Perpetual Motion

My daughter bought a new Big Muff pedal for her bass guitar. It was the first thing she said when I texted her this morning and she sent a picture of it. Her mom said she has been dying to tell me. She is up in her room rocking the house. I guess I lost her now. Her mom says she can hear it downstairs in the kitchen. I remember what it was like to get all excited about the guitar. She texted me an audio and I recognized the song immediately as one of the bands she got me listening to. She sounded just like it.

She also turned 15 and a half which means she can drive a car as long as she is with someone over 21 years old. I can’t believe it happened so fast. They bought her a black BMW last summer. It is a 2005 but it is in good condition. They bought it for only $800 because the owner thought the head gasket was blown. They drove it home and it turned out to be something much easier to fix than a head gasket. I am jealous! Her step dad works on motors for a living so he is quite handy. He fixes all the cars. She is going to be the coolest kid next summer! Last summer she was afraid and said she didn’t want to get her license. But now after seeing the car in the driveway and having been out driving in parking lots she is excited about it. She says she won’t be able to drive it in the snow because it is rear wheel drive. I told her about the huge rear wheel drive cars I had to drive when I was a kid. I couldn’t wait for it to snow so I could go out and do donuts. So much fun!


I yelled at my doctor yesterday. I asked him, what the fuck do you think I am doing over here? Having a 24 hour party? Kicking back in the sun? It’s me and my cat in the middle of fucking winter and I don’t own a car! (I hate winter!) I’m spending half the day scared to death for no good reason and the other half I’m reading the computer and watching tv at the same time to distract from the voices. I told him I fired my therapist (he already knew) and said I can’t fire him. What am I going to do? Get a new doctor who can send me to the hospital by fucking with my medications?

I don’t really have a New Year’s resolution to post less on here. I’m just having trouble functioning well enough to sit down and write. One thing I did think of as resolutionish is to try to be more positive. I know I have a lot of angry posts but a lot of the time it is my anger that inspires me to write. I have been trying to wait until I calm down before I open up the editor. For instance; the rant about my doctor could have taken up a few long paragraphs if I had written it directly after the conversation which happened yesterday.

I am getting excited about my daughter driving. She is going to be the baddest bitch (It’s a joke, we taught her not to let anyone call her a bitch) at her school next summer. Driving a sleek, black BMW with her bass guitar in the back. The car is 15 years old but still in good condition. It’s an automatic so she can’t take after me. When I was married we had a 10 year old BMW with a stick shift. I would take it out at night down the curvy, coast road and bounce the tachometer between 3 and 6,000 as I raced through the gears. It was my favorite way to blow off steam!


She drove herself to school today! Well, she needs an adult with her but she drove. It’s her first day back at school so I have mixed feelings with the virus happening. I can’t believe she is driving already! Like yesterday she was a tiny little Peanut strapped into the back seat. I’m so excited for her! She is going to be killing it when she gets her license this summer. She already has her own car. Nobody needs to know it cost $800. Seriously, though, where are you going to get an $800 BMW in good shape. They got lucky. It must have come from some guy with a lot of money who couldn’t be bothered to fix it. He probably just wanted it out of his yard. It didn’t even need a new engine. She will be stylin’!

I can’t believe the shit that is happening now! He gave a speech where the main theme was “we will never stop fighting” to a bunch of people he has been lying about a fraudulent election and they walked directly to the capitol building, to “not stop fighting,” and killed people and they are debating if he had anything to do with it. I’m scared because I’m not on the side that owns all the guns. Did you all see the congresswoman on television with her speech being broadcast around the world while she wore a mask that said “censored?” That is the line they are feeding the public. They are making it a freedom of speech issue. Telling them they are being silenced. Breaking into buildings and killing people is not free speech.


The sobriety blog I follow finally posted this month after advertising last month they would be doing a “Dry January.” They did a “Dry July” and posted twice a day and inexplicably disappeared near the end of the month. They took a couple months off and only posted sporadically. I think it is funny because the blog is professional and they have links to join their “community.” I clicked the link today and it brought me to a page with a picture of a cell phone. I assume they have a sobriety app. Maybe they are too busy with the app to work on the blog. I don’t know. I’ve never contacted them. I don’t like the idea of having an app on my phone that tracks me and says I’m an alcoholic.


My fucking therapist called today like it was an ordinary missed appointment and left a voicemail to reschedule! Is she drunk? It was only last week I told her to fuck off, don’t call me back and hung up the phone twice. The second time I hung up was her calling back to ask if I wanted her to call me back today??? I told her, what did I just say? It was only a week ago. I was emphatic telling her not to call me back; twice!


Good news! I’m going to visit my daughter Monday. They made her go back to school in person and they made some messed up schedule. They split them into two groups and they go to school two days every two days. She goes in Tuesday and Wednesday and the other group goes Thursday and Friday etc… I don’t see how jumping days around is going to fool the virus.

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