Hellbent

Robot Brain

“It’s not enough
I need more
Nothing seems to satisfy
I don’t want it
I just need it
To breathe, to feel, to know I’m alive”

“Stinkfist” Tool

My doctor sent me to a nutritionist because he couldn’t figure out why I was gaining so much weight. (It was my medication) I sat down in her little office and she asked me what I eat on a typical day. I told her exactly. She said, “Wow! You’re hardcore! I don’t think there is anything I can tell you.” She spent four years in college learning how to tell people what to eat.

I changed medications and the weight disappeared. That was 10 years ago but I’m still eating like, “Damn right, I’m a maniac!” Why? I’m no health nut. I’ll eat the ass out of a double cheeseburger and not be like, “Oh no, I went off my diet.” Whatever, I’ve written this a hundred times.

Why am I treating my body like I want to live forever but still trying to kill myself?

Sometime yesterday morning I came down hard. Dying in bed. Had to get up and on YouTube to retrain my brain with the right music because I had it bad going through my head. “And then you’re stuck up, You just lucked up, Next in line to get fucked up.” Ha! Fuckin’ Fred Durst. What’s he like, 5 feet tall?

Straighten that out, back in bed. I still can’t think. Gotta get some sleep! Not happening.

I turned on the television and picked a sleep meditation. I had hard time getting started. My breathing was too shallow. I was starting to get afraid I would stop breathing. Come on, you know that’s not possible. I didn’t care what the meditation was. I chose it because it was the longest. I don’t listen to what they are saying half the time. It’s the process that works for me. I started getting into it and rolled on to my side, hugged the pillow, caught myself falling asleep and couldn’t let go. I had to start over again.

I did that for a few more hours and realized I was doing it to escape from my thoughts. I haven’t had any anxiety for a long time. Comparatively. I still do but it’s not a major daily issue like I’ve had in the past. I have a lot I am stressed about but I am getting good at stopping the circular thinking.

All these therapists I’ve had over the years. They all talked about mindfulness but I had no idea what the word meant. Nobody told me these simple little things to do. Now I have no therapist and I’m doing it myself? It’s probably my fault. I make friends with all my therapists and all we do is talk and laugh for an hour and sometimes more. One of my favorites was this 60 year old broad. I was her last appointment on Fridays. You think she would just want to get the fuck out of there and go home. She has a family. She gets along great with her husband. Every week, 5:30, 6 o’clock rolls around, she keeps saying, No, really, I have to get home.

My last therapist used to piss me off. For 5 years, whatever my issue, she would say, “Just stay in the moment.” What? What if the moment sucks so bad you would do absolutely anything to get out of it? She is the one who got me to try meditating. That was it. No guidance, just me and a million and one YouTube videos and half of them sound like bullshit. I was so desperate I tried it anyway. Is this what she meant? Lie in bed all day, listening to videos and just “staying in the moment?”

The weather was perfect and I told myself just because calendar summer is over, the plan is not over. It’s a nice day, leave the house. I fought it. Where am I gonna go? Nowhere. Just go. Go to Panera again. That place sucks. I don’t have the money. Put it on the credit card, it’s only 20. That’s only for emergency. Really? Was Labor Day an emergency when you blew 300 on booze? Today is an emergency. It’s a 20 dollar emergency.

I made it. I’m glad I found out about the pizza or I was going to stop going. It’s not great but at least it resembles what it is called. I know why I keep going there. There are people. Not many. Yesterday it was packed. I think there were 8 people. I go there because it is the only place withing walking distance that doesn’t serve alcohol. I remember last month wondering about that chain restaurant in the next plaza. Some kind of Japanese steak house. I bet they have better food. Probably better people? Yeah, I bet they serve Mai Tai’s too, my favorite. What kind of emergency would that turn into.

I made myself go to Walmart for no reason. Just sticking with the plan. Stay out in public for as long as possible. I started home and thought to myself, “I tried today.” Halfway home, I started gasping for breath and just wishing I home. I was having a freaking panic attack! Where did that come from?

I have been doing pretty well with my gratitude list. I don’t do it every day. I only add believable items to it. It helps to read it over and remember why I wrote something. Last week I remembered what got me started was wondering about so much negative self talk. Then I went off the rails and forgot about it. I always made fun of positive affirmations. It made me think of the Saturday Night Live character talking to himself in the mirror.

When I did the first SMART meeting and spoke up and the guy said, sounds like you are having a problem with self acceptance. I read it on their website. Yep, that’s me. And there is that perfectionism thing again, Nothing is ever good enough. What the fuck is going on here? I’ve seen that word a 1,000 times this summer. I didn’t think I was ready to accept all the negative, I didn’t really understand it. I figured I should start small with the positive self talk.

I started a list of 5 basics but when I read them I immediately came up with a disqualifying counter statement. It was fucking bugging me. I narrowed it down to the first one. “I am a good person.” (except I do some really evil shit sometimes) Where the fuck did that come from? I don’t do evil. I don’t cheat, steal, hurt people intentionally. I shut that shit down and started coming up with evidence for why I am a good person. I came up with things I could believe. It wasn’t that hard. It didn’t turn my life around but I felt a little better.

Then it happened again. I was thinking I should do another online meeting but yesterday’s schedule excluded me. One was first responders, another was women’s, then LGBTQ. I suppose I would wait til 10pm. I almost went to bed but remembered.

The guy had a document on the screen and started doing topics and asking people their own little ways of dealing with them. It was all the shit I’ve been thinking about this summer! No big cosmic coincidence. All of them were common problems people have whether they do drugs or not. His third topic was self acceptance. (here we go) Still basic ideas. Then he started typing positive affirmations. He added like 20 of them. I’m thinking now it’s getting silly again. I wouldn’t say half that shit to myself and it’s just too many. Then a woman spoke up and said she does it the same way she cleans her house. She can’t clean the whole house at the same time, she wouldn’t get anything done. She starts with a bedroom and maybe moves on to a closet. Then like 3 other people said the same thing. Where were these people 4 months ago? I just figured that out earlier in the day. The funniest part was that is how I finally got the motivation to clean my place a while ago. I woke up and said, the bedroom. I’m cleaning the bedroom today and that is it. I kicked the bedroom’s ass and a few days later my whole place was clean.

I was on my computer and decided I would add one thing to my gratitude list. I wrote:

“I did my best today”, and immediately thought, It still wasn’t good enough. I just can’t cut myself any slack.

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