I can’t get off the fucking clock. The night before I was going to see my daughter my eyes popped open and I thought it was time to wake up. I pushed the button to illuminate my watch and it was midnight. I had only slept an hour. I was wide awake but it would be trouble if I got up. I wasn’t worried. I thought I would get back to sleep easily. I didn’t turn on the tv. I forced myself to lie there. Finally I gave up and looked at the time again. 4:45am.
Close enough. I said I would prove to myself this was all my imagination. It’s the coffee making me hyper. I made some and took my first sip at 5. I also started making lentils. Cooking and eating lentils takes about an hour. It is mostly setting the timer on the stove to cook and setting it again to let them cool off. I wanted to time it so I could eat before I took my meds at 6. It all went according to schedule . I sat down and said, See, it’s the fucking coffee! I picked up my cup which was almost full and took a sip. It was cold! It was 6:20am. I should have easily had 2 cups by then. What the fuck was I doing for the past hour and a half? And why was my mind racing when I haven’t had any caffeine in at least 20 hours?
It started working about an hour before she got here. That was good. I still had to chew on my tongue for a couple hours. She is a great driver for the short time she’s been doing it. She got lucky with that car. It’s a 2005 BMW but it looks and drives like new. She really likes to drive. I will probably never see her again after she gets her license. She still hasn’t been on an interstate highway. I don’t think I want to be in the car the first time she does.
Last night I was back to thinking I don’t need all these medications. Until I was still awake at 4am. I gave up and took a trazadone for sleep. I woke up at 8am and started the lentils and took my anti manic at 9. (Still on the clock) Yesterday was not a typical day. Today is more like it. I wake up feeling fine and decompensate later.
I only remember all these exact times because I wrote everything down as I did it. I’ve been using my day planner to keep notes. I know I’m being hyper-vigilant about this but it has been a few weeks since my mind has intensified. I feel confident I will have a better day. I haven’t had a day where I was afraid I couldn’t handle this myself since a week ago Saturday.
I’m only getting granular about this because every day is different and usually by now I would be going 24/7. I figured out when I last had a panic attack. It was 8 years ago when I last told someone about it. I remember because it was when I first moved down here and they gave me a nurse practitioner. I told him I was having 6 hour panic attacks. He said, Panic attacks don’t last that long and dismissed it. What should I call it? Panic 2.0? SuperAnxiety?
This is stupid. I keep hearing a voice telling me I don’t need the medications. That makes no sense at all but I still want to listen. At least I’m not drinking or taking street drugs. That usually gets me off my medications. That would make everything a total mess. I can binge for about 4 days with no food or sleep before I fuck up somewhere.
It’s 10 am and I still feel good. I don’t know if taking the med in the morning is making a difference. This is only the second day. Like the magic 8 ball says,”Too early to tell.”
“You’re not as messed up as you think you are
Your self absorption makes you messier
Just settle down and you would feel a whole lot better
Deep down your just like everybody else”
“Reasons not to be an idiot” Frank Turner