Monday: I never believed in manifestation or the law of attraction or any of that other bullshit. There have been a lot of times in my life where I thought the universe was aligned with me and giving me everything I needed. It hasn’t been working that way for quite a while. A couple months ago I gave up looking for a new partner. I didn’t want to do it any of the ways I had before but I was stuck wondering how to do it. I just hit pause. But I was still thinking about it. I have sex with a girl I am perfectly happy with except I barely see her.
I accidentally watched the beginning of one of those manifestation videos. It wasn’t clearly labeled. The same night a woman from forever ago texted me in the middle of the night. The coincidence added to the excitement. I wasn’t thinking valentine was coming up. I don’t think of it as a holiday. I’ve had people I barely know look me up before Thanksgiving or Christmas. Then I remembered why we hadn’t talked in years. We didn’t click.
I only actually met with one person who did that one year.
Don’t fucking look up to me! You got ten minutes to live: what are you gonna do next?
I can’t write about shit. I’ve been trying to listen to a series of lectures. They are very interesting but I can’t follow along. My sensory system has been overloaded all week. Coincidentally that is what the lectures touch on.
I wanted to listen and write about those lectures on audio but I still can’t even listen to them. I like they are only 30 minutes long but that is too much for me right now. I am pretty sure this will be the only thing I post this week. I have a YouTube video to publish also. It should be easy. I finished it 2 weeks ago before I lost my mind. My first one got 1 view, which is pretty good considering I didn’t tell anyone how to find it. I’m trying to do a series of meditations for people who don’t like meditating but want to meditate. (like me) I got the idea from watching other YouTube meditation videos while desperately trying to relax. Few of them worked. I listened to a lot of them. Most of them are the same and useless. I did write down what worked for me and I will use that as a starting point.
I was supposed to go see my daughter Wednesday but I screwed up the night before. I fell asleep for about an hour and when I woke up I was completely confused as to where and when I was. Once I realized what was going on (or so I thought) I got up to make morning coffee. It was morning alright! 2 in the morning! I didn’t know until I had finished a cup of coffee. Obviously I had to take my night meds and go back to bed, right? (Wrong!) I couldn’t decide if it was too early to drink coffee or too late to take my meds. I tried drinking coffee all night and I was a mess by the time I should have seen my daughter. I had to cancel. (Still no sleep that day) I feel bad because I rarely cancel on her. She has been canceling on me a lot lately. Maybe she wanted to again and I just made it easier for her. I haven’t seen her in about a month. At first I was taking it personally but she is 15 and doesn’t need her old man of a dad hanging around all the time. It’s difficult. 16 years went by so fast. I know that sounds cliche but it really does feel like last week she was a little peanut who fit in the palm of my hand!
I think this is the most I’ve written all week. Nobody says I have to post every week. I say that. I started out 3 times a week and soon when to twice a week. I would like to keep it at least twice a week. I still have a host of ideas on my Windows Sticky Notes on my desktop but it is so daunting to look at right now. I still have 1 planned for Sunday but I have to make myself sit down and write. If I can get started it will be easy. 20 minutes tops. It is another true story so it should roll off my fingers.
(Oh yeah) I finally shaved that nasty beard I have been growing since last Halloween. I bought my first selfie stick to get an honest assessment on how it looked. OMG! I can’t believe I was walking around like that. I didn’t know. (people were telling me I looked good) I think I looked like I was 70 years old. I took a before picture and immediately shaved my face. Then I took an after picture and sent it to my daughter and her mom. My daughter didn’t notice I shaved and asked me why I owned a selfie stick? I don’t know why but I look better in my bathroom mirror somehow. Once I saw the picture on my camera I was horrified. That is the longest length of time I have gone with facial hair and it was only 4 months.
I’m doing pretty well this morning. It is taking a concerted effort to keep myself calm and write all of this. I am going to see my daughter tomorrow whether she likes it or not. It has been too long for me. I will just show up at her house and hang with the dogs if I have to do that.