Dang it!

Tuesday

12/22/20: The dog in the picture had been dead so long she had totally forgotten about him and was surprised by the question of what breed he is. That’s how old the picture was. The woman in the picture sent me an email the day after we met to “let me down easy.” She seemed like a really nice person, we just didn’t hit it off. I just wrote back; thanks for writing most people just ghost and leave you wondering, nice meeting you, thanks again. To tell the truth it was obvious we weren’t what each other were looking for and I was planning on just ghosting her. But what was she thinking surprising me when I woke up in the morning and giving me 15 minutes to get ready. I wasn’t expecting to meet her until later that day.


When my daughter was 8 she refused to curse. I don’t know why. Both her mom and I swear like sailors. I drop F bombs like I am a B-52. Instead of swearing she would say “Dang it!” and smile because she knew she was being funny. I don’t know how she learned which words she can’t say. Do they put a list on the board at school? We never had to admonish her because she never uttered a bad word. She is 15 now and the worst she will say is something, “sucks.”


Right now I am saying “dang it!” because for once I didn’t wait to shop last minute. I knew the mail would be slow and I ordered my daughter a few things way back around thanksgiving. I am tracking them online and only one has a chance of making it on time. It is in tracking limbo. It left Pennsylvania 3 days ago and still hasn’t arrived at a facility or hasn’t been scanned yet. It does figure into the usual state of my life that the one thing I ordered for myself less than a week ago has already arrived at her house. I ship my own packages there because people in my apartment building steal packages down by the mailbox area.


My daughter is doing school remotely but her half brothers who go to school in the same town have to be present in the school for half the week. Doesn’t make sense to me either. They all live in the same house. A kid in one of her brother’s classes tested positive for COVID so just that one class has to quarantine at home. Like the kid who tested positive didn’t come into contact with anyone else in the whole school. Sorry, but that is just retarded. Sorry if I offended anyone with that word but I am old and that is how we used the word back then.


I feel bad for yelling at my therapist but it had to be done. I wasn’t angry with her for not knowing the answer to my question, I was angry because she is trying to tell me of all her network of people who work in the field… Nobody has ever even heard of someone in my situation? My case is far from unique. I’m not asking for the answer. I’m asking for direction toward who to call for the answer. It is someone who works for the state but I’m not calling every office in the state giving my info only to find I am talking to the wrong office. She works with the state regularly and has no idea who to call to ask this question? No idea?


I know what happened on my end but what was that woman expecting to see when she showed up. I am afraid to send my selfies because they look so horrible. I use the rear facing camera, I don’t use any filters, I don’t retouch the photo, I don’t even crop it, and I’m in bad fluorescent light reflected off plain white walls. If I look uglier in real life than I do in that picture, I am in trouble!

Imagine if I said fuck it and got drunk and went internet crazy this weekend? I can see it now… I wake up and I look at my phone to see I’ve been texting three different women from a dating site (I can be quite lugubrious when I am drunk) and whoa! One of them is coming over in a few hours! Shit! I’m hungover like a dog!


I have to get up in the morning. Usually I can’t get to sleep until 4 or 5 in the morning. These people can’t fathom why I don’t have a normal schedule like they do. They work in the profession. I am on disability for schizoaffective disorder. I take 5 medications for it. They can’t think of one reason why I may have trouble sleeping? What do they think is going on here when I am by myself all the time? Do they think I am partying my tits off? I’m having such a great time I just can’t wait until 3am to watch that vacuum cleaner commercial… Again? They always ask how much coffee I drink. Like, yeah, I’ve been doing this 20 years and I’m too stupid to figure out coffee might be keeping me awake. I barely drink any coffee but thanks for that excellent solution!

Wednesday

Wow! I wasn’t expecting that! I caught my therapist in a lie and called her out on it and now she is being vindictive and fucking with me 2 days before Christmas! Wow!

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