No Dogs Allowed

Robot Brain

“Going off the rails on a crazy train!” Ozzy.

You know that movie, “Lost Weekend”? Sometimes I recreate it. I thought I was doing pretty well for a while. But I remember making all these plans for drinking. Not specifically but I live in a tourist area and the main events are partying your tits off! When I looked for events to attend, the main activity was drinking. I started with Google and that was shit. I remembered meetup.com. It sounded like a good idea. I put in my interests and they suggested groups. They all centered around drinking. I searched, “Sober activities,” Nothing came up? I call bullshit on the percentage of alcoholics in the USA. It is reported as ridiculously low! There are like 10,000 bars in my tiny state. When I go to a bar, rarely do I see anyone have 2 drinks. ( social drinker) Most people have 5 or more, which is a binge drinker. That is a problem. Friday night everyone was drinking the same as me… A lot.

Whatever. I have surreptitiously been planning on drinking even without my knowledge. A week ago on meetup, the entire event seemed a mess and I changed my mind and didn’t go. They seem like a group of people who all go out together several times a week. I don’t want to be the new guy with whatever my problems are.

This weekend, Labor Day. There were two groups going to a large dance bar. At this point I am going to go out and dance. One group was private and there ‘What we’re about’ spiel started out, MEMBERSHIP IN OUR GROUP IN A PRIVILEGE, NOT AN ENTITLEMENT. Yes, All caps!. After was a long paragraph and a link to “read more”. I clicked and it was a mile long list of rules. fuck them!

Another group was just one woman! Okay? I’m joining her group. She sent me her number and we texted for a bit Friday. The last thing she said, was “You will have a blast!”, I said I think you are right. An hour later she cancelled the event. Then she texted me saying, Sorry, I completely forgot I have a 35 mile bike ride in the morning. (Seriously?) She planned all week to go to a club Friday and never thought, oh, I have to get up a 6am and exert myself? I said, no problem shit happens. Second time this has happened to me in a week. I guess so, I had been debating all day whether I wanted to be stranded by Uber in Salisbury at midnight anyway.

I still wanted to go out though, now that I had it in my head. She cancelled so late I had taken a shower, got dressed and just gotten back from the store with some kind of seltzer women might like to drink. I sat down to text her and my phone beeped first. It was her.

Now I was in a mood. I drank a few of the seltzer drinks. (Pretty high alcohol content) Still no way I was getting stranded by Uber, (For a high population area there is next to zero public transport) I walked to the dumbass bar next door. I thought, watch, it will be all the same people from the last time I was in there 5 years ago. I was correct. Bartender walked up, Pat. I don’t think he remembered my name but I have a distinctive look. Vodka, tonic, I guess?

It was Karaoke night with DJ Dan. JFC! The first person to catch my eye was this kid about 30 wearing an Adidas shirt, looking like the only time he makes it to the gym is “chest day.” Just my luck he is walking my way and there is only one chair next to me. Is that an Adidas sweatshirt hanging on the back of the chair? Yep. And where the hell did he get the Adidas hat? He wasn’t wearing it a minute ago. He started telling me his life story. I guess he is okay and he’s very excited to start singing karaoke. There is a black guy sitting next to him and the kid keeps saying, “I’m not racist, but…” That is as far as I got. Good thing he was hyper and kept getting up to walk around.

Then I noticed I seemed to be the only person in the place that didn’t know everyone else. How do I get these ideas in my head? How do I think they are good ideas? There was only one woman there under sixty. She spent the night making the rounds, smiling, hugging, touching but her boyfriend was this huge motherfucker. I think she was just being innocent because again everyone knew each other.

I was the only one in there being quiet and minding my own business so Pat put a drink down in front of me and said, That’s your last one. It was early and the other bartender just got telling me they sometimes stay open until 1am. Whatever, I’m not one to argue. I looked at the bill, $60, looks like I had 10 drinks. Maybe it was time to go. The General store is right next door and I stopped in for another 12’er of seltzer, they went down pretty easy. I guess I didn’t have enough left at home.

I don’t remember much after that. Bits and pieces. At least I wasn’t out in public, but I did acquire taste for those seltzer. There were 12 empty cans scattered around my bedroom floor. My phone said, 12. Not sure if it was midnight or noon but I was pretty sure it was still Friday, or maybe Saturday? I made my way to the kitchen. There were 4 empty boxes of my new favorite drink. Looking like it must be Sunday and hopefully not Monday. It was dark so I guessed it was midnight. No, I know it’s Tuesday and for some reason my back hurts like a bastard.

That’s how I celebrated the working class holiday.

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