This is Where The Party Ends

“… Out from the kitchen to the bedroom to the hallway
Your friend apologizes, he could see it my way
He let the contents of the bottle do the thinking
Can’t shake the devil’s hand and say you’re only kidding”

“Your Racist Friend” They Might Be Giants

Time to hit the brakes. I don’t know what the fuck I’ve been doing. These stories aren’t funny. All weekend I’m saying, delete freakin’ Bumble! I wake up Monday and I already have a new message. “How was your weekend?”, “Great! You?, “Fantastic! I just hiked my first 4,000 footer!”, “Wow! I would love to listen to you tell me all about it.”, “You would have to send your number to do that.”, I sent my number. A couple hours later she sent her’s back with her real name.

What the fuck am I doing? Monday the woman I met last week was already coming over to soak my bed again after she gets out of work. I like her. Why am I trying to find someone else? I delete the people I was matched with on the app but I couldn’t delete the app. But no more swiping, that’s a step in the right direction. Fuck it! I texted my friend, “Sorry to uninvite you [some lame excuse].

Last week I asked my case manager what the hold up was with getting a new therapist. I guess I fell through the cracks. I am on the list again. Tuesday I texted her to ask if Seacoast was running any online support groups. She said she would look into it. I thought there must be some kind of shit. I googled and found something. I made an account but didn’t want to schedule the zoom because it isn’t for a couple weeks and who knows if I will remember.

My brain is still running. Now I’m wondering if there are dating sites for people with mental illnesses? That sounds just crazy enough to work. Yes, but they all look like scams. Okay, good. But there are “social networks” for people with disabilities. Whatever… Now I have something to do. A lot of those looked like scams but I joined one that looked like facebook for people with disabilities including mental illnesses. I made a fake account to see if there was anyone on there. Nope. There was a chat area with nobody in it.

This other site kept coming up that looked like a scam but for some reason, I kept looking at it. It had only popped up in one random search. I googled to see if it was a scam, nothing came up. But I don’t know? Again, I put in my email and little info and got a page that said they need 5 buck from paypal or my phone number to verify me. Seriously? Why am I doing this? I sent my number. After a couple hours, nothing, see? I knew it was a scam.

About 5pm my phone rang with a Canadian number. I almost didn’t pick it up, but something clicked. I answered and it’s some old broad calling about the website. She said she created it and she verifies everyone to keep out scammers. I’ll get an email giving me access, Make sure I check out the chatroom at 8pm, they have a dj playing music and they have a lot of fun… ??? Okay, now I can look at the site. It’s well made, there are no people in my area but they have a chatroom and a radio station with the DJ schedule. There is a picture of the woman who called me and the story behind why she started the site. I think I will check it out later.

I didn’t feel like cooking and walked to the store for some food, might as well pick up a 12 pack for the chat. WHAT? Too late now…

I got into the chat and there is only one person there, I said hello, he said hi. I asked if anyone goes in there. He said pretty soon. Okay, not too much going on. Then a few people popped in and the first guy said, “Hey, L—-, we got a new guy” It’s her! The 75 year old woman who called me later. She says she is so glad I made it and introduced me to everyone and got me involved in the conversation.

After an hour, I got a buzz, tunes are playing, these people are fun! They really were though. I feel like I was 20 again. I told them I haven’t done this since the 90’s, same music and everything. Extra fuel for my mania…. Oh yeah, I was the life of the party. She didn’t seem to mind. When she went to bed around 11pm she said she hoped I liked it and would come back again. Oh yeah!

I didn’t realize until the next morning. I was hearing their voices while I was talking to them. I wasn’t on Zoom, it was text only on my desktop. But I was talking and I could hear them. A couple guys stayed on after she left but nobody was talking. I asked one guy, “What do you like?”, “I don’t know”, “What do you mean you don’t know? You must like something.”, “I really like trains”, “Cool, what do you like about trains?”, “I don’t know”, “You must know, that is pretty specific thing to like.” He starts telling me. It’s pretty cool, Now we’re talking, I tell him what I like about trains. I tell him when we were kids the freight train had to slow down when it passed through our town and we would run alongside and hop it for a ride to Boston for the day. That lasted a while but then it was just me and the first guy. He is quiet again. I should have said good night. I didn’t. I said I know why I am coming back, what keeps you coming? I don’t know? You don’t know!

I thought I went to bed but I remember I stayed up on my tablet, and checked mental health dating in the app store. Luckily I had the faculties to know they were scams. But the weird thing is I checked sober dating apps. I’m shitfaced and I’m going to join a sober dating app? Makes sense. I almost did it too. They were based on 12 steps though. Good night.

Morning comes and I’m depressed. What the fuck am I doing? Yeah it was fun for a few hours but now I’m shit. A real piece of shit. But I was hoping I could do it again tonight. Sober this time though… Yeah right. This is not a good idea at all. Winter is coming and I’m home alone all the time? Hit the brakes!

Still in bed, kicking my own ass, crying. All the good stuff. My phone chimes, it’s fucking Bumble! What the fuck. I haven’t been on my phone. It’s a first message. A woman took the time to write, “Why would anyone want to go out with a guy who is already planning on saying or doing something that would cause her to throw her coffee in his face? You can do better…” Okay… She couldn’t see my whole profile is one big joke? The whole point is to show I’m not taking the app seriously. But she could have just swiped left… She had to tap that out on her phone?

I typed, “Was that a rhetorical question?”. I deleted the app!

Then I got on my computer and deleted all the stupid shit from yesterday…. Except for the chat. Instead I sent the owner an email saying,

Hi L—-, Thank you so much for going through the trouble of adding me. I got over excited and disrupted the chat. I think I may have put people off and made them feel less free to talk. I’m not sure I should come back.Thank you,

Why did I do that?

That was a few hours ago and I sat down to type this out and cook my “Power Brain Stew” ,which set off the smoke alarm but I think I saved it in time. I was doing great. I did all the prep, set the timer twice for each step, threw the lentils in and forgot to set the timer. Sitting here typing and listening to a meeting and can’t figure out why it smells funny in here. Oh shit! Just in time. The alarm in my apartment went off for a bit but I opened the windows. I was seconds away from setting off the alarm for the entire building! WTF.

I just got an email now, from L—–,

No you were delightful…You should not feel this way. I think both A— and myself really enjoyed speaking with you. I was actually waiting for you tonight. A— is on tomorrow 7 to 9…do come..People get quiet sometimes because we are in with the same people every night…It happens ..not to worry about that..Glad you sent me a message.Hope to see you.

I don’t know what to do. She isn’t trying to make any money off me. She said she gets like 90 bucks a month from people who send the $5. I saw her story on YouTube. She goes to church, she doesn’t drink. She was in a car accident and homebound for 10 years so she started the website.

So I wasn’t imagining it was fun just because I was drunk.

I’m so stupid.

4 thoughts on “This is Where The Party Ends

    1. I tested that one because they have been around the longest. But the owner uses a a service to hide their identity and they have a lot of bad reviews and the name sounds like they are preying on people. Same. I didn’t say anything about myself and I got 2 emails, but I have to pay $40 a month to read them AND $20 a month to reply. Too much considering I will probably try to use it to hook up with the 10 crazy broads in NH. Hooking up online is my problem. The first time last week I was sober online, sober when I was with her. She left, I got blackout drunk to feed the mania. At SMART they told me to try bumble. It’s not a hook up site. 2 hookups and 2 blackout drunks later. Thanks guys. The plan in June was don’t try to meet anyone online. I liked the chatroom because there is no chance of hooking up with anyone. It was 5 guys, 2 women hundreds of miles away and the 75 year old broad. Everyone had some kind of disability, Physical or mental but nobody cared what it was. Just normal convo. But some kind of community, like on here. Limited but… I just don’t want my community to be online meetings where all the time they talk about their maladaptive behaviors. This is turning into another post. Thank you. Writing is a healthy coping skill for me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah, all the sites are like that. I was using bumble for free. They try to upsell but unlimited daily swipes wasn’t needed, umm.. Do I really want to see who matched me but didn’t send a message on an app where I can’t send the first message? Or do I need to know they read my message and didn’t reply? I just have to focus on my priorities.

        Liked by 1 person

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