Writer’s Block???

“Loaded like a freight train
Flyin’ like an aeroplane
Feelin’ like a space brain
One more time tonight (look out)…”

“Nighttrain” Guns ‘N’ Roses

I’ve been sleeping about 2 hours a night for a couple months. When left to my own devices I wake up at 10 minutes til 4. It happened again this morning. My eyes popped open, (somehow my cat knows and jumps onto the bed next to my head, like he’s been waiting; it’s not feeding time) I rolled over, hit the button on my phone, (saying please, let it be 6am) 3:50am exactly. Time to wake up! I don’t set my alarm. I don’t have any place to be. I’m not sleep deprived. What the fuck am I doing?

I’m not dying to have that first cup of coffee. In fact, that’s another story in itself. I used to chug 2 full pots of coffee by myself, every day. Without question. Well, there was a question. I would think about cutting down. Once I did quit but I quickly went back up to one full pot. I don’t know exactly when but I started filling the pot to the number 8 line. No, that is not 8 cups. I think it is 6 ounces measure. This spring I consciously tried to cut it down to the number 4 but if I did, I invariably made 4 more. 2 regular size ceramic coffee mugs. Okay, this is getting picayune. Now, the last thing I’m thinking about is quitting but I did it again this morning. I filled it up to 4, brewed it, took 2 sips and dumped all that shit down the drain! Again! When I wake up I really feel like I want that coffee but now I know I’m wasting my time. Cook the fuck out of those lentils, though.

But why 3:50? This morning I thought it might be the tinnitus. But it has been at low volume lately. Today it is blasting but I figured that out in a New York minute last night. Cheese! It is the only thing new I had and I had more than usual because I was surprised to find it. My head was ringing! I did a quick search and sure enough. Something to do with the fats in dairy. At least I figured it out the first night. I couldn’t figure out what was going on with the bananas. Why was my mom pushing those on me? Why the hell is my tinnitus back strong? It took me about 3 weeks to figure out what was new. But I already had it figured out anything that raises my serotonin a lot increases the ringing in my ears. I was going to wait 2 more days. But I threw those shits in the trash. That was obvious the first and only time I tried glycine. That was horrible! That is how it feels now with the cheese.

When the tinnitus started and also the incessant music in the left side of my brain. (TD) That would drive me crazy. That would force me to wake up. They were both so insistent. The music was the worst. The longer I let the same song stick in my head. The faster and louder it got. Until I figured out the trick of listening to mellow grooves or even easy listening. Anything slow with no lyrics. Today, I feel safe listening to Appetite for Destruction but I am sticking close to YouTube. It used to be the last song I heard. It still is but I can ignore it sometimes. But the synchronized movements of my lips and breath seem to be going away. (I think the gingko is helping, I just hope I”m not overdosing on it.) Today I am going to try cutting the magnesium in half. Strangely it is supposed to reduce tinnitus but the tinnitus started when I began large amounts of magnesium for the akathisia. (increases serotonin) But I’m not sure I need it for the akathisia any longer. I hope not.

Oh yeah? What am I doing waking up before 4 though? It’s not like I live in the city that never sleeps. All this town does is sleep, and if it doesn’t the cops will pull it over. I like writing but I have all day to write. I’ve been writing since I woke up and nothing has happened yet.

Fuck, my feet are tapping now. It sucks not knowing if I am in control of my movements. Maybe it is the music. I haven’t listened to a full album of rock for a long time. Switching back to the easy stuff. I usually take all this crap when I first wake up. I’m just trying to see what’s what.

Writing. I think I wrote a quick blog post last night. I need a good subject for a long one. I’m shit posting twice a day. I have plenty of subjects. I just don’t feel like putting them together. Not with my head ringing. It sucks, it goes along with my heartbeat. Whoosh, whoosh.

Okay, finally, back to the subject at hand. Rumination. I read two ways to help are to distract yourself. I do that by listening to music while I write. It wasn’t working though. I was still running off at the mouth. Another technique is to write a plan of action. That sounded great; two birds with one stone. But my plan of action is I most likely won’t need to take any action. I took out a pen and paper and slowed myself down and wrote it out. It was only one long paragraph but when I was finished, I stopped running it over and over in my head, getting worked up and pissed off. That was at least a week ago.

I gave myself a non-deadline of the middle of November but also wrote out, “Plan of action may still be no action.” I think that will help because last month I had a date written out and panicked and almost blew up my spot a couple nights up at 3am writing emails, filling out forms and making phone calls. I get so lucky sometimes. I wrote it all out a few months ago but realized it was getting messy and wordy. Last night I was feeling calm and did a thorough edit. I hope nobody sees it.

6am. Maybe time to walk down to Linda’s Breakfast. I don’t have much money left for the month but what can it hurt to spend $15 once? Besides, after I was called “old man” this weekend, I may have to go where old men hang out. I’m already up at old man hours. Maybe I could be a real dick and pay for one bottomless cup of coffee and leave a 50 cent tip. Call all the waitresses, “Honey.”

It’s not really an old man place. It is just the best breakfast in the area. I have only been there a handful of times. I’m not much of a go out to breakfast type unless they are serving Bloody Mary’s. They usually have a line and make so much money they close at noon. They may have started lunch after losing money to Covid. I’m not sure, I don’t get around much. It’s got to be better than fucking Panera, They have a full menu and it’s only another half mile away. Why would I want to do that? It is a bit far and it is only 50 degrees and still dark. By the time I get off this computer they will be closed. I still have to eat an apple and orange.

Maybe I will just meditate until I reach Nirvana… Or my brain falls out.

7 thoughts on “Writer’s Block???

  1. “All this town does is sleep, and if it doesn’t the cops will pull it over.” 😂

    Okay, I have a lot to say here, so bear with me. First, I can totally relate to the waking up way-too-damn-early thing. For years I would wake up, look at the clock and it was 4:42. To the minute. Like several times a week! WTF? I also get ear worms (listening to the song that’s stuck works for me and banishes it) and tinnitus from certain foods, especially dairy. My anxiety used to be so bad I was dx’d schizoaffective. Clinically depressed, too. It SUCKS.

    Do you have allergies or things like eczema, psoriosis, canker sores, etc? The reason I ask is…

    I found out I have immune dysregulation. Mine turned into full blown mastocytosis but I know many people with allergic/inflammatory issues that produce these same symptoms you’re describing. The same ones I struggled with my entire life.

    Anxiety, depression, schizoaffective disorder, agoraphobia, OCD, even autistic behaviors have all been connected to inflammation/allergy/immune dysregulation. Google “mast cells and _____” (fill in the blank) or “inflammation and ____” or “allergies and _____”. You’ll see. My point? 90% of my physical and psychological issues cleared up as soon as I changed my diet and started taking mast cell stabilizers. Quercetin has been a godsend. Low dose aspirin and anti-histamines, too.

    I learned we release histamine at night and it can wake us up so I have to take Benedryl before bed to sleep, and now I sleep like a baby. No more waking at 4:42 and no more being paranoid that it was some sort of message from another dimension or something. 😆

    Just thought I’d share.. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for taking the time to write! No, I don’t think that applies to me. Doctors are surprised by my lack of physical ailments. Benadryl is anathema to me. I was however surprised my sleep improved immensely when I stopped taking Trazodone. (for sleep). I have been on a l mostly veg. diet for about 5 years. No eggs or dairy, except the surprised cheese recently. Other than that rare red meat. I made a change recently but I can’t write about it online. Thank you for thinking so much to write. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well, maybe someone reading this will be like OH HEY THIS IS ME lol.

        Oh, and Trazodone was awful for me! It gave me bad dreams, well, not bad like scary, just very bizarre all night long dreams. I had to quit taking it just to get a break from the weirdness lol. Your diet sounds super healthy, it’s funny when doctors are surprised that some of their patients are actually physically fit. They must see so many who aren’t that the ones who are really stand out haha. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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