Monday, the 14th day of June: Tomorrow is the last day of school for my daughter. Next week it her 16th birthday. It goes by so fast. There were some extra people at her house yesterday. It was hot so we went on the beach. It was my first time this year. I didn’t go in the water. Too cold. We were all having a good time until the earwigs started crawling on people. I guess they made a nest in the beach chairs this spring. Gross. Now we might have to burn the chairs.
Wednesday: I am still talking about last Sunday. I knew my cousin in law would be there with her 2 kids. I like them all and I was happy to see them. I haven’t seen K____ in a couple years. I will always remember her as a toddler. I am blown away that she is in college now. How did 20 years go by so fast. She spent a lot of time at our house when she was a toddler. She was fascinated by me. Her eyes would follow me everywhere. When she got old enough to talk she would ask me to sit next to her at dinner and slide a chair next to me. Then my daughter was born and she got jealous. She would wait until she thought nobody was watching and knock my daughter to the floor. I met her mom shortly after I met my wife. We are maybe 15 years apart in age. Her son is in grade school and is very shy but he always smiles and waves when I say hi.
Thursday: I talked to my doctor yesterday on the phone. I yelled at him asking, Did you seriously tell me to take Benadryl for my leg pain? And told him what happened. He stopped me halfway through, wait a minute, wait a minute. We decided against that and you were going to raise your dose of benztropine and see if that worked. I was completely confused because after my Benadryl blackout I went online and figured out I wasn’t taking an effective dose of benztropine myself and made the change. I had no memory of the two of us talking about it! I was even more confused because why would I hang up the phone and walk to the store for Benadryl (which I hate) when I had plenty of benztropine sitting right there in my bedroom and I wasn’t against taking it?
It doesn’t matter. I took it myself and waited the 3 days for it to build up in my system and on the 4th day my legs didn’t hurt. But… I couldn’t go to the bathroom. I knew exactly what it was because I had the same reaction to a med before. I gave it a few days and still nothing. This is never a problem for me. I decided to give it a week. A couple days later my legs started hurting worse than ever. Fuck that, I’m not adding side effects to my regimen and I ceased the benztropine. The next day 6 days worth of food and drink came out of me!
He asked if I wanted him to read his notes and I said no, I believe you but I cannot understand why I did that with no memory of our conversation. I’m baffled. I am really out of options when it comes to anti-psychotics. I have been on all of them almost. I feel trapped.
Friday: Oh, don’t drink, they say. We got meds that’ll fuck you up way more than alcohol. I never took my meds consistently for long periods of time. If I didn’t like something, that was the end of it. I would fuck up sometimes and know I have to get back on them but it was up to me if I felt better. These past 2 years they been up my ass about, “Don’t miss a dose” , ” Are you taking your meds?” Every time I talk to someone. I don’t know, I was thinking, My brain is pretty fucked up, I’ll listen to tthem. So I’m going along not missing a dose. Finally I figured out the Sapphris was fucking me up and stopped taking it. The next day, all this horrible shit stopped. Sapphris started the akathisia. It was much worse then but I didn’t notice cause I was concerned with the uncontrollable rage I had every day. The drug was fucking up my brain and I couldn’t make simple connections. I knew I needed 8 hours after a dose for the roid rage and the leg thrashing to go away but couldn’t do the math, you know? The day after I stopped, I’m thinking, what the fuck? Am I stupid? But why would I call my psychiatrist because my legs hurt? Wouldn’t you call your physician?
Now my doctor talking about paradoxical reactions. Yeah, no shit! They list a ton of side effects but none of them said I would turn into the incredible hulk and want to destroy every morning. I didn’t get a chance to tell him I’m quitting it. So I did it myself. Then the Trazadone. You go in the behavioral health unit and everyone gets trazadone every night. Doesn’t matter if you been prescribed or not. You are now. They want every one in bed and quiet all night. I’m the only one not sleeping. Lying there waiting for first light. Slipping down to the nurses station at 5am. “Can I get some coffee, please?” “Okay, but don’t make any noise”, I kicked the trazadone a few months ago and I”ve been sleeping 7 hours a night. I couldn’t dream of that before. I fall asleep without any aid unless the akathisia keeps me up. Fucking paradoxical effects. I thought it went away with the Sapphris but I was just sleeping through my legs jumping. Oh, don’t miss a dose… Are you taking all your meds?
Daughter’s 16 birthday next week. I don’t know if I fucked up by ordering a flower arrangement. Getting delivered the day before in case she gets embarrassed, I don’t want anyone to be there. She has never been into “girl” things. She started picking her own clothes in kindergarten. It was all pants and sneakers. She would pitch a fit if her mom tried to put a dress on her. When she was 8 I was asking people what to get her for her birthday. They would say get her a doll. A doll? Are you kidding me? If she liked dolls I wouldn’t be asking everyone what to get.
I looked on the florist’s website and saw small set up served in a large, yellow, ceramic coffee cup, shaped and painted like a smiley face emoji. I called and told the guy what I was looking for and asked him what he thought. He picked out the same arrangement. I stressed 3 times, it can’t have any pink flowers in it. She has an issue with the color pink.
I didn’t want to give her cash for her 16 so I asked her mom. N____ said she wants cash, she is saving for a new bass guitar. That makes it easy.