East Bumfuck KY

“Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way”

“Time” Pink Floyd

Meanwhile, back in one of my other lives, I went to school for graphic design and web programming. I first got proficient in Photoshop and then took classes in html, php and mysql. I struggled with database for some reason but I liked it because it is the real power behind the internet. I got pretty good at it but that is not the story.

My first project was simple. It had to have a registration form to input a user’s information into the database, a login form for username and password, a submission form and a page to display the data. I chose a poetry submission site. I thought it would be funny to call it DrunkenIrishPoet.com. I took to it pretty quickly and added as many features as I could think of. Page view counter, sort by month, or oldest to newest, etc.. I put a lot of work into it for a website nobody would ever see so I put it online. I was right, nobody would ever saw it. A couple times I got 2 poems in a month, sometimes I got none. Still, each month I would choose the poet of the month. Either the only person who posted that month or if nobody I would put up one of my own. One month I checked and there was a poem with like 372 page views. I laughed and looked in the database and the view all came from the same user on the same night.

I wasn’t sleeping much at the time so I drafted a overly formal email congratulating them on being chosen as the Poet of the Month, and would you like to submit a short bio? I received an email in return with a pretty lengthy, fictional bio. It was pretty funny, She introduced herself as a small town girl from East Bumfuck, Kentucky. I wrote back saying I once met a girl from West Bumfuck, Kentucky, would she happen to know her and by the way, you didn’t have to go through all the trouble of clicking your own page. She said she wished I had told her that before she broke her mouse.

I asked her if she was really from Kentucky and she said yes but not East Bumfuck but might as well be. I told her I lived in NH. She said, No Way! I lived in Hampton until I was 20. I told her that is where I grew up. At first she didn’t believe me and started testing me about the names of the schools I went to and landmarks etc… We figured out we went to the same schools and lived 5 miles from each other at one point and we both had the same favorite spot. She couldn’t be messing with me because she had too many details and she would ask randomly, “Is Kennedy’s still there?”… “Yes, but it has been closed for 15 years” etc… The fucked up part was we lived the same lives only we never met because she was 5 years older than me.

We both had action packed lives with plenty of stories to tell. I remember being jealous because she and her boyfriend spent a summer touring Australia on motorcycles living out of a backpack. We were writing nightly but I was a more voracious writer. My mania was pretty intense at the time and I remember for some strange reason I would go to bed every night at midnight and wake up at 2am. I wasn’t tired but that was my sleep schedule. I was so crazed, I didn’t realize she stopped responding one week but I kept waking up every morning at 2am, putting on a pot of coffee and pounding out whatever was in my head into 3 pages, Titling it, “Another crazy 5:37am email” or whatever the clock said when I was finished. I don’t think it dawned on me she wasn’t writing back until the end of the week. I thought, Oh wow… Maybe I overshared?

Saturday, I got an email from her saying she got busy during the week but she created a folder on her desktop with my name on it and saved my emails to read while she drank coffee that morning. I wasn’t expecting that. But she was telling the truth because she responded at length in way that showed she had payed attention. I thought I had been boring her to death. But apparently not.

After that I slowed down but we were still exchanging long ass emails until one night I woke up and had one from her ranting about how some kid took her money for weed and never came back. But she was livid! I thought it was pretty funny. She never mentioned she smoked weed. I could imagine her sitting there sipping coffee, toking away, reading my emails and writing back.

I guess I did something stupid but I was trying to make her laugh. I thought I was being obviously sarcastic and wrote back, 1st of all you’re too old to be smoking that shit, why you giving your money to some punk kid? Relax, it’s only 30 bucks.

She did not find it funny at all and wrote me a 1st of all list of very pointed attacks on my character and ended with something like, You have your “precious meds…. this is my medicine.”

I returned with an apology, saying I was only trying to be funny, I don’t think there is anything wrong with smoking weed but thanks for telling me what you really think about me. I never heard from her again.

I’m still pretty trusting.

3 thoughts on “East Bumfuck KY

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