“Every night I fall asleep at 10 and every night they wake me up at 11 to give me a fucking sleeping pill! Ain’t that some shit?” Steve was my roommate in the mental hospital. Luckily I was in for mania so he never got bored late at night.
I have a similar problem as Steve. Everyone’s solution is for me to set an alarm to wake up and take my sleeping pill. Nobody says it with a trace of irony. (Is that the right word? It feels like the right word.) My night meds only give me about 4 hours of sleep and I take them around 5am to avoid the most boring part of the day. The problem is last night I fell partially asleep early and woke up at 5. I have to decide if it is time to take my day meds or my night meds. I took my night meds because I only got a couple hours of half sleep. Sounds simple, right? It didn’t work. Now I am sitting here in limbo. I just had 2 cups of coffee to wake up but my med kicked in for sleep. Fuck! Lucky you.
Someone has a Black Lab outside. He is running so fast. He is playing, you can’t get my stick, with his owner. Reminds me of a dog I had.
I haven’t slept in days. I lie in bed until the fear pushes me out. It’s time to get up, right? Make coffee. Cook some lentils. I’m fine. I can type my way through a paragraph, I must be okay. I’ve got the red, squiggly line to tell me I made a typo or forgot how to spell a word. I’ve got Grammarly in my head. Nobody knows I got up and walked around. Nobody knows I’ve been sitting here staring at the cursor blinking for 10 minutes. Texting is even easier. The phone does everything for me. Don’t know what to say? Type in an emoticon and buy myself some time. Always composing. Keeping myself composed. My therapist thinks I”m doing great because I can fake my way through a 20 minute phone call. Good thing we don’t do video and she can’t see what I’m doing on my end. Good thing she can’t see what is going on inside my head.
My Black Lab’s name was Blue Moon. He was a big dumb dog. He had so much energy. If I didn’t take him out and run him hard for an hour every day he would destroy the inside of the house. Every night after work I would take him on the beach and chuck the ball with the stick. You couldn’t say any “B” words around him. Beach, ball, bone, Blue… He would flip and start barking to go outside. He didn’t care if it was February and below zero and I was freezing my ass off. He would get hot. He would go into the ocean and cool down. He wasn’t really that dumb. He was smart enough to know if he kept the ball he didn’t have to go back inside. I was smarter though. I always kept a second ball in my back pocket. He was such a good dog. (See. You didn’t know I took a 5 minute break to cry and make some more coffee.) He lived to be 12. That’s pretty good for a Lab. It’s not just the death of a dog that makes me sad. It’s the death of everything I had back then. No more family. No wife, no baby, no stupid dogs.
Wednesday got way too long so I turned it into today’s blog post. I guess I had a lot on my mind.
I still can’t figure out what the difference between my good days and bad days. Yesterday I was raging and hearing things and the room was flashing bright and dim and changing colors. Today I’m back to my regular not so bad anxiety. Other days my voice and anxiety are so bad I’m frozen in bed. I would like to blame it on my shift from barely any sleep to almost no sleep but all of this happens when I’m on a regular schedule.
I signed up for Uber so I can see my daughter tomorrow. I’ve never used it before. I put it off for a bit and now I am already nervous they won’t be able to find me. Everyone else finds me with GPS so I probably shouldn’t worry. Right? I just don”t want to miss my first ride.
I”ve calmed down since earlier this week but I’m still not sleeping. I was listening to a book until 6am. I would have given up on it sooner but I had nothing to replace it. The guy outlined his book in the introduction, The questions he was asking and he gave the data to back up the answers. Then he went on for 10 chapters repeating himself. He made the points clear in the intro and finished the book repeating everything he just said. He could have just made the intro and the wrap up into a smaller book and it would have been great.