Wednesday (Yesterday’s gone)

I was going to write about my latest spate of anger and depression. It’s nothing new to me to seemingly be set off by nothing but it’s becoming more frequent lately. I’m angry with myself. I’m still mourning my marriage and family. It’s been 13 years this month. I also got put on disability at the same time so my life was pretty much over all at once. No family, no job, no place to live. I know everyone gets divorced. I see my daughter regularly. It’s not like I knocked someone up and we decided to make the best of it. We wanted to get married. It took 2 years for my wife to get pregnant. I embraced the whole idea. (I’ve already had 2 Incredible Hulk experiences writing this paragraph. Getting pumped up and turning green and screaming at the screen over a typo. A fucking typo.)
I’m not much for anniversaries, so I don’t think October is setting me off. (Another outburst; I hit the “Enter” key instead of backspace. I had to do 5 more minutes of deep breathing for that one.) I tried listening to a book a couple weeks ago and it was terrible. This chick was complaining how terrible her life was and it sounded like a great life. She was “kind of home schooled”, meaning she did whatever she wanted as a kid and didn’t have a G.E.D. Despite that she got into a college on a full scholarship because she was a virtuoso on the violin. That wasn’t enough, she also got an advanced math degree (like Stephen Hawking level) and graduated with a 4.0. She said she already knew she didn’t want to use the degrees for anything so she left for Hollywood for an acting career. She stumbled into acting in t.v. commercials which I guess means she barely had to work and could stay home for two years addicted to World of Warcraft. She said it started because she was bored. She called it being “depressed.” (Just got all up in my phone’s face for daring to ring while I try to type. More breathing) When I heard the exuberance in her voice while she described, “the worst to years” of her life, she didn’t sound like it was very depressing. She said she woke up when she was 28 years old and thought if she doesn’t do something great with her life “right now” she will die a failure. WTF? She got together with some friends and made a successful YouTube series about people who sit around and play MMORPG’s for 8 hours a day. Now she gets paid to play video games on YouTube and keep up a Twitter account (with 3 million followers) and show up to SciFi and gaming conventions. Basically her wet dream of a life. I stopped listening after she said she would die a failure.
Then I read another book this week. This one was by a woman who started her career as a consultant on the hit shows Friends and ER. That led her to going to med school and eventually to a very successful practice as a therapist. She also had a successful side hustle as a journalist while all this was going on. This book was her 2nd after previously rejecting 2 offers to write other books because they weren’t really what she wanted to write about. In this book she refrains her life is half over and she hasn’t done anything worthwhile. She is also worried she is running out of time.
Both of these authors are younger than I am and here I am sitting alone in my apartment with my cat reading borrowed books about their amazing lives. Where they think they are failures? The woman who thought she was a failure at 28 years old when she already accomplished more than I could ever do. She really set me off. I could relate to the woman having a midlife crisis but she was very successful and well known and well respected everywhere she went. Meanwhile I’ve been waiting 2 days for the weather to be nice enough for me to ride my bike to get a haircut. This is what I’ve been stressing over for a week now. When will I get a chance for a haircut so I don’t look like I’ve been drunk for the past month. I’m overdue.
I calmed down after my vitriolic dressing down of my phone for daring to ring from the other room while I try to write. I finally got a few hours sleep last night after being awake for 5 days. That was my small success. I should write a self help book and be well on my way to fame. I’m halfway there with this blog dragging along an amazing 80 something followers. (Half of them want vanity follow back and the other half are bots who’s blogs are just pages of advertisements with no content.) I’ve also got a few hundred followers on Twitter in case any of you want to buy my account.
If you could see me exhaust myself with anger over the tiniest provocations, you would laugh. It is silly. It’s not the 2 books that set me off. It’s been a life long occurrence. I don’t mean to say I’m always pissed off. In fact most of the time I am pretty laid back. I’ve got 2 hours to calm down before I go for a haircut. (Wish me luck.) Due to Covid I have to schedule online. The place isn’t very busy so the computer says which place in line I am and tells me my appointment is in zero minutes. I have to make sure I am ready to go the second I hit “confirm.” No pressure for someone as organized as I am. (ha)

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