I was originally going to write a post about whether I am depressed or despondent. Technically I believe I am despondent. I did a quick search and they seem interchangeable. I still feel more despondent. (hopeless) \
I have been thinking about this a lot and I said fuck it all! My main concern since this last spring has been my mental health treatment. I developed a severe form of the side effect akathesia from 20 years of antipsychotics. I told my doctor and my case manager multiple times I was skipping doses every other day because I could not take care of myself and it was making me suicidal. My doctor tried the standard protocol, which did not work at all. After that, on July 15th he called me and said, “Your medications are making you worse, It is called the paradoxical effect.. It means..” I interrupted him and said, You mean my whole life had been one big fucking side effect?” He stopped me and asked it I want therapy. I thought, how the hell is therapy going to stop this terrible side effect? I told him, “I don’t know…” He told me to make an appointment in two weeks. I thought, What is going to happen in two weeks? He didn’t make any med changes after what he said.. I need a month to think about this. Maybe I just need some therapy to think about the last 20 years of meds making me worse.
Approximately 2 weeks later I texted my case manager and said, “Jim gave up on me, said, fuck off, find a therapist.” She said, “Seriously?” I said, “Paraphrasing” and repeated what he said. She asked what I wanted to do? New doctor? Therapist? I didn’t think a new doctor would do anything. They all work together and have drinks I imagine. I told my therapist and she said she would put in a referral. I saw her in person and I was ranting but I was asking a serious question, “Can he ethically continue to prescribe a medication he knows is making me worse? I kept repeating the question. She remained silent. That is her way of not lying to me. I changed my mind and told her I wanted to switch doctors. She asked me to talk to him one more time. I met one more time with him and told her again I want to change doctors. She didn’t respond. still don’t know why I was putting all this time and effort and stress and anxiety into forcing myself into taking a medication my doctor said was making me worse and was making me suicidal. I accidentally found magnesium which helped the side effects but not for long. I told him about it and said I think I can tolerate enough doses of the Latuda to safely taper off. He immediately told me he wanted me to double it. I told him truthfully, I am on the lowest dose I have ever been and the only thing that has gotten worse is the akathesia. He started saying he thought I would be “safer” and “More protected” at double the dose. These sounded like threats from my doctor to put me in the hospital and force me to take a medication that is making me suicidal. I agreed to increase the dose.
There is much more to this story but I don’t want to make it public. I want to call a lawyer… Should I? If my doctor wants to keep me “safe”? Why would he continue to prescribe me a med I told him is making me suicidal? I’m not lying to him. I have looked into my state’s mental health lawyers but they want all you personal information and your story before you have a case. They also say you should informally discuss it with your doctor beforehand. I thought I already did that. My best choice which I am against is a cheesy personal injury lawyer. The statute of limitations on psychiatrist malpractice is 3 years in my state. All of this is withing the time frame. There are also special circumstances which exceed the statute of limitations. I think I may fall into that category. I was never hospitalized until after I started these antipsychotics. My doctor also said to me, would you be surprised if I told you I “guessed” you had psychosis during our first appointment. He put me on powerful mind altering super addictive drugs on a guess? Would you call a lawyer?
I may call the sleazy lawyer tomorrow. It may be the only way to be forced injections or indefinite hospitalization in the future.
This is only half the story. Last year I already figured out the “Paradoxical reaction” I just didn’t know it had a name. Every time I quit a medication. I felt better.