Heart colored pencils

Ass, Gas, or Grass, Nobody Rides for Free!” To bring back a saying from last century. Having recently signed up for Uber to get my own ass around, I was reminded of my own “Magical Mystery Tour” the first time I took an Uber ride. I was using Tinder at the time and expanded my miles radius because there were not enough women in my area. Well, there were plenty of women in my area but they were all the same women from normal dating apps who didn’t understand Tinder was designed to be a hookup app. They kept the same old tired profiles and it wasn’t uncommon to see the same line over and over again. “If all you are looking for is a hookup, don’t waste my time!”

I got a match from a young woman who lived in Boston. (about 40 minutes away) I didn’t know what would come of it since I had no car and women from Boston don’t usually travel to NH. The bus service to Boston from my area stopped at 10pm. I was talking to her around 2am. I didn’t care. I tried to keep her laughing and flirting at the same time.

She decided she wanted to meet me but I told her I couldn’t travel that far. She said not to worry about it. She will send an Uber ride. I asked her if that would be too expensive. Again she said don’t worry about it. That’s when I started to get the squirrels running around in my stomach. The good kind of anxiety.

She sent me a screen shot of the travel information and I had to hotfoot it into the shower because the car was surprisingly 15 minute away from me. I made it out to the parking lot and caught the car just in time. I was styling. Headed to the big city to get laid in the middle of the night. I was excited, texting her and talking to the driver at the same time.

When I got to her I was surprised to see she lived on a good stretch of Mass Ave. A major avenue through the center of the city. Her apartment building was in prime location with a parking garage underneath and even had a 24 hour receptionist in the lobby. She told me to ignore him and act like I belonged there heading straight to the elevator.

In an unusual turn of events she looked even better than her pictures. She had me sit on the couch and found something to watch on tv. She asked me to rub her back, she wasn’t feeling well. After a few minutes she was apologizing and saying she had to go to sleep. Sorry, she will call another ride to get me home. I was surprised because it seemed like a lot of trouble to find out I didn’t live up to her expectations.

The next day I chalked it up to one of those things that only happens to me. But later that night she texted me and asked if I wanted to try again. Oh, she really was sick last night. I thought she just didn’t like me. We started the whole process over again. I took another ride down to Boston. She explained she didn’t want any of her neighbors to know what she was doing and she would have me dropped off a block away at the corner store where she would pick me up. She drove up in a Porsche SUV. I was beginning to wonder where this woman in her 20’s was making all this loot.

By this time we were well into the next day. She said she wanted to get a hotel room but we would have to wait until check in time. I was fine with whatever she wanted to do. She was the boss.

We finally got into the hotel room. She said she needed to take a shower and she did. I took one right after her. When I came out she was fully nude on the bed. She was in beautiful shape. I got into bed next to her but she seemed stiff and pensive. She said she was fine and maybe could I rub her back to relax her. It didn’t help and suddenly she said she was sorry she couldn’t go through with it. I’ve been turned down by women before but never when we were already naked and ready to go. She kept saying she was sorry for chickening out. I said, no problem, people aren’t going to match up all the time.

She called yet another ride for me so I could get back to my place. I couldn’t believe it. She must have spent about a thousand dollars with Uber and spent 48 hours looking forward to it, only to have nothing happen. I couldn’t figure it out. I hadn’t put any pressure for her to get me down there. I would never expect someone to do that.

This would have been a much more satisfying story if I told you we had crazy sex in the hotel room. I don’t care. I had 2 days of excitement. I guess that was thrilling enough for me. And I have a good story to tell.

(I told her to give all the drivers 5 stars)

4 thoughts on “Uberriffic!

  1. You remind me of a friend I had in highschool. He was like a magnet for awkward situations. But he was one of the funniest and most entertaining among our bunch. “This would literally only happen to you” had become a catchphrase for the rest of us. But he was always a good sport about it😂 Nice post!

    Liked by 1 person

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