One Lump or Two?

Heart colored pencils

I met this chick on OkStupid back when it was a free, fully functional dating site. Back then there was no paying for extra features. What the hell? I had been divorced a number of years. It was back when I used to fall into the text trap. She got my number and it was texting from the moment she woke up until the minute she went to sleep. I just can’t do that and I’ve found out it is a major red flag. Whatever… We got along talking fine and I only had to wait several days to meet her in person. The weird thing I remember about her was her saying we were very similar. I was on disability for a mental illness and she had a young son with autism. No. You should be paying attention to your son instead of texting me all day and night.


I lived up north with my brother and she lived down south with her parents but she was very interested in meeting me. There was not much to do where I lived so I said I would drive down to meet her in the “big city.” This story is so old it is pre GPS! I had to print out MapQuest directions to find the bar where we were supposed to meet. It was no problem. I come from the age of huge folding paper maps. She knew the place and we both liked to play pool. And have a couple drinks. I taught the bartender how to make Cousin’ B’s Lemonade. My namesake.

We started with our drinks and a couple games of pool. She was horrible. So I made her a bet. I said I could beat her 10 games in a row and she could choose what I win. Two drinks later she was 10 games in the hole and deep in debt. I asked her how she would like to pay.

Well. She totally fucking surprised me! She had me pay the bill and took me out to her mini-van. She grew up in the city and I had only visited the outskirts a few times. She parked down by the river that ran through the middle of town. We got out and she wanted to kiss but I was feeling stupid because we were like two kids outside in the middle of the night. She said wait a minute, I want to take you somewhere.

We piled into the mini-van and went roving. She drove me out of the city and showed me her parent’s house for some reason. She didn’t show it to me, we drove by and she pointed it out. Then next thing I know we are on the outskirts of town and she takes a turn down a wooded dirt road. We talked and it seemed like she drove on forever. I quickly figured out where we were. We were on the back road to her old high school’s baseball fields. She parked and told me she wanted to “pay up.” It turns out my billiards proficiency had earned me a nice blowjob in the mini-van! Then she drove me back to the bar and my car where I left for home.

I lived 40 miles north of her when we met and I was in the process of moving 40 miles east of her after the bet. I don’t know, it all happened within a week or so. I was in my new apartment with a television on the floor but happy as hell to be away from my brother’s house. It was pretty poor house over here. I had lawn furniture in my living room my mom had given me. I technically lived here but I hadn’t yet “moved in.”

I was sitting here one night after not hearing from her in a bit and I got a random text message from her. It said,” Does your new apartment have one bedroom or two?” If we were having a conversation I wouldn’t have thought anything of it. I answered back,” one” but I was thinking JC this woman wants to move in with me and her 4 year old kid based on a bj in the back of a mini-van! That just wasn’t happening! I don’t care how good a bj is?

She stopped talking to me after I said I only had one bedroom.

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