hurts from screaming and I pulled a muscle in my arm. Not from lifting something heavy. It was from tensing it up so much while I flipped out. I took some Advil for the pain but this isn’t the kind of pain designed for Advil.

My therapist would try to tell me to “stay in the moment”, “take deep breaths”, “maintain your focus”, “Just be mindful.” Yeah, step on the tracks in front of a speeding train. It’s easy when it’s easy.

Thursday

Yesterday I told my case manager I think I was cured. She asked me if I was still taking my meds. I said I think that is what cured me and she said she wasn’t sure that is how it works. I asked her if taking all these medications wasn’t supposed to cure me? I told her that because I want to see how long it takes someone else to ask if I’m taking my medications. They have conversations about me and make plans that have an effect on my life.

Saturday

My therapist said the same thing when I told her I was cured. “I don’t think that’s how it works”, in a low voice. I asked her why I was taking medication for so long if it doesn’t work? They will probably tell my doctor they are worried I will stop taking my meds. I don’t care. I only have two minutes on the phone with him each time. He will ask if I am still taking them and I will say yes and he will order from the pharmacy. Seriously. I’ve been on psycho active meds for 30 years. You would think I would be good by now.

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