We both joined Tinder on the same day and we were the first two people to match up with each other. We knew immediately we would hook up eventually but we had to go through the game of getting each other interested. My family is from Scotland and her family was from Ireland. I quickly started typing in a fake Gaelic accent. I don’t know much about the Gaelic language but I know enough to keep someone LOL’ing. And that is all you have to do most of the time while texting a potential mate; you have to keep them LOL’ing. It’s not as easy as you might think. You can be the funniest person in the world but a simple LOL reply doesn’t give you much inspiration for the next joke. I once saw on Twitter; “People who reply LOL in a text; What do you want from us?” I think about that a lot.
We were both brand new to Tinder. She was trying it out because she was recently divorced and I was trying it out because I am salacious, lecherous and depraved. We hit it off immediately. My opening line was a Gaelic slang because I guessed correctly that it was the Irish countryside in the background of one of her pictures. She was impressed and went along with it.
We talked on the app for a couple hours, mostly to get her comfortable with meeting a stranger for the first time. I could tell she was excited but I didn’t ask for her number right away. When I did it was already 2 in the morning. She said she wanted to call so she could hear my voice. She must have liked it because after a short talk we ended up having phone sex. Then I started trying to get her to come to my place. She lives about 20 minutes away. She said she had to work in a couple hours so it was out of the question but she kept waffling and I couldn’t tell if she was going to make the drive or what. She put me off until the next day, which was Friday. She told me to call her again after she got home from work.
I called her later that night. Neither one of us had gotten much sleep and I think that contributed to more than the usual amount of laughter. I knew she wanted to meet and I kept inviting her to my place but she wouldn’t say yes. I couldn’t figure it out and finally she said she needed to hear those three little words. I thought this bitch must be crazy. She wants me to say, “I love you” before she will fuck me for the first time? Thankfully I was wrong. The three little words were, “I want you!” I said them and she was at my house in less than an hour. I was impressed. She looked exactly like her pictures and was very well dressed in a dress. A dress! I don’t know how she knew but nothing turns me on more than a woman in a dress or skirt.
The dress didn’t stay on long and that is when I found she was quite different than most women I have met. She started having orgasms as soon as I started kissing her on the neck and touching her with my hands. This continued after we made it to the bed. She had orgasm after orgasm. At one point she stopped me and pushed me off her because she said she couldn’t take it anymore. She was exhausted. But after a few minutes of breathing we started again and she started again. I have to admit I felt like big daddy bootknocker but I know I am no super stallion in bed. I wasn’t doing anything special with her. She was just overly sensitive. I know from experience some women don’t orgasm, some women have a few and others have more than a few. She just took it to the extreme. I have never seen anyone like that before or since.
We went on like that for about 6 months. Once a week I would text her on a random night, chat for a bit and she would tell me to say it. Say what I would ask; playing dumb. You know, she would tell me. “I want you”, I would say and boom! She was at my door! She never stopped surprising me with a new dress each time. I don’t know how she had such a collection but I never saw the same one twice. It was exciting.
Like all good affairs of the heart, it had to come to an end eventually. It did. It was a version I have seen before. She started catching feelings and I thought she wanted me to replace her husband. She even invited me to spend the weekend at her house with her and her kids. I don’t know what she was thinking but Tinder is not a meet your friends and family app. It is a hook up app. I told her it was a fantastic time but I think we had to end it.
A few months later I got a text from her around Christmas. I knew she wasn’t just trying to wish me Happy Holidays. Against my better judgement I said it again… “I want you.” She came right over and we picked up where we left off. I gave her time to get home and texted her. I told her we couldn’t go back to where we were. She asked why and I said it was because I would have to tell my new girlfriend what happened and see what she thought about it. I wasn’t lying. I did have a new friend and she was a girl and I did tell her. She didn’t care but I need an excuse to avoid my weakness. She texted back my name and said, —-, it’s okay to say goodbye. I asked her what she meant. She said it again. “It’s okay to say goodbye.” I texted goodbye and that was the last I heard from her. I’m sure neither of us regrets any of it.
She was the first and only woman I met on Tinder. I had deleted the app because it is owned by Facebook and I don’t see why Zuckerberg needs to know who I am fucking. I also completely deleted my Facebook account later so I can’t sign up for Tinder again. It is just as well. It seemed that every time I tried to talk to a woman the app showed was 5 miles away she was actually just driving by and lived 80 miles away. I would talk to them but it wasn’t a feasible relationship.
This was fun to write. I hope it was fun to read. If you made it this far. I think I will schedule it for Sunday.