Stupified

Heart colored pencils

I haven’t tried to hook up with anyone online since November. I wasn’t even trying to hook up in February when someone from forever ago looked me up. I wasn’t going to last night because it was late night at the end of the weekend and the chance of meeting someone was zero.

A___ came over Saturday and it was good but she wanted me to finish before I was ready because she had to go home. Usually after I see her I don’t think about sex for a week but I was all charged up. It didn’t matter, there was nothing I could do about it. That part of my brain that causes a sex binge clicked on.

I still wasn’t going to do anything, like I said, Sunday night. But I had the impulse and decided to go online. If I hadn’t followed that impulse at that exact moment none of this would have happened. Within 10 minutes I was talking to a woman and got her number and texted until about 2 in the morning. Not only did I talk to someone when the chances were nil, she lives about 20 minutes away but she spends 2 hours every afternoon in my little town with nothing to do. We made plans to meet today.

Today came and we texted in the morning while we waited for the afternoon. She came across great in writing and I came across great in writing but when she showed up, boom! We are both schizophrenics! She didn’t tell me she was diagnosed, that is just my personal blanket diagnosis when I meet someone who acts and does exactly like me. JFC… How do I meet people like this so many times? Was she wondering the same thing. It does happen all the time to me. I bet I have been friends with more schizophrenics than anyone and I never joined a support group or anything.

Needless to say we made each other both nervous. From downstairs, up the elevator, down the hall and into my living room she was on her phone. Texting, showing me pictures from her home security cam, showing me pictures of her deer hunting cams. This little tiny girl not even 5 feet tall likes killing deer so much she sets out cameras in the woods to track them. She was on her phone telling me three things at once and one of them was this person keeps texting but as long as she texts back it is fine. So she texted back.

We were in my room and she was acting really nervous but she took off her clothes and got into my bed first so I did the same. I thought it was time but she turned away from me and went to her phone. That was weird but she turned open towards me again. Okay. Then back to her phone. I felt weird and my brain kicked into overdrive. Does she even want to be here? Is she only going to text? Am I making her do something she doesn’t want to do? I don’t want to do that. If she doesn’t want to do anything why is she lying open in front of me in a position to start doing something? My brain won’t stop asking stupid questions. Of course she wants to do something. At this point it would be weird if I didn’t reach out and touch her. She was either going to pull away or not and she didn’t so it started to go well.

Then she turned completely away to her phone again and I’m like, are we done? What just happened. And she pushed her back against me and we started again but my mind still won’t stop with all the questions from before. Does she want to leave? But also, Of course she doesn’t want to leave. We are really going at it and both having a great time. It’s not like in the movies. There is a certain noise and she is making that noise, making that noise and making more of that noise. Suddenly she’s not making any noise because she can’t breath for a few seconds. She made the ugly face too. The face you can only make if you have ugly face orgasms. All the signs of someone really enjoying themselves so why do I keep wondering if she is enjoying herself?

I’m calling myself stupid because I can’t get all these thoughts out of my head. But I’m also really enjoying myself. Like, we were having great sex but I couldn’t realize it. Then I couldn’t support myself anymore and was sweating from doing all the work so I backed off for a second. I think she thought I was done. She went to the edge of the bed and grabbed her phone again. She said she had to keep texting but I didn’t know she meant constantly. She stopped and started telling me stories about people I had no idea who they are. She didn’t have any of the nervousness from before. I guess she was done because she thought I was done but I wasn’t done but it was too late because we were in wrap up time. I thought it was too soon to be done.

She was definitely manic sitting on the edge of the bed putting on her clothes, telling me stories, texting, showing me the deer camera, is that a coyote? It’s too big to be a fox. All at the same time. I’m confused, My mind is still stuck on earlier time even though she is relaxed now. We are definitely done. I don’t want to be done but it is tough when one of you is fully dressed. I got dressed and brought her down to her truck. My building is huge and people get lost. Everything looks the same.

We were talking pleasantly for a few in the parking lot and she said, so, I guess I’ll message you. I didn’t get a good feeling about that and she left. I still had the question of did she enjoy herself. Yes, she did part of the time but was the whole experience enjoyable overall? I waited a while and couldn’t help myself, I texted, thanks for coming by, I liked you. She said she had a good time and I said me too. Then I deleted her number from my phone and deleted the emails where she gave me her number. I don’t want to be tempted to be stupid one night and bother her if she doesn’t want to be bothered by me. I have a feeling she will contact me again. I don’t go very long without having another schizophrenic in my life.

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