Every time I try to get out…

Heart colored pencils

I deleted Tinder two days after I downloaded it. Last week I stopped swiping Bumble Monday and deleted the app. Both apps said, “Are you sure? All data will also be deleted and cannot be recovered.” I said, Absolutely! and tapped the screen.

This weekend I started getting emails from both of them saying I have new matches or “someone is interested in you” etc… I thought, they are relentless.

Sunday I got an email from Bumble saying someone has sent me a message, click her to see who.

Later, the same thing from Tinder. I got curious and clicked Tinder. It brought me to their website. There was my account complete as if I never left. And I did have a message. I clicked Bumble, same thing! I never visited their website. I downloaded the apps from the appstore. Also, before I deleted the apps, I unmatched with anyone I had talked with. Well, here they all are with the conversations saved. I ignored them.WTF? I figured the messages I had were from robots and I am bored and send some replies like they are real to see what response I get. No! Not robots! I start receiving answers that correspond to my messages. How the hell is this happening? It’s almost midnight on a Sunday. The first woman wrote in her profile if you talk to me be prepared to meet IRL within a week, bonus if you want to spend the day on the beach. I asked her what keeps her up so late and she said she is on her way home from Six Flags. What the fuck? This bitch is driving down the highway at night on her phone. I’m too fucked up. I don’t mean drunk, I’m just fucked in the head. I want to see where this goes. I said the same thing I said to someone last week. That sounds great! I can’t wait to hear all about it… She asked if I would like to arrange a meeting? I told her I live near the beach but it’s only 50 degrees outside. She asked, where would you like to meet? I was two seconds from typing, My place? Hit the fucking brakes! I look at her picture it’s her dressed conservatively with her arm around someone in a Tweety Bird costume at fucking DisneyLand!

I’m not doing this. Unmatch. Last Thursday I had to tell the woman I hooked up with last weekend, I’m sorry, I think you are looking for more out of this than I am. She said oh, no, no, no, I’m not. She was all googly eyed when she left my place last week. I didn’t want to get into a big discussion about it so I told her I have something going on with a family member and I can’t talk about it. Which is actually true. She said she understands, family comes first. Okay, thank you. (phew) Oh no, a couple hours later… Let me know if you want to talk or even just cuddle. I just said no two different ways. I typed. TY. Later, What are you doing Friday night? I can pick up some Chinese food and do [all kinds of stuff I would like done to me, but that is what got me into this mess] I didn’t make any overtures when I met her. It was all playful banter. No mention of any kind of relationship. I don’t do that to women. My profile is one long joke. I made up some excuse.

But now I have a message on Bumble, there is the number 1 on the browser tab. I look at her profile, it says, If you voted for Biden, think masks work or have been vaccinated with the experiment…swipe left. Unmatch!

Done, time to write about it, right? Oh no! The number 2 is on the Tinder tab! Two more messages, one is from a woman her profile says she is pansexual, bisexual, etc.. She just says, Hi. Women who Identify pansexual have never had an interest in me. But I typed, I’m laughing because you said your favorite band is U2 and I am hoping it was a joke…. She said it was her most toxic trait. I said, my most toxic trait is knowing enough to know I’m toxic. End of conversation.

The next woman is beautiful, her age isn’t posted, maybe 35, I read her profile and it’s about finding a man to celebrate the glory of god and getting married. That is a summary of 3 long paragraphs. But at the bottom it says, Godly sex would be hot! With 3 fire emojis. I don’t know what the hell is going on. I asked her what keeps her up so late swiping on a Sunday night. She said she was journaling about her recent experiences with the lord and decided to do a few swipes and something in u made me swipe right. Okay, that makes sense after midnight on a hookup app.

Alright, I gotta write about this! Not yet! A woman the app says she is 2,000 miles away, okay, scammer. But there is a long profile. She owns a business in Connecticut but is visiting family in the DR. She is looking to get married. Close the apps.

I don’t get it. I’ve been on dating sites before. I understand Bumble is designed for the woman to make the first contact. But I”m no sex symbol. Women never contact me first. Half the time I don’t get an answer when I send the first message. I send good messages too. I’m not like hey babe, wanna hook up? Whatever. I lost my two girlfriends last spring and told myself not to get on dating sites because I go out of control. I stayed off the sites all summer until I got the urge, hooked up and immediately fucked up. I talked in a smart meeting and they told me to Join Bumble. I said hooking up online and drinking is my problem. Oh no, Bumble isn’t a hook up app. It’s for people looking for things to do. I wasn’t going to do it but I thought how much trouble could I get into on an app where the woman has to message first? How many women are actually going to message me? Apparently all of them!

I don’t get it. What am I supposed to do? Cancel my internet connection? Can you ever leave these sites? When I deleted them they were like, are you sure? You are giving up your only chance. I said, hell yeah and hit the X.

I deleted at least 10 emails from Tinder and Bumble that said I had new matches. Because I can’t be on these sites. Plus I figured if I clicked it would say for only X amount of dollars you can restore your data or some shit. Then I got emails saying I had new messages and I had to know what was going on. I googled to see if they are owned by the same company. It said Bumble was started by a woman who “says” she created Tinder. I don’t know. They are exactly the same sites except different colors.

My friggin’ life is like Seinfeld. What is the show about? It’s about nothing! Nothing? Well, something happens… No! Nothing happens! Then everything happens.

That’s me. Sunday night football ends, I’m on the computer listening to music, couple people posted on WP, I”m gonna go in the bedroom and watch tv. BOOM! It’s 3am. Good thing I didn’t get drunk. I’d probably be banging DisneyLand girl instead of typing this.


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