I woke up and I was going to write about my day before it started. Nothing happened. I had a pretty rough go at today but again some unexpected synchronicity. I was thinking last night I was grieving over my family. No, I was just thinking about it and feeling sad. It wasn’t until today I remembered what grief feels like.
N___ stopped by in the morning to drop off some mail. I hadn’t seen her for a few weeks and I was excited to tell her all the crazy stuff happening to me. Mostly the strange vegetable cravings my mind was giving me. I told her about the Frank Turner coincidence and how fucked up I got on Labor Day. The noise complaint I got. It wasn’t about loud music or partying. It was about screaming and banging on walls/floors. I don’t remember any of it but I know exactly what was going on. I can’t believe nobody called the cops.
She didn’t say anything today. I don’t know if she remembers but I remember. Last spring we were talking and she got pissed and told me I better stop fucking around or I would end up binge drinking again or head to the bin. She was right. It was fun. I was revving and trying to tell everything in 5 minutes. I kept losing track and backing up. I missed a lot but I got the main points. I told her about my realization of being a perfectionist and it’s connection to why I drink. She knew what I was talking about. It was good. We sat in her car for about half hour talking.
She got home and sent me a text. “Look what my friend sent me while you and I were talking earlier.” It was a picture of a religious writing titled “Freedom from Perfectionism” explaining god didn’t expect us to be perfect. I told her I didn’t get a chance to tell you about synchronicity, you would have thought I was crazy! “Weird”, she said.
I was feeling pretty good and came back inside to start my morning again. I started reading blogs until I was stopped dead by my fellow blogger, Daphny. All I remember is, “Two good people aren’t necessarily good for each other.” That hit hard. That is the trouble with N___ and I. That’s why we were only married for 4 years. That’s why it hurts so bad. We still love each other 15 years later. I don’t mean we are secretly hoping to get back together. We never entertained that. I mean… I don’t know what I mean.
That’s why I never got close to anyone. I’m not afraid of being hurt. I don’t want to hurt anyone.
I started crying. That is when I remembered what grief feels like. I thought I was over it. It’s been at least 5 years since I felt it. I haven’t been suppressing it. It’s not feeling sorry for myself, blaming myself, or talking shit. There are no words, no thoughts. It’s pain. And it fucking hurts. Pain. Mental and physical. My body is still sore. It’s midnight. fuck it’s starting again.
My fucking cat. He knows. I crumpled up in bed and when I opened my eyes he was right in my face. I touched him and he got up and started walking over me from one side to the other. He never walks on me. He kept doing it until I finally fell asleep.
I can’t believe I didn’t get drunk. I wanted to. Who knows where I would end up? I still can’t believe it. I just wanted to give up. I really wanted to give up.
Then it’s 5. Now what. No way am I getting back to sleep. Fuck it, the only reason I started doing those groups online Saturday was because they are CBT based and I still wasn’t going to do it. I need some kind of fucking therapy. logged in but kept my camera off and listened to music. It would kill an hour and a half It was a meeting where they let the people choose the topics. The first one was stupid and I was just going to log off but I tapped the “raise your hand” emoji instead. What the fuck am I doing? I clicked it back off. I don’t want to tell my life story to these people.
The woman, said, hey, did you have a topic? I ignored her and she asked me again. I said, Dealing with grief. She asked me more. I said, sorry I wasn’t going to say it because I read some of your website and I can probably use some of what was there. She put it on the list. Great.
They spent half the meeting talking to me. There’s fucking 200 people there. I didn’t talk about what was on my mind. Luckily a lot of other people wanted to relate their stories. I said I was new so that changed the subject and I felt comfortable talking about that. She was pretty impressed with how insightful I am. Well, I’ve been drinking for a long time. I told her about that kid saying he had a problem with their advice, turning that voice in his head telling him to use into an enemy and fighting with it. He said that voice is me, I have to show a little compassion for me.
That is the best thing I have heard. That is my problem. When I think about it as the other trying to talk me into getting fucked up. I used to trash myself. What are you stupid? What the fuck’s wrong with you? etc… Then I feel more like a piece of shit and and get fucked up anyway. I think it is much easier now. I think that’s why I did’t fuck up today. Whenever something popped into my head, I was, like, look, you know how that’ going to turn out. It’s not going to make anything better. Maybe for a few hours but then what? It will get much worse.
I did have some synchronicities today. I remember when I joined Meetup. The last thing I thought I would be doing was meditating with strangers online. I could not picture it. I was not going to do it at all today. On impulse, I clicked and caught on 2 minutes before it started. It was the best one! No crazy mystical shit. Basic mindfulness but the meditating part was only 10 minutes. We spent an hour shooting the shit. He was explaining what they did in the group but not too strict. He said the topic was “Embracing Change”. I went off telling him about all my crazy coincidences and this was another one. I had two major life changes recently, plus I was making efforts to change my life. If I didn’t jump up and hit the button when I did I’d still be stuck with the fucking Krishnas.
A few days ago there was a mix up and I missed one and a women sent me the link. I forgot I had joined one at 8pm tonight. Now you know I can’t miss that. It was fucking great! Me and 3 broads. They were all normal. No strict rules. They all know each other, shooting the shit. All asking me questions, who am i? where I’m from? Oh nice, my brother used to live in Boston and moved to NH. Then another simple meditation. She was guiding it. I don’t remember anything she said, except every couple minutes reminded you to pay attention to your breath.
It’s good too because I logged in early and it was just me and the woman who runs the group. I told her I was just trying to find new things that I like and I’m not learning anything watching the same videos on YouTube. I thought I offended her by saying I’m not spiritual but it doesn’t matter to me because half the time I don’t listen to what they are saying. It’s about the process of staying still and breathing. I lose track of guided meditation half the time it’s playing, it doesn’t make it any less effective.
What else was I going to do? Sit here and cry all night?