Hornpoutin’ (Infidelity)

Heart colored pencils

Hornpout is just the colloquial term for catfish that live up here in the northern climate. I haven’t heard it since I was a kid but now it is sounding pretty funny to me. I’ve said it before, people with mania should not be allowed to have an internet connection. I say it now because I went “hornpoutin” last week for a couple of nights. I didn’t bother everyone, just the people who were ridiculous and certainly asking for it. This is sad for several reasons but also funny. I think I will have to split it between a couple posts depending on how long this goes.

One of the guys I bothered was a married for married, copy and paste post they all use but something was different that made it absurd. I wish I could remember what it was. I sent him a short message with a quick description of my imaginary generic married woman. I asked him about the logistics, you know, if we both live with our spouses how are we going to meet up? He quickly responded and said he had no problem getting a motel room so it would be “safe for both of us.” How romantic. I lost interest because I didn’t really feel like fucking with this poor married guy so I didn’t answer him again and I was already messing with some funnier people. But the next day he emailed me twice asking me how I was doing, like we were old friends or something. He was really determined to cheat on his wife. I had already ignored 3 of his emails. He didn’t even know my name or what I looked like and he already had us shacking up in the “NoTell Motel.” He was asking for it so I gave it to him.

I didn’t give him much encouragement but he was all in after 3 emails. I asked him what his wife was doing right now and he said she was on the couch on the other side of the room watching television. Imagine that? She’s sitting there thinking everything is fine and he is sitting 10 feet away using his phone to try to cheat on her with another married woman? He asked me what I do for work so I made up something and he came back with a real humblebrag. He said, “I’m a mechanical engineer for the Ford Motor Company but as cool as that may sound, it’s actually fantastically boring.” Oh yes, now I definitely want to fuck him.

I still tried to let him off the hook by ignoring him but he kept emailing me. Saturday afternoon he sent me an email while he was decorating his house for Christmas. I waited a day and asked him why he was with his family decorating and thought it would be a good idea to just shoot off a quick email to me? He backpedaled and tried to say he was alone decorating, he thought it would be fun this year and besides it didn’t take that long to send me an email, he was thinking of me. (How sweet)

I wasn’t giving this guy any encouragement. My emails said, I’m really busy with work today or something. Then I said I hope it doesn’t snow tomorrow, the older I get the less I like winter. He wrote back agreeing with the weather and segued into “What are you looking for in this relationship?” I wrote back one word, “Relationship?” That must have stumped him because he didn’t write back right away. I sent another, “What are we going to be star crossed lovers meeting 2 afternoons a month in the Motel 6? We don’t even know each other’s first names.” He wrote back the standard copy and paste, I said I was looking for a friend with benefits but I really want to emphasize the friends part… (more bullshit) and he ended with “my goal is to not change your relationship or mine.” I wrote back, cheating on our spouses would certainly be a major change in both our relationships.

Wants to emphasize the friends part. In the second email he had us meeting up and fucking in a motel somewhere when he didn’t know my name or what I looked like or more importantly, I’m a man! That’s why I tried ignoring him because he was so predictable.

Anyway. Think about that next time you are sitting on the couch watching CSI:Miami on Thursday night and your husband is on the other side of the room using his phone. There are lots of guys doing the exact same thing.

I keep ignoring him and he keeps asking me how my day was. He also starts at least one sentence in each email with the word “honestly.” I wonder if he “honestly” talks to his wife that way?

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