“Well, there ain’t a man left standing
So let’s all go get a beer”
“Rumble in Brighton” Stray Cats
I saw her on OkStupid around 2am back when it was an actual useful site. I think she was the only other person online at the time. I sent her some stupid message about the Stray Cats because it said she lived in Brighton (Boston). She said, “Who?” I went back and checked her age. She’s young, but not that young… right? “Never mind.” She told me she only answered me because I said I was an atheist. “No I didn’t.”, “It’s on your profile.” Now I had to go check myself. I guess they ask you when you sign up but I didn’t know other people could see it. Maybe I should have checked “Other.”
I asked what was going on in Boston tonight. She said she didn’t know, she’s in Virginia. Okay? What’s going on in Virginia tonight. She said she was at an “Atheist Retreat”. Okay, I’ll bite. What’s that? Apparently it’s where a bunch of people get real drunk and make fun of people who believe in god. That’s pretty hardcore. I like the get real drunk part but I don’t care who you believe in. Sounds as religious as the religions you make fun of. I’m more like Atheist 2.0. Yeah, There’s no god. So what?
I said it must be a great time if she’s on her phone talking to some dude back in NH. Yeah, most of them are passed out. Lightweights. I made some jokes and she made some back. Oh good at least we weren’t going to talk about god all night. We kept each other laughing for a couple hours, then I figure she passed out. I don’t know. I didn’t care. I forgot about it.
The next week I got a message with her phone number. I’m trying to figure out who the hell she was. Oh yeah, Brighton. I texted her. I got nothing going on. she really did live in Brighton. I told her I can’t get there anyway, so… She said she didn’t care, she thought I was funny. She was funny too. Okay.
I think we texted about a week. Not too much. She was good to talk to but she kept putting herself down. Not in a self deprecating humor kind of way. She was being serious. I don’t know what to say. Is she fishing for compliments? Am I supposed to make her feel better? I don’t even know this chick. I got my own fucking problems, I can’t be your emotional support human.
I think it was next Friday afternoon. She said she’s at a bar. I thought she was a fun drunk but now she was getting depressing. I didn’t know how long am I supposed to talk to someone I’m never going to meet? She started bitching about never having any money. I said, what do you expect? You’re fucking working at Newbury Comics to pay $3000 a month for a shithole studio apartment in the city and eating $20 sandwiches from Whole Foods on your lunch break. I can’t afford to be a hipster either. I guess she thought that was really funny? Later on she texted me a picture. Of course you’re drinking 10 dollar cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon at a “Dive” Bar. You’re too fucking funny.
She texted me again later. Not too late. Around ten. I want you to come see me. You are fucking drunk. How am I supposed to get to Boston? She looked up the friggin’ train schedule and map! She told me the station is only 5 miles away from my house. Whaa??? It’s only $60. Okay, I’ll just call a cab and hop on the train. She kept on about it. There’s no way. Even if I did I’ll end up lost on the streets Boston. Or I’ll be banging on your door and you’ll be passed out drunk. Then she started, if you really liked me you would do it. She was serious! I’m thinking, what is this chick? 12 years old? She kept going. You’re high. Like you? I don’t even fucking know you. I told her to leave the door unlocked I’ll be down in a couple hours. Christ, we only texted for a week, it’s not like I was making overtures.
She didn’t text me the next day. God, I’m glad that’s over. And women won’t talk to me when I tell them why I’m on disability?
Next Friday…. Oh no, it’s not over. My phone buzzed. Are you ready to apologize? I don’t know what the fuck is going on… For what? She told me… She was fucking serious! I give up. Okay, I’m sorry, let me make it up to you. Just come up here and see me. You know I can’t. Yes you can. I’m working tonight. So, take the night off. I can’t. Yes you can. Just take the T to the bus station. I’ll pay for your ticket. I can’t do it. If you really liked me you would.
Now it was over.