Explicit Lyrics

Sunday

I was on the formal dating site for about an hour today for the first time since last summer. I read a few profiles and replied to three. I got one answer. She lives about ten minutes away. I told her my pictures were out of date and I haven’t shaved since Halloween. She asked me my feelings on manscaping so I went with it and said it makes a difference if someone is going to be near you. She pulled the COVID response and said she hasn’t had to shave her legs in six months! I wanted to write back bullshit, nobody is on a dating site hitting up strangers on Sunday afternoon because they want to get to know you very well online for the next twelve months. But I left it alone and came on here to write instead.

I wanted to get drunk last night. I wasn’t planning on starting small and working my way up. I already pictured buying enough alcohol so I could drink all night. It started at my daughter’s house. It happened early for me. Being there in a house full of people and knowing I will come home to my cat. It’s an old trigger for me but it usually doesn’t happen until I’m home. I haven’t had it that strong in a long time. I was at her house using the thought of drinking for relief from how bad I felt.

While I was home talking myself out of it I got saved by a text asking if I was home and did I want her to come over. I was like, Hell yeah! To myself and said yes! I don’t know why I was online today. I’ve been pretty whack all month. Maybe it’s the Novembeard. It itches like hell!

Monday

I’m diagnosed with “alcohol use disorder” but I’m not being treated for it. Nobody is going to ask me how I’m going to cope with a four day holiday sitting home alone. I could go on a four day rolling drunk and nobody would know about it but me. I could have done that at any time. All these months rarely seeing another person. WTF?

I’m glad I was only on the dating site for an hour. It was pretty funny seeing a lot of the same people still on there since the last time I was, six months ago. They are chronic chatters. They only want to talk through the dating app because they all have it on their phones. They don’t want to give their number and forget about meeting them. I’m all for meeting someone right off. You can tell if you like someone five minutes into a cup of coffee. It doesn’t matter what you said to each other online before you met. The more you talk online the bigger image you have built up of the other person and it never matches reality. Just meet for coffee and if you are still there talking to each other after the XL coffee is gone then you know you like each other.

Tuesday

If a woman from a dating site does give me her number, I usually get the hypertexters. From good morning to good night. They want to text all the time but only when they are with their kids and therefore unavailable. They get a babysitter and go out partying, I don’t hear my phone beep once.


My favorite is my therapist; she is always telling me, don’t hesitate to call if something comes up before we meet again. The only problem is that after 5 years I still only have her office phone number which always goes to voicemail. I called her once when I was freaking out and suicidal. She mentioned it a few weeks later. I can understand not giving out her personal number. I don’t expect that but maybe a generic email address might help? She emails people all the time while I’m sitting with her.

Wednesday

Heading into the 4 day weekend without my anxiety meds because someone screwed up the appointment and I didn’t realize I was out of refills. I called yesterday when I found out but I had to talk to a machine and they wanted a lot of info left in the voicemail. I couldn’t remember any of it but at least I gave my name and phone number. It said give them 24-48 hours to get to it. What are the chances it will be ready on the short day before a holiday weekend?

Kl and alcohol are the only substances that can kill you if you suddenly STOP taking them. You can have a seizure and die. They both work on the same area of the brain. That is why they give you bens when you are going through alcohol withdrawal. What is a person diagnosed with “alcohol use disorder” going to do when he runs out of bens? Who am I going to call about that one? Still no one has said a word about if I am going to drink anyway just because it is a traditional drinking holiday. Fucking cunts! They don’t give a fuck, they just want to get home to their families. It only takes a click of the mouse for my Dr. to refill me but I don’t think anyone will listen to the voicemail until Monday. Whatever.

They all got together as a team to diagnose me with “alcohol use disorder” but not one of them has mentioned it until the day my therapist let it slip to me in a casual conversation. It was the first I had heard of it. Totally ruins any chance I could have of returning to a somewhat normal life. I would even get rejected for hire at Walmart because all they have to do is turn on the computer and read that I am an alcoholic. If they did by some chance hire me, guess who would be put on the frequent “random” piss test list?

Fuckers! Maybe I’ll figure out where to buy some junk and start using that again. Would I get another diagnosis? “junk use disorder?” I never think about drinking when I am high on the junk.

It’s only Wednesday! I’m not telling my therapist anything again. I’ve been telling her I cured myself of “schizo-affective disorder” for the past month. What does that mean in the current terminology? I’m addicted to “schizos?”

Friday

Relax… I skipped yesterday because I didn’t feel like writing on holiday. I didn’t get drunk after all that talking. I did want some “nostalgia” beers. I wanted that good feeling of starting to drink without all that comes with it. I can’t do that like a normal person so I put it out of my head.

I did spend the day alone. It was relaxing. I ate some snacks during the day and later I cooked a big rib eye steak with asparagus and seasoned rice I make from a package. The rice is the best. You tear it open, put it in the microwave for 90 seconds and like magic… Boom! Tasty rice!

Saturday

I went back on the dating site yesterday. It’s POF if you must know. I’ve never used the phone app but you can do some pretty stalker-ish things if you have it on your desktop like I do. For instance, you can hide your profile and just “lurk”, which is what I did most of the day. I did send some messages to women I didn’t want to miss but it didn’t matter they went unread. At night I said fuck it and went full on act like I’m a full fledged member of the site on Friday night. Still very few answers. Which bugged me because I don’t send many messages and when I do they are one timers. I don’t have something I send out to every woman I see. It doesn’t matter; with the effort I put in to crafting a message, I probably receive as many replies as a good looking guy who says the ubiquitous “Hey…” I see so many complaints about.

I did manage to get blocked once. I sent a message to a woman that said, “Oh no, you cut your hair into bangs, I hope everything is okay!” That one got a response right away! She wanted to know what I meant. Apparently she had never heard the running joke about women cutting their bangs after a bad breakup or when they are depressed, etc… I told her I liked her hair. (I did even though I don’t normally like bangs) And told her I wasn’t trying to make fun of her. She blocked me.

Now I have 2 women expecting me to go back onto the site this morning and talk to them and one other woman texted me “Good morning” before I had a chance to wake up and have a good morning. I didn’t drink but I feel like I’ve been up all night drinking like I used to do on nights I spent on there. WTF? I don’t know if I can do the follow through. I’m not looking for a relationship and I never told anyone I was serious about looking. I don’t feel like explaining myself. Besides, I’ve already hidden my profile and signed out for hopefully another 6 months.

If you are going to use a dating site, I would use POF. It is free except to see who liked you which only means they swiped on your pic. You can also pay to see if someone has read your message. (stalker!) Everything else is free and from what I’ve been told you will see all the same people you see on paid sites. So why buy the cow? Right?

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