Welcome to the 21st Century

I think I am the last person to download and use the Uber app. It worked out pretty well for me. I got to my daughter’s house and back in good time Saturday. I don’t know how it will work next week. I was lucky (No, not that kind of lucky.) to catch a woman just as she was leaving her driveway. She was the only driver available on Saturday morning. More drivers were out in the evening when it was time to go home. Both ways told me it is harder to find a ride in the mornings. They make their own hours and can get more passengers later in the day and at night. I will have to see how it works for me. Hopefully I can get lucky again.

I also finally bought a wireless keyboard and mouse for my desktop computer. The old ones were dying after years of use. It says I can use them from 30 feet away. I don’t know how I would see the screen. I don’t know what I will do when my desktop is obsolete. A laptop would be nice but I think I would miss my 19 inch monitor and full size keyboard. Does anyone else work like this? I’m not completely prehistoric. I do own a tablet but I type very slowly and I don’t use it to it’s full capacity.

Tuesday

Last week someone told me to take a chill pill in the comments of one of my posts. It gave me pause. I already knew I was writing negative journal entries but it was my anger giving me impetus to write. By the time I calmed down I didn’t feel like opening this app anymore. I wasn’t getting much sleep and kept missing my meds or taking them at the wrong times.

I was reminded on one of those bad days when I had to be ready for a ride one day. I had two hours to get ready and I was raging. I knew I couldn’t be an emotional wreck when they got here. I was all over the place so I narrowed my focus down to hyper-reality. I created a mental checklist of what I needed to do to get ready. Shower, shave, etc… Then I did them all one at a time. This week I am trying to give myself two hours before I write. That is usually what I need to calm myself down. It’s a concerted effort.

When I was working I would do something similar. I was manic and going to school for web programming after work. I would work on my project until I was stymied around midnight. Then I would pop up at three every morning with the answer to the problem that stopped me. I would put on a pot of coffee and work through my solution until five when I had to leave for work. All that got me ready to deal with my responsibilities. I would go into work bumping my gums and busting balls. I didn’t hold back with anyone. I need a routine like that again but my concentration isn’t good enough anymore to take on a large project.

Wednesday

My coping skills work fine when I don’t need them. One night last week my symptoms were so bad I took to bed early. My voice was yelling at me, telling me I’m worthless, useless. That caused my anxiety to skyrocket. I knew if I got really drunk it would all go away. But it would come back worse the next day. It wasn’t a strong dose of willpower that stopped me from walking to the store for beer. I couldn’t pull myself together long enough to leave my apartment to follow through.

I’m starting to feel like that again but it’s only 11am. I’m not lying in bed. I have plenty of energy but nothing to do with it. I’m trying to write my way through it now. It’s not as bad as last week. I have to be extra careful because it is so early in the day. If I bought beer now I wouldn’t stop until the store closes at 11 tonight. Alcohol only works on my symptoms if I drink myself into a blackout. I can hear my therapist telling me to be mindful and stay in the moment. What if the moment sucks?


I loaded my self with pasta. All the food in my stomach takes blood away from my brain and calms me down. It’s still early so it looks like I will be packing on a few more pounds tonight. It’s not the best way to do it, but it’s one way to do it.

Thursday

I’ve got a couple good nights of sleep under my belt. Today seems like it will be a good one. Last night I fell asleep without taking my medication, which is unusual because I usually need them to sleep. The med that puts me to sleep is also my anti-psychotic. I can’t miss too many of those. Although it does build up in my system so missing a night or two should be okay for me.

I hear a voice but it is back inside my head today and easy to ignore. Right now I am just listening to familiar music so I can follow the vocals and redirect my attention. Another problem I have is hearing noises coming from outside my apartment. I can’t tell if it is someone being loud or if it is my imagination. A lot of times when I hear something loud I check with my cat. If his ears perk up and he looks at the door then I know the noise was real. If my cat doesn’t hear it then it is just me. My paranoia of police kicks in whether the sound is real or not. I think they are going to kick the door in and take me. I’m not doing anything illegal so I don’t know why I think that way. If I’m feeling okay I can reason my way out. I can tell myself how unlikely it would be for the cops to bust the door down. Other times noises I hear can freeze me in bed for hours.


I had to call maintenance today. I’ve been putting it off all week. Now that banging on the door could happen anytime today or even tomorrow. I just have no idea when.

Friday

I’m following my new 2 hour rule. I can outlast almost anything if I can wait 2 hours. I didn’t realize it but I was already doing it before my visits to my daughter. I get up early, more than 2 hours before I see her so I am prepared when the time comes. Lately I’ve been writing in the mornings while I was enraged. Can you imagine veins popping and screaming at inanimate objects because you made a typo or couldn’t remember how to spell a word you knew well. It wasn’t until someone told me to chill out in the comment section that I decided not to do anything for 2 hours in the morning.

Like I said, I was doing it in the mornings before work without realizing it. I didn’t make the connection that if I slept until my alarm woke me I would have an awful day at work. But If I woke up very early I had time to prepare my mind. I make a ton of typos all the time but I don’t always flip out over them. I’ve been using the backspace key all over these 2 paragraphs and I feel pretty calm.

I was already using the rule when I felt like I wanted to drink. If I can wait it out for 2 hours the idea usually goes away. Instead of getting drunk I will stuff myself with food or try to sleep. Food is making me fat but at least it’s not making me do all kinds of other stupid shit.

Granted, sometimes the 2 hours is really waiting for a med to start working. I know if I can wait that long I should be okay with whatever is bothering me. I wish I could take naps again. I haven’t taken a nap in over 5 years. A nap would give me a 1 hour head start on the problem.

I try to do passive activities when I am in trouble. Watching tv, eating, drinking coffee, listening to or reading a book. Sometimes I even get into trouble doing any of that. I get yelled at and anxious or angry. I skip from one thing to the other and get upset when I can’t do one for more than a couple minutes. Of course all this hinges on me having 2 hours of time completely alone. I can’t cancel working but I can get up at 3 am to prepare.

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