I spent yesterday with my daughter. She thrashes on the bass guitar more than ever! Ever since she was able to think for herself she always had a definite idea of how things should work. It is no different now. She says the bass should drive the song because it “makes the most NOISE!” Times are crazy. After all the advancements in technology she is now going down to the comic book store in Boston to buy vinyl records. WTF? I used to do that when I was her age. I don’t care. Whatever makes her happy. She is already dreaming of a multi thousand dollar guitar collection. She’s going to have to start saving her Christmas money!
Sometimes I wish I could just snap in front of people. Just start screaming how I really feel! People get snapshots of me. I can hold a conversation for half an hour so I must be fine. They don’t know what I do to get through the other twenty three and a half hours of the day. It’s fucking outrageous! I’m screaming like a fucking Silverback Gorilla while I sit here trying to type this bullshit! But no; I was trained to be stoic outside the house. To think before I speak out; To never let my feelings leak out. I found some synonyms for stoic. agreeable, amenable, compliant, conformist, docile, law-abiding, obedient, placable, subordinate, willing. Those all fit when I am face to face with an authority figure. Then I hate myself for it when I am alone! I am the opposite of all those when I am alone. Because of this people try to walk all over me. They think I am stupid for not calling them on their bullshit. Most times it is inconsequential. If I can I will sever the relationship. But now my doctor, case manager and therapist have been pushing me off by lying to me for the past few months. They are so obvious they must think I’m obtuse. The problem is they are bad liars and I had time on my side. I had time to gather information. Now time is running out for them. I’m starting with my doctor on Thursday. He is the most senior and “honest.” I only talk to him on the phone for two minutes every three months but this will be perfect timing. He is going to spend more than two minutes listening to me go off!
I caught them through my case manager. She won’t lie to me. She can only edit the truth. I backed her into a corner with questions and the best she can come up with now is a lame, I’ll check my notes. But she never remembers to do it.
I know by the title of this post that it’s supposed to be about why I am thankful. I got angry and sidetracked yesterday. I’m happy about my circumstances. I’ve got a place to live. I wasn’t living outside in the freezing rain we had all week. I’ve got enough to eat. I’m in perfect health. (Physically) I would give it all up for my daughter. She is a miracle. She has always been the best kid. Starting when she was a baby sleeping through the night. Seriously. She slept so good we had to ask the doctor what to do. They said we should wake her up to feed her. At a very young age she had definitive ideas about right and wrong. We tried to instill it in her but she always had a strong moral compass she developed on her own. We couldn’t have asked for a better kid. Her mom says the same thing. She doesn’t say it about the twin half brothers. They were terrors as toddlers. They have settled down now and they are good kids too. I have a deep sadness I can’t be a part of her everyday family life but I am happy I get to see her each week and have a good relationship with her.
When I was still in the hospital after almost dying some old nurse broad who found AA tried to tell me different. She was preying on my weakness while I lay in the hospital bed. She said I have to find something in life more important than my daughter because something could happen to her. I don’t know what they taught this bitch in AA but if something happened to my daughter I really wouldn’t care about myself. I know the nurse was trying to get me into the “higher power” But she was talking about god. I know they say your higher power can be anything you want it to be. Some idiot even told me my higher power could be the chair I was sitting in. If that is true then why can’t my higher power be my daughter? Why was this woman trying to scare me with the idea of my daughter dying before I do? Would she rather see my girl die instead of me drinking? What color is the sky in her world?
I yelled at my doctor for about a half hour last night. He says I’m manic and wants to call again in a week. WTF? I suppose I could have been calmer. I didn’t want to be calm. I wanted him to listen to everything I had to say. He said he will try to find an answer to my question by next week. I’m not sure if I wanted him to do that but it may help.
My Uber driver accepted and then cancelled my ride last week when I was at my daughter’s house. They gave me a ride home so I wasn’t stuck there. I’m just wary about being stranded somewhere because there are no drivers in my area. The app sent all the driver’s info to my phone and said he would be there in 10 minutes. He wasn’t going to have to go far out of his way. My drive is short so maybe he thought he wouldn’t make much money but I give the highest tip.
We are getting snow tomorrow so I think I am going to try to see my daughter on Sunday. I really hope the drivers don’t move out of the area for the winter. I found out I have a 5 star rating so that can’t be the reason my driver cancelled. I don’t live in a bad part of town. It’s a mystery.
It’s a cold, rainy Saturday. I am thankful I’m just getting rain here on the coast. My mom is getting snow an hour north. Ooooo… I hate snow! I am thankful I am sitting in here nice and toasty warm. I am happy I will see my daughter tomorrow and she still loves me. Her twin half brothers love me. My ex and her new husband tolerate me (No, they like me ;)) And don’t forget the animals. Four dogs and two cats. Willa, Kipper, Roxanne, Bradley, Mabel and Slim Shady. Those are the animals, not the kids. It gets pretty crazy over there! A lot more exciting than staying home with my cat.