12/14/20: Christmas is approaching faster than I thought. I don’t have much money so it is a good thing my daughter is the only one I have to shop for. I would love to buy her that new bass but that is out of reach. I probably want to get it for her because I think it is as cool as she thinks it is. Her group present this year is going to be a nice laptop for school and hopefully longer. I’ve been trying to think of little things I can get sent to her in the mail she can open and be surprised. She may not like them but she will be surprised! So far I got her a set of guitar picks with her nickname embossed on them. I don’t know if they are usable but whatever. I ordered Disturbed: Down with the Sickness 30th anniversary album on vinyl. I’m not sure if she will like it but we have similar taste in music. I did realize I had never listened to the whole thing before, (yes, impulse buy) so I YouTube’d it and I couldn’t get through the whole thing. I already know she likes two songs. I also found a 7″ vinyl recording from one of her bands, Royal Blood: Trouble’s Coming. I think she will like that. It has the lyrics etched on the reverse. Knowing her and the way she likes to buy stuff for herself she already has it. I didn’t ask her this weekend because I didn’t want to ruin the surprise. I did tell her to keep an eye on the mail but the way it has been slowed down this year who knows if she will get anything by Christmas. But, completely out of character for me, I didn’t wait until the last minute to shop. So we shall see.
My daughter got her MacBook today. Her mom says she is “amped.” I am happy for her. She should be able to use it for years. She says she wants to buy the bass for herself so I am going to give her a little cash for that. I asked her a few years ago what is better, presents or money and she said, “CASH!”
She is finally dragging me into this century as far as music is concerned. I’ve been stuck in the 90’s for 30 years. I just couldn’t find anything I would like to listen to enough to commit to downloading onto my device. She has her finger on the pulse of all the unknown or indie bands and I like most of them. Like I said, Finally my kind of music is coming back. If you like straight hard power trio style rock I have some bands for you! Zig Mentality, Royal Blood and Dead Poet Society. (That is poet without an ‘S’, not like the movie, I made that mistake) Dead Poet Society has a really good CD called “Dempsey.” You can listen to all of them online for free. I like them well enough to pay for the download and they look like they could use the money.
9pm Tuesday night and I’ve been rehearsing what I’m going to say to my therapist when I finally talk to her Friday. It’s not going well! My cat has been hiding under the couch for the past hour! I really don’t see how I don’t escalate into yelling at my therapist within seconds of answering the phone. I’m trying not to but that’s how it keeps happening when I go through it out loud here in my living room. She has been lying to me or going to extremes not to answer a specific question that has a serious impact on the rest of my life. First they tried pretending I didn’t ask and hoping I would somehow forget. This has been happening for 4 months! People lie to me and I don’t say anything so they think I believe them. And they are like, wow, I can’t believe he fell for that bullshit. Next time I can bullshit him even more. They don’t know I am just gathering ammunition and letting them fall further down the trust scale. What they lie about tells me what I need to know. I don’t need to know any more. It’s time for me to start telling the truth!
I know I will be dropping “F Bombs” on my therapist but what if I call her names like you fucking bitch or worse? Would she get mad and hang up? Would she try to get me to calm down and see things rationally? That’s what will piss me off more. I don’t want her gaslighting me like my doctor tried to do. Just because I’m manic doesn’t mean I’m not coherent. It doesn’t mean I haven’t thought things through.
Snow today. The older I get the less I like it. My daughter says she won’t go outside today.
Two things have shipped, one still just says I ordered it. Nothing else.
I downloaded those songs. It sucks because I have to do it on a computer because one of my devices only downloads from usb. It is like 15 year old ipod. It still works great. It plugs into a old time radio/docking station with the metal telescoping antennae. I bought myself a present. I got a set of wireless bookshelf speakers so I can use bluetooth and listen with good bass and in stereo. I have a sub woofer attached to my computer but it won’t connect to my music. I watch YouTube a lot. Ha! It was easy to play my music in Windows 10. I never wanted to try. It has a shuffle button but it doesn’t seem to work. It’s playing most recent. Gloria Gaynor: “I Will Survive” I don’t have much of that stuff on my computer but Cake does the best cover of it and I have that in my collection. Never mind. I can’t deal without shuffle. Back to the old school. The thing cranks. I listen to the volume on 12 if I don’t want anyone to hear me. The most I’ve had it up to was 40 and that was too much. I was pissed at the people upstairs so I pointed the speakers at the ceiling in my bedroom, shut the door and listened well from my living room! The knock on the door came at 3am. It’s digital so I don’t know how high it will go. Will it stop at 100? Who knows?
I just went totally fucking psycho on my therapist! It worked. She started working on shit before I got off the phone with her. She kept telling me it was a work in progress and I told her not to say that because there has been no progress and nobody has been working on it. It sucks I have to pull a nutty on them to get a response to something I’ve been asking calmly for the last 4 months. She tried to do it to me. “You sound like you might be getting manic.” “Some of this sounds delusional”. I told her to shut up she is just pissing me off!
Scared the shit out of my cat while I was on the phone with her. He wouldn’t come near me and was running around. He is the most chill cat though. He is already back to normal. I threatened to stop taking all my meds. Later on she asked me if I would continue taking my meds. I said I can’t say no or you will call the cops on me. Fuckers!
A woman came to my place this morning. I woke up and got an email that said call me if you see this! I called and she said she was 15 minutes away is it okay if she stops by. My coffee maker hadn’t even finished yet but I said yes. I took a quick shower and chugged the cup of coffee dispensed. She got here and she looked 10 years older than her picture and she already looked pretty old in her picture! Her cheeks continued down to her neck without interruption and she had one of those stenciled on faces you see in cartoons. I understand people using out of date pics but she named the picture with a recent date! I asked her what kind of dog was in the background of the pic and she said, I don’t have a dog! The photo was framed to have her face in the foreground and the dog was in the center It’s not like he just wandered into the shot. My picture actually was taken last week. It doesn’t matter. We weren’t each other’s types and we both made the other nervous. It was an anxiety fest!