1/25/21: I am a mess… I can’t take care of my apartment. I had resolve last week and cleaned two tables full of old papers. Some of them were dated two years ago. I still haven’t cleaned the desk I am writing at now.. I think it has even older paper work. I eat off dirty dishes. If I am putting the same food on a plate I won’t wash it first. Forget about laundry. I wear the same thing almost every day unless I have to see someone. Then I shower and take a shirt out of the closet. I haven’t washed them but they are not technically dirty. I try to make it so nobody sees me in the same clothes twice, so I rotate. I buy new pants once in a while and new underwear and socks. That’s about all I can manage. Who cares? I spend most of my days not interacting with anyone. Even taking a shower is hit or miss. I can usually make myself do it before I see someone. But even sometimes I can’t.
I’ve been having trouble with basic functions for a long time. I spend most of my days and nights just trying to make it through. I feel a little better after the sun goes down. Somehow it makes me feel like I accomplished something. I hear things in the hallway outside my door.A lot of times I think it is people swearing and calling my name. That wouldn’t be possible because nobody knows my name around here. Sometimes there really are people out in the hallway being loud. I live in fear of the police knocking down my door even though they would have no reason to do it. I try to talk my way through it. I try to distract myself with music and television and writing these things. This doesn’t last long. It only took me ten minutes to write. It takes focus and takes my mind off everything in my head. I could write for miles but I don’t think anyone would want to read a 2500 word post about my week. This already seems long so I will stop.
I don’t feel good today. I can’t stop crying. I want to off myself.
I am addicted to the adrenaline rush of anger. I don’t get angry on purpose but it happens a lot. I fly into intense rages.Usually in the morning and it wakes me up quicker than coffee. Maybe I am addicted to the adrenaline rush of anxiety too. I just read it could be caused by low levels of serotonin. That makes sense since I can’t take SSRI’s. They either do nothing or send me straight to the hospital in a manic state. I gave up trying new ones about 10 years ago.
The word schizophrenia comes from the Greek, “of split mind.” But it does not mean split personality. Please stop using it that way.
A strange thing happened today. I wore a hole in my sock. That’s not the weird part. The weird part is I didn’t wear a hole through it as much as a one inch diameter hole fell out of my sock. I found it on the floor. It did inspire me to write my first book review in months about the first book I’ve “read” in months. I have it scheduled to post Sunday.