I can’t sleep and technically it’s Wednesday, 2am EST. Time for another journal post. Yesterday, I did it again. I’ve been doing it every nice day for the whole summer. I wake up in the morning no problem. Put on some coffee, start cooking lentils, start sipping coffee. I text my mom because she is the only one I know who is awake and she spends as much time alone as I do. It makes her happy. She is funny. I asked her how she is doing and she said, Awesome! Your brother went back to work today. He had an 8 day vacation. He was making me miserable! Around 8am I text something to my daughter for her to wake up to and I hope she likes. I text her mom something positive because she is depressed as fuck. She can’t work but they won’t approve her for disability. They tell her to suck it up and get a job. I was surprised she was awake so I copy and pasted my mom’s text and sent it to her. hahaha. I told my mom it was party time and she sent me back a giphy of an old woman doing that happy dance where you swing your arms and your hips go left and right. I sent a copy of that to N____.
I asked my mom if my brother went on one of his week long solo bass fishing retreats? (He won’t reveal his secret honey holes, somewhere in the deep woods where he pitches a tent, starts a fire and drinks beer and smokes dope for a week. He usually drops his phone out of his kayak into the lake trying to take a picture of the bass he caught to post on Facebook. He does catch some big fish… I guess?) She said no, not this time. Two months ago he had a 10 day vacation and stayed home. She quit smoking that week. Said she almost couldn’t take it. She quit smoking after 50 non stop years! I told N____ my brother really is a miserable cunt. She knows.
Then my thing kicked in. My thing was where can I buy a pair of shorts out of season? I wore holes in the bottoms of my sneakers, and my one belt shit the bed so my pants fall down. (I lost a lot of weight but I can’t go down a pant size because everything else gets tighter.) Doesn’t matter I know where to get a belt. My mom thinks she is the only one who has heard of Google so she texts me results right after I look them up and I tell her but she doesn’t get it so she wont stop because she is so into it.
Coffee is gone, ate the lentils, an apple, an orange. A couple three hours have gone by and now I start to freak out. It’s only 11am but I think I’ve wasted the whole day. I gotta get going! Why? I only have to walk a mile, go into the store and walk home. The whole point of walking is it is so fucking nice out I want it to take as long as possible. If I was in a hurry, I could take my bike. I can’t stop myself. I’m out the door. Halfway down the street the side walk was covered with some kind of four foot tall weeds that weren’t there last week. I brushed through them got across the big intersection, looked down and I was covered in fluorescent green pollen?
Into the Goodwill store. They won’t have shorts. Winter is coming. People will donate warm clothes. There it is… Four long racks of long pants. But, there in front of me is one pair of shorts. My style, my size, eight bucks. Something is going on here… Okay? Meanwhile at Walmart, it is winter seasonal. I guess I could use a pair of jeans. Levi’s, 20 bucks, 4 shelves packed. Only one pair in my size. That’s good. I only need one pair. The belts are right over there. Millions of them hung on millions of long metal hooks/rods. They all have a plastic hanger with a number on it. The size, right? Who the fuck is shopping at Walmart? 48? 55? 56? No organization. Just jumbles of numbers. I don’t care what the belt looks like, I just want it to be black. One tag, 36… That’s my size, right? No… You don’t buy belts in your pant size. It’s different. What is it. I never buy belts. Fuck it, 36, that’s my number. It’s black, its mine. I gotta get outta here. I don’t want to use the self checkout because I don’t want them to think I’m stealing the shorts I bought at Goodwill. There is a real person! nice… I bought these at Goodwill, they don’t give out bags, can you just put them in with the other stuff? She won’t do it… ??? Spins the turnstile toward me and I have to put the shorts in the bag. I bought an energy drink because it was called “Bang”. I thought it was funny. That got it’s own bag? Got home, everything worked! Success!
I was all jacked up because the day before the forecast said rain all day. But no, 85 and sunny! I gotta get on my bike and go. No. This is what I do every time. I rush out the door and I can only ride so long and I get home way to early. I’ll try to wait till four. It’s going to stay this hot until after the sun goes down. Screw with the computer. Time to get ready. Go slow. Don’t forget anything. Eat something. I bought five peaches the other day, now three left all ripe at the same time. Poor me I have to eat two peaches. Yum!
Pack my bag. Don’t forget the keys to success. My keys, my wallet, phone, mask. Three bottles of water. Put my rain jacket in there. They said rain but I doubt it. Even remembered sunscreen on my face. I am hitting all the right notes! Out the door, It’s a furnace! I love it. Go my usual route and how the hell did I get down here so fast? Phht! My tire went flat! Come on, man. I got a small hand pump. I can hear the air coming out as soon as I put it in. It’s shit. I’m not too far away from my daughter’s house. I just gotta get up to the end of the breaker wall so I’m at a landmark. I text N____. 911… What up? Flat tire about a mile from you. I’m home without a car. I can walk, it will take me about a half hour, is that okay? I’ll get an Uber home.
I needed some shade. The concrete breaker wall is concave on the ocean side and blocked the sun. I sat on a flat rock and pulled out a water. Some old drunk dude comes walking around the corner. Mind if I light up a joint? Go ahead, I can’t smoke but I don’t really give a fuck what you do. I lost 200 bucks at the casino… I won 5 so I broke even. ??? I retired when I was 40, 17 years ago. Okay, so he’s 57. I worked hard, 7 days a week. I been growin weed since they made it legal. Made 12,000 last year. You know where Winchenden is? No, I heard of it but I dont know where it is. Way up north, in the middle of nowhere. I bought a house in 1989 for 50 grand, it’s worth half a million now.
He kept repeating himself. The numbers changed every time. Kept getting bigger but somehow he still owes more on the house than it is worth? He only sells weed to his neighbor. A bag every other week? How much is his neighbor paying him for a bag? If he’s so rich what is he doing down here in slumtown playing five dollar tables in the casino? Sorry dude, I gotta long walk, nice talking to you.
My negative thinking kicked in but I’ve been practicing on my own. It’s a flat tire, you been fixing your bikes since you were 6. In a few minutes you are going to be there. It’s not the end of the world. The fuck? Remember all the horrible shit you been imagining? And when the time comes it all works out better than you could even wish? Life has been going fantastic for a couple months. You can’t even remember half the horrible shit you thought you were worried about. You could be stranded 20 miles from here. All you gotta do is walk a few minutes. You are halfway there already.
I don’t know how I got so good at that so quickly. And why have none of my therapists ever worked on that with me. It’s obviously a huge problem for me. It’s a huge problem for a lot of people. My biggest problem was it was the end of the world. I can’t get anywhere without my bike. How am I gonna get it fixed. I can’t push it ten miles home? I got there. Sox was home. He’s got a small air compressor in the shed. He filled up the tire. It emptied. Yep, It’s flat. My bike is a commuter with tall thin tires. It needs an odd size tube. I don’t know where they sell them. They got bikes at the house but none of them are in any condition. He says wait a minute. Pulls the tube out of one of the mountain bikes. I don’t think that will work. My tire is two inches taller and way thin. He started wrapping that fat ass tube around the rim and it fit! No fucking way. We put the tire over it. It’s not working. Wait, yes it is. Turn the compressor on. Fixed! No way that should work.
I rode it around the block and it held air. I guess I’m gonna try to make it home. Sox was standing there and I said I wanted to thank him, but not for fixing my tire. I wanted to thank him for being so good to my daughter all these years but especially now. I’ve been thinking about it. Since she got her license. I have never seen her so happy. I was so happy for her I cried. He had to leave to bring a kid back home. I told Nicole, She said I already said that to him. I said I know but it was years ago and I was shitfaced. I’ve been meaning to ask for his number cause I never see him. Now I have his number.
I pedaled the short way home. The first mile I worried about every change of feeling. Then I forgot all about it. I knew I was going to make it home. I did. I got to my door at sunset. Texted I made it and thanks again. See? Shit worked out again. I have the original tube but we couldn’t find the leak. Today I might put it in some soapy water. Should probably have the right one in there. A couple weeks ago I cleaned a bunch of shit out of my closet and found the tire patch kit that came with the small pump. I forgot I even had it. First thing I did was order a self sealing replacement tube. I don’t know why I never bought one. I know tires go flat.
Gonna be 90 today. Hotter than yesterday. I still want to ride down to the seashell and listen to music and watch the fireworks. I got all day to screw around with the tubes. I think I can make it as is but afraid the bigger tube could pop the tire off the rim if I hit something with pressure. Still solid now. I can only walk three miles an hour and the beach is ten miles. I don’t think so. I’m doing something. Labor Day is less than two weeks. End of season. I said I wasn’t going to waste any nice days this summer. A couple nice days coming up.
Almost time to wake up and make coffee. 4am. Twilight zone. Up too late? Up too early? Don’t feel like lying in bed wide awake. Coffee now schedule would start way too fast. I don’t know what to do. Besides everything at once. Maybe my mom will be up. My brother makes her stay in bed until he wakes up for work. If I text her in the middle of the night and she doesn’t have her phone on mute, he yells at her. He really is a miserable cunt.