I didn’t think about it until last night. I wasn’t worried about drinking on Christmas but then New Year’s Eve popped into my head. It is the only time I would drink champagne but I love champagne! That’s going to be a huge trigger! The holiday falls on Friday night of a three day weekend and it’s a traditional celebration (party) for me. If I drank wine it would be bad news. It goes down so sweet and fast. I would quickly be more drunk than intended. It’s like those people who only have 2 glasses. They chug them so they get that quick hit of high blood alcohol concentration. Then it goes away in an hour but they like it because in addition they get that leftover feel good that comes after good laughing.
All I wanted to do is leave a message for my therapist telling her to call me back AFTER Christmas to reschedule tomorrow’s appointment. She called me anyway. I don’t know why because she is not available until January. I don’t know why she thought anything had changed since last Friday when I was yelling at her the whole time. I definitely don’t want to talk to her and get pissed off right before Christmas when I’m not able to visit my daughter. Did she think I wanted to calmly discuss it after nothing had been resolved? I was even more angry after talking to her. Excuse me, I wasn’t angry. I was livid.
I follow a sobriety blog because they did a “Dry July” and posted twice a day articles from people who are sober. But they didn’t finish the month because (I think) the person organizing it relapsed at the end of the month. They didn’t post again until the 2nd week of August. They are a blog trying to get you to join their alcohol free “community.” I don’t do that but I read them once in a while when they post. Today they posted something about 15 years in the title. I was thinking, finally someone with some time under their belt. But the first line said, “I can count on one hand the number of sober Christmas’ I’ve had in the past fifteen years… Two.” That wasn’t very encouraging. My aunt quit forty years ago with no outside help. I was hoping to read about how someone stayed sober for years. Why would I join their community if I have been sober longer than they have?
I saw my daughter today! Well, part of her. She was wearing a mask. They gave me a ride to the grocery store and saved my Christmas! I mortgaged my future and bought steak for tonight and tomorrow on my credit card. That’s not all I got but it made me feel better. They brought my new speakers so I got the bass line bumpin’! I had to go with no sleep but it was worth seeing people today.
I had to walk to get my hair cut. It’s about a mile each way. They didn’t plow the sidewalks for some reason. The town has a driving snowthrower designed for it and we had about a foot of snow last week. I had to walk on the edge of the road and hear people hammer on the gas as they came up behind me. This town isn’t very pedestrian friendly. It was worth it though. My hair was out of control because this was the first warm walking weather we’ve had in a long time. I wanted to look good for Christmas even though I am going to be alone. It gives me a boost. I don’t know why. It will probably be too long again the next time I see an actual person.
Angry, lonely, bored and holiday season. I have all the ingredients for a big drinking session. I really don’t think I will succumb but wish me luck.
Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or hopefully you have some vacation days. Whatever you celebrate. Have fun!