I’ll Kick My Own Ass,Thank You

“It’s no surprise to me, I am my own worst enemy
‘Cause every now and then, I kick the living shit out of me
Can we forget about the things I said when I was drunk?
I didn’t mean to call you that”

“My Own Worst Enemy” by Lit

I am so happy I did that YouTube search yesterday. “Alcohol makes everything worse.” It populated with a long list of suggested phrases and quickly narrowed down to only one. Guess what it was? “Alcohol makes everything better.” Not for me. There were actually a lot of videos but one popped out and I clicked on it. It was this dude Sober Leon. He started out standing in front of a white board saying, I’m going to give you a list of 10 simple tips to easily quit drinking!” Yeah right, what’s this guy selling. He is selling his program but he actually did the full video which wasn’t just a tease to make you pay to hear the secret. The first thing on the list was Reframe alcohol. Alcohol is not a good thing. I was like, yes! I know all ten of these things. That is why I type in the phrase. That is what made it so easy for me before. Even when I had that Super Anxiety 2.0, if I thought of drinking, I held my hand up to the imaginary beer bottle and say, “Alcohol makes everything worse.” Less than ten seconds and I wasn’t thinking about it anymore.

The problem was I forgot to say it last month. Well, I was a bit deranged, but a little reminder would have helped. I paused the video and popped open a fresh document and started typing. I need this shit printed and left out in the open. I changed a lot to fit my situation but it was all the same basic principles. Second was, don’t call yourself an alcoholic. It’s a drug like any other, it’s addictive. You are not powerless. You are a powerful person. I thought that is what I don’t like (hate) about AA. They are always talking, Stop throwing yourself a “pity party”. The whole thing is a pity party. The first thing you see when you sit down. “I am powerless”, I was born with this “disease”, it’s incurable, I have to spend the rest of my life in this church basement reliving it or else I will drink again. Fuck that shit! I don’t want to drink for the rest of my life but I want to be sober and live. (Sorry)

The next thing was, Don’t use willpower, it’s not a struggle or resistance or a battle for the rest of your life. That is when I had the hardest times was thinking it as a battle of wills. You never stop thinking about drinking. When I figured out to just tell myself it makes everything worse. I would forget about it. It’s not that easy, I still messed up but I forgot to tell myself. That’s just what works for me.

There was more and of course near the bottom was “Get a coach.” (him) I put a question mark next to that but added, I need to find some type of variation of that. I still don’t know what. I need a therapist anyway and I’m waiting to get one but if I start talking to a regular therapist about drinking they will want to refer me to an alcohol therapist. Most of them are 12 step and want to send you to AA. I don’t have many options for providers in my situation. I have to figure something out. Maybe I just need regular people to hang out with and do normal shit.

Also near the bottom was, Commit. Not 1 week, not 1 month, go all in. I put commit in all caps with an exclamation point! I don’t know why that wasn’t at the top. I was thinking about it all day yesterday. Why is it that every time I look at the word, “commit” I get a twinge of fear? I have quit before and I never put any time limit on it but I never went all in and said, “for the rest of my life.” I had trouble coming up with an answer for that one. Another one on the list was just try to get a tiny bit better each day. I like that one. I don’t have figure it all out right now. I need to stick with the first one and get it back in my head if I drink shit gets worse. I have proved that many times.

This morning I woke up and thought, I’m putting “COMMIT” second on the list. Not that hard, CTRL-X, CTRL-V, change a few numbers. New list. Print. Okay. Funny Aside. I have this weird thing with printing paper and paper towels. I won’t print something unless I absolutely have to do it. And if I’m using a piece of paper to keep notes, phone numbers, etc… I use every available space until it’s just a jumbled up, illegible mess. Same with paper towels. I reuse them. I mean if I wipe up some shit I will throw it away but if I’m just using one as a napkin, I fold it into quarters and flip it and flip it and open it and refold it. I have no idea why. I’m not trying to save the environment. I don’t have much money but I just blew $200 getting drunk for the weekend, am I trying to save 3 cent worth of paper? Whatever. I thought why am Ieaving this list on the table behind me when I’m sitting here at the computer most of the day? Then, wait a minute, Click, “Copies, 2”. Now I have one on my desk, at the table and in my bedroom. I really don’t want to forget this shit.

The next thing I searched was, “Why am I afraid to commit to…” Guess what came up? You’re right, “relationships.” That’s another post. I typed in “quitting drinking”. A lot came up and they all had similar titles about common fears quitting drinking. I picked the first one. I was lucky. It was a blog. She was trying to sell her book but why not? It was a long article with good information along the same lines I think. Then one of the headlines read, “Will I be in recovery for the rest of my life?” I was like, Oh no! She said, “No fucking way!” Thank you! I think the exact same way. I quit smoking 10 years ago. Am I a “recovering smoker?” I don’t think about smoking, I’m not tempted to smoke, It doesn’t bother me when someone smokes around me. Anyway.

I got into trouble this summer because I was getting out of the house as much as I could on purpose. I had the right intentions. I had to stop isolating. I wasn’t thinking about getting drunk. I just wanted to be around people. I thought I was doing great. Every nice day I went out for as long as I could. I took long bike rides. I walked places even if I didn’t need to just so I would be out longer. But I realized, I was still isolating. Sure, I spent hours near the ocean with tons of people around but I never stopped anywhere. I might have well been sitting at home watching a video of someone riding a bike. Not really. I was getting exercise, fresh air and sunshine, but you know. I just didn’t know where to go.

I started to get discouraged when I looked online for places to go. The seacoast is a popular vacation spot so almost everything is geared towards what people do on vacation. Party! I posted about this before. I got on meetup and still found the only places near me were people doing things in bars. Somehow that became a good idea. I’ll start hanging around with people my age partying. Okay. That’s not what I need. I don’t need to hang out with people my age who still have a drinking problem. Next.

Back the same problem. I don’t know where to go. I did another search. I wanted to type, “How do I find sober people.” Of course, up pops, “Sober singles.” What? I didn’t know there were dating sites for sober people. I guess it makes sense. I’d like to get laid I guess. There was a list of about 10 of them. They were mostly pay sites. I’m not doing that. All I wanted to see is if there were actually any people on these sites. There was a “free” one so I clicked. It was “free to join”, of course it’s free to join. I put in my email and town and I joined. You know where this is going, right? Now I can see pictures of women and read there profiles. Let’s see what happens when I click, “Send Message”. It takes me to a page with 5 tiers of paid memberships. 5!!! It was free to join but you can’t do anything. I didn’t read it all, I think the cheapest one was you could “like” people but you still can’t message them. Yeah, that’s going to impress the hell out of them. I’m not going to do it anyway, but then I thought, Why the hell am I even looking at this? The whole idea is to get offline and out into the real world. What am I thinking? I want to sit home all night on the computer getting rejected by sober broads? Next

Something struck me earlier. I’ve known it for a long time but it’s more extensive than I thought. Even when I was going out to bars, almost all the women I attracted weren’t really drinkers. They would drink because they were in a bar but like 2 or 3 drinks in 4 hours. I would get shitfaced. What did they see in me?

I thought about it more this morning. Since I stopped going to bars and started dating online. Of all the women I met, whether hooking up for one night or a couple months or a couple years. I never once drank with any of them. I drink, they might drink but when we were together we were both sober. All of them, all the time. I liked it. Even if I was drinking when I first talked to them online, when I asked them to meet, it was always for coffee. Coffee doesn’t always mean coffee but a lot of time we actually met somewhere and got coffee.

I think I spent 3 years with Amy. She didn’t drink at all. She smoked hella dope though. We spent a lot of time at her place. It was nice, right on the lake. I would take a few hits but it makes me too anxious. She was like a chimney. I like her.

It took me 2 years to find out Jen drank! We hung out a lot, we talked about everything and we had a ton in common but we never mentioned drinking. I thought she was totally straight edge and she thought the same of me. We weren’t hiding it from each other. One night I texted her what was she doing and she said she was splitting a handle with her roommate. I said, you drink?! Then she was shocked that I did too. She drank more than I did and I drank a lot. Weird.

Almost forgot. I read something today about being a perfectionist. I never thought about myself as a perfectionist, I half ass shit all the time but I thought about it and it was me. It’s about if things don’t turn out just right I’m a failure, I’m a loser. That’s why the word commit scares me. If I say I’m going to quit drinking for the rest of my life and I drink again. What does that mean?

The reason I started all this searching yesterday is because I almost fucked it right up again 2 days ago. I went for another walk again for no reason. It was just nice outside. I went a couple miles. I turned onto my drive and I noticed the same 2 guys were still sitting out on the tailgate of their truck since I left earlier. Now there was a woman with them. They were all my age. I didn’t think much of it until I notice the woman looking right at me smiling. I was still pretty far away to be smiling at. I smiled back and kept walking closer. She’s still smiling, I got close and she turned full and stepped a few towards me and said, Nice day for a walk? I said, I love it and stopped to talk for a bit. My brain fucking brain clicked right into gear! I know this scene, all hanging outside doing nothing, these 2 guys got some hard miles on them, she does too, I got some hard miles on me. I’m gonna pick up a few beers and be knee deep in some pussy later tonight! WTF? Good thing I caught myself and broke off the conversation and started walking.

What was I thinking? That is all I need. Hook up with a woman in the building next door and start partying with her and her friends. I would never stop drinking. Now I am afraid to go outside. Not really, I went for another long walk yesterday. That’s why I printed out 3 copies this morning. I need to retrain my brain.

Maybe I will take up bowling.

11 thoughts on “I’ll Kick My Own Ass,Thank You

  1. I haven’t finished reading your entire post, but this thought came to me in the middle of it, when you talk about isolating even though you are around people. The thought is: are you really isolating if you are connecting to yourself, and doing things you love? Does “not isolating” require the participation of others? I know lots of people who have many social connections that are not remotely in touch with their inner life. Just a few thoughts. Now I will re-read and finish. Thanks for sharing this; it’s helpful.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re right. I’m not overly gregarious and I’ve always been fine spending a lot of time alone. I just lost virtually all my face to face contact. I used to spend a day at my daughter’s house until she got her license. I still see her but now she like to pick me up and drive somewhere. So it’s a lot less time spent but it also means I don’t see her family and we all get along, plus they would have company, some times people I’ve known for a long time, sometimes strangers but nice people. I had two women friends for a couple years which suddenly ended at the same time. Doing my own things were making me happy. I had just set an intention to meet 1 or 2 people organically not electronically. Then my mind exploded and I lost track of what I was doing.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s definitely weird/different times. I haven’t seen any of my friends since the beginning of Covid. Some friendships ended. Others are there but contact is infrequent. I’ve made a couple friends through online zoom meetings. Covid’s taught me to be more self-reliant, but I still want/need people other than delivery persons knocking at my door. hahaha. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. My son get all upset with me, says that I spend way too much time home alone. Personally, I like it. I’m bad about if I do go out, I stay to one side and don’t talk to many people. My son will tell me that I should have just stayed home. Exactly, that’s where I wanted to be anyway.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. That is what I am looking for. I used to spend a day a week with my daughter and her family but since she got her license this summer she likes to pick me up and drive somewhere. We all get along great but I’m not sure if it’s weird to still go hang out now that I don’t have the reason of visiting my daughter there?

        Liked by 2 people

      2. You said you get along and that she likes to pick you up and go somewhere. No, it isn’t weird at all. My son is 32, he took me camping in Tennessee and then to the races in Darlington, SC. He could have gotten anyone to go along, but he chose mom. Go and enjoy and worry not.

        Liked by 2 people

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