You Did What?!?!

It’s been a long time since I’ve been checked into the psych ward. My doctor and therapist thought it was a sign I am doing so much better. Even though I told them the next time I go into the hospital it will be feet first or in hand cuffs. The last time I went was in handcuffs but I knew all the right answers and lied. They put me in an unlocked room for “observation.” I texted someone and escaped through the side door of the hospital. I would have just walked home but it was the middle of winter and all I had was a thin shirt.

I won’t go to the psych ward again because of the way I was treated last time I was there. I checked myself in and at the time I was drunk. I told them the truth and said the only reason I was drinking was I stopped taking my meds and was trying to self medicate. All of the doctors and nurses would ask me who my doctor was on the outside. I would tell them, Dr. Kates. They would all have the same reaction, “Oh Jim! I know him, he works here on weekends” I would say I know he’s been my doctor for 20 years.

I saw a doctor the first day and explained I just needed a safe place to get back on my medications because I was suicidal. He nodded and said he would prescribe me and he left. At night I went to the nurse window and they gave me flintstone hangover vitamins. No psychoactive meds I usually take. I stayed awake that night. The next day there was another doctor and her team of like 5 people taking notes. I told her I didn’t get my meds. She said I would get them tonight. Again at night I went to the nurse window. Flinstone vitamins, no meds. I saw a different doctor the next day he told me I would get my meds immediately. I went to the nurse. She said he prescribed me a shitload of valium. I didn’t understand, I had never taken valium in my life. I said I didn’t want it. It was a lot too. So much valium the two nurses thought it was a mistake and called the Dr. to make sure. Then they still refused to give that to me. Even though I didn’t want it.

It was the 4th day and all of a sudden I find I am one of those people arguing with the nurses about my meds. I know nurses can’t prescribe. They just hand out the pills the doctor tells them to. I saw the doctor again. The one with all the assistants around the table. She looked me straight in the eye and asked me if I was buying my meds off the street! I said, No, I get them at the pharmacy like everyone else. She looked surprised. I said, I suddenly feel a lot better, do you think I can go home now? (5 of them around the table and not one had the job to verify with 1 phone call?)

After that it was a different story. The nurses were chasing me down the halls trying to throw pills in my mouth. Everyone had a big smile and was friendly to me. I was fuming. I was in the hospital after being unmedicated at home for a week and they kept me unmedicated for 4 more days and nobody had called my doctor on the outside to find out what meds I take?!?! I was pissed. They were treating me like one of the drunks that checks in for 3 hots and a cot. (3 hot meals a day and a place to sleep for free) They thought I checked myself into the hospital to score drugs. They just automatically thought I was lying and I couldn’t figure out why.

Part two:

Five years later ( November 2020) my therapists drops the phrase “alcohol use disorder” on me like we talk about it all the time. I thought about it and it all started to make sense. Not only the hospital but how I was treated differently in all official situations. She diagnosed me with alcohol disorder. That was the only difference between my last hospital stay and all the previous ones. Were they just taking my word for it when I told them the meds I took all those visits? WTF kind of process is that? Then I come in and they see on the computer “Alcohol Use Disorder” Red flag! He is a liar! Don’t believe anything he says! I finally figured out why they were treating me with vitamins for alcohol withdrawal. Even though I told them I only drank one day and I could never in my life drink every day so I was in no danger of having a seizure and dying. I told them the truth on every question they asked me. I am done telling the truth to anyone in an official capacity.

Cunt! My therapist. When I figured it out in December I yelled at her on the phone and she lied to me again. All the times I complained and swore I would never go back to the hospital again and all she would say is, ” I can’t understand why they would treat you that way?” Bullshit! She knew exactly why! That is how they treat alcoholics in the hospital! I just couldn’t figure it out because I had never been treated that way in all my many visits over my lifetime. I had seen it a thousand times. I just thought the drunks were trying to con their way into drugs. I didn’t know they were being lied to by the doctors like I was.

I cancelled my therapist appointment the day before Christmas. I have no idea why she thought I would want to ruin my holiday by getting pissed at her all over again. She had no clue and rescheduled for January. Well, I’m glad she had a good holiday because mine sucked. She called yesterday (Friday) and tried to continue the lie. I told her to get fucked don’t call me again! She waited 5 minutes and called back. She asked if I wanted her to call me next week. I said bitch, what did I just say? What is going to change next week? What is going to get resolved? You have been lying to someone who trusted you for 5 years. She tried to say she can get me another therapist. What is that going to do? I’m not going to trust the new therapist and the new therapist is going to treat me like an alcoholic and won’t believe anything I say. Fuck all of them. They all work together and I know my doctor knows because he works at the hospital. He has treated alcohol use disorder patients the exact same way over the years. He has been lying to me the whole time too. I am about ready to stop taking all my meds again. They can all get fucked! Who am I supposed to trust. Do they think I am an idiot?

4 thoughts on “You Did What?!?!

  1. My heart goes out to you. I’ve battled mental illness and, in a lot of ways, it’s worse than being physically ill. Know that there are people who care and that feel your pain. Blessings to you, hon. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

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