Objectively, my life is going great right now. My biggest problem is my brain trying to talk me out of enjoying myself. I’ve been doing it for the longest time. A few weeks ago I was getting pissed at myself because I have been feeling a lot better lately but I noticed every time I had a positive thought I followed it up with a negative one. It’s not like I’ve never heard of this before but I fired up the google machine and typed in “combat negative self talk.” I already knew I did all that shit. Have a great day but only focus on the one bad thing that happened. They didn’t answer my text yet so they must hate me cause I’m an asshole. etc… Whatever. I’m best at the worst case scenario. My imagination is too good for my own good. Back when I went through that 2 weeks of Anxiety 2.0 I was spinning out of control. The worst was when I couldn’t figure out the reason something happened. Oh yeah, I could imagine all kinds of bad reasons.
I didn’t need to google it though. I realized I was already doing the right things. They just weren’t working because I never had anxiety that bad and whenever something didn’t work the anxiety got worse. What worked the best was thinking, it’s only anxiety. What are you going to do? Check yourself into the hospital for anxiety? Come on. It can’t last forever. What if…? I had to shut the “What if’s?’ right fucking down.
One funny technique I read about which I realized I have been doing for years is talking about it in the third person. I do that all the time. “Dude, you’re fucking whacked! You have to settle down and chill the fuck out… None of this fucked up shit is ever going to happen.” My imagination is so realistic and convincing though. “Dude, every time you been freaking out about the worst thing happening, it’s been turning out to be great. Better than you ever expected.” But What if?… “Shove that what if right up your ass!”
I still have anxiety now. Everybody does. Now it is based in reality. Mostly. I think I have been doing a good job discerning. The most worrisome is the tinnitus. That is a what if that is based in reality. It is possible that it could last forever. It has gotten better though. Sometimes it will disappear for part of the day. It is definitely very annoying this morning but it hasn’t interfered with anything I want to do. If it gets to be too much all I have to do is go outside for a walk or a bike ride and I can’t notice it.
My daughter has me penciled in for lunch tomorrow! She has been on the go since she got her license and a job. I am feeling rather special! I don’t know where we are going. I really don’t care. She is so excited still. She opened a bank account a couple weeks ago and she practically shoved me out of the way so she could use her debit card for the first time to pay.
A few months ago I was ready to blow up my spot. I had to get my priorities straight. My daughter, her mom, her family and my mom. Fuck all these other chumps that are causing me grief! I have to focus who is important to me and if I don’t take care of myself first, I can’t help anybody else.