No Apologies

It took me all weekend to write my last post and I finally figured out why… The story didn’t culminate until 6am this morning. I got in the part about my daughter picking me up early to go to her brother’s flag football game. That is what got me started. It was fun! It was exciting! No, not just because I was manic. (Which I was) I was the quietest person there. But I love that kid! He knows he is good but he has low confidence. He is a talented artist, but I think he gave up drawing because his twin is a phenom. L=== has her own thing going on, It seems like he thinks he is the only kid in the family without a talent. But his talent is his athleticism. Back at the house I told him, what the other coach said and I described all the plays he made in detail, (the ones I saw), I showed him what I texted my mom during the game about, I keep trying to text her but every time I looked down at my phone, everyone starts yelling his name!

Then my daughter tripped me out on the ride home… Listening to Hendrix, and taking all the back roads I used to drive.

Back at her house I was getting more excited, my mom showed up, first time I have seen her since Covid. All the kids lover her.. Everyone is talking at once… Five freakin’ dogs! They love me too! Roxanne, glued to me, how does this dog remember me? I haven’t been there since July.

Portsmouth… Bigger than life! I haven’t been in years and it is better than I remember. We are doing all the same shit I did when I sixteen with my best friend, but she wants to show me the town like she is the one who discovered it. The first place she brought us was Bullmoose Music. I used to go there looking for old vinyl and now she is there for the old CD’s. I feel so lucky she wants to share her life with me!

She takes us on a tour of the consignment shops. (I wrote about the girl of my dreams… There is more to that story) I can’t believe I found the only dress she liked in the entire shop. She went through every rack. I really wanted to buy it for her because I wanted an excuse to talk to the owner.

I kept kicking myself, she says she loves my t-shirt, where did I get it? I can’t remember the name of the fucking place online! I know the name, it is the only place I buy shirts online. I tell her I like it because you type in a word or phrase or band name and if an artist has created anything related, it shows you the choices. You can choose from a million colors and they don’t print the shirt until you order it. Obviously I typed, “Breathe” and chose blue for this one. I have another good one, “Eat Your Vegetables” but the pink color looked more faded online. When I got it, it was the hottest pink you have ever seen! (Fuck!) Why can’t I remember the name? (I didn’t drop any “F-bombs” in there)

[ If you want to understand the thrill and excitement I was feeling, refer to “An Unquiet Mind” by Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison, she gives a better account than I. ]

We visited one more consignment shop and she went straight for the rings. She has good taste in rings. She has a silver filigree and a silver bee on a flower. She is asking me which one to get and I tell her both of them. She tried to put her own cash on the counter but I wouldn’t let her. She said she didn’t want me to spend all my money on her. I said, I like to buy you things. I know, but… I said, L===, I’m not paying for the dress and the rings, I”m paying for the experience, earlier you said you wanted to try the Indian restaurant, if we had gone there, I would have dropped a 100 bucks there. This is the most fun I’ve had in a long time… If I’m home I’ll spend the money on stupid shit I don’t need, 20 bucks at Panera, 20 bucks at Walmart, you know?

We were driving down Islington St., leaving town, and my mind is really flying… I’m quiet but inside I’m thinking, “Fuck this shit! They want me to forget all my good times? I’m gonna die soon… I’ve been here 3 hours and I had more fun than I had all summer! I’m taking an Uber back here tonight! (This is called “Euphoric recall” and it is dangerous for me… I remember all the good times I had partying and being manic but I forget all the horrible shit but I had already made up my mind.)

“Back at her mom’s house, we were sitting on the porch, and I’m trying to explain the last two months in two seconds! N=== says, “You are wicked fucking manic! You have been like this since June.” I try to slow down… Later she asks me if I”m drunk? “I didn’t go to a bar with my mom and L===, today!” (But I felt like I was drunk! Even now I remember it as if I was drunk but I didn’t drink until later.) We had a lot of friction a few years ago when I was doing this… She was getting pissed because she thought I was visiting my daughter while drunk.

L=== asks if she can give me a ride home. On the way, she puts in the Blind Melon CD, I told her, I think I got all of my crying out last week, now I am enjoying it. She is singing along. I keep remember the song by Cake though, she was sing that earlier, “As soon as you’re born you start dyin’, so you might as well have a good time… ” It’s been stuck in my head for four fucking days! But all the songs and all my writings and all my words are coming back to haunt me!

[Something, something, blur] I’m texting L=== in the middle of the night, asking if she noticed what happened in the store? Isn’t it weird, she asked me if I wanted her to email or text a receipt? (Okay, now I know stores always try to get your number, but I was convinced) I texted my daughter, the Grace Jones scene where her eyes lit up when I said, I had the hugest crush on her, and she said, “I STILL have the hugest crush on her!” etc… My daughter gave that a thumbs up. I went through my phone, I was still coherent at that time. I text my mom, Same thing… She didn’t notice anything… What the hell were they doing? They were standing there the whole time?

I remember flashes, I keep going back to my story, trying to find the perfect lyrics to match. Each time it is a new song and the story changes and I know why, I had my foot on the brake but I was still rumbling! I should not be allowed on the internet when I am like this! I looked up the website to the store and found the contact form and started writing crazy shit. I only remember, the first one, I apologized for forgetting my manners and not asking her name and on and on.. I hope I didn’t send too many emails. I know it was at least two… I was all over the place, contacting everyone. If anyone reading this got any crazy emails this weekend, no you know why… I put the brakes on, by deleting addresses but probably too late. I’m not sure what I wrote. But my most well received poem on here, I wrote in a blackout, “Forgive and let yourself live.” I woke up and the document was still open on my desktop. I”m not glorifying it. I rarely write while I am drinking because it’s not good writing. I have no idea where that came from but I’m not looking to make it a habit.

The worst was sometime Sunday, I sat at the computer and saw google was open to a Real Estate agent in California and I remember thinking I had to make the call and I did and she answered and I guess I tried explain my (???) She was not impressed.

Late night Sunday, I try to rewrite the post twice (looked through my phone and had 20 barely intelligible texts to N===, Nothing bad, I remember seeing the words, “overwhelmed, happiest, Luckiest” but most of it I had no idea. WTF? she is going to be pissed at me) and gave up and just hit Publish. Didn’t sleep.

Monday: Gotta stop! I stopped Sunday afternoon I believe. Now I’m back to trashing myself again. Do I really hate myself so much I don’t believe I deserve my daughter’s love, I have the best day ever and I ruin myself? I text N===, saying, I wasn’t drunk at your house, L===, keeps playing that song, ‘soon as your born… So I got drunk but that is not a good time for me… (Still no reply) Good thing, I forgot about Uber. Luckily, I must have remembered, Portsmouth used to be fun but not a good idea. Calling myself all the names. This was the same thing when I joined SMART, the first meeting I asked the guy do I commit to never drinking and if I do drink, I”m a failure and a loser, etc..? Or do I do the “everyone makes mistakes” route and give myself an excuse? He said it sounds like you need to work on Unconditional Self Acceptance.

Makes sense, it sounds like me, I read what it is, but they don’t tell you how to do it. I got pissed at them a couple weeks ago and quit because I was in bed grieving the loss of my daughter and they are talking about Acceptance. Fuck you, the point of life isn’t to “endure suffering” so I can stay alive until tomorrow, to do it some more with a bunch of assholes tomorrow! And, “The opposite of addiction is connection”, I don’t feel a connection to these people.

I shut down Zoom, I got drunk but also did some positive things, I believe were healthier than lying in bed crying. But I could have done that without the alcohol.

I guess I really should try getting back into meetings but I can’t get one all day.. Around 7pm I do and the topic? Unconditional Life Acceptance! Some guy is saying he finally got sober when he got that. But I can’t wrap my head around it. I can’t forgive myself for all this fucked up shit… I’ve got some evil in me, right?

I log out, and come up with the idea to search for books on the topic on my Hoopla app. I found a few and fav’ed them to check later, but one of them I had already borrowed… When? It shows I listened to the first chapter and stopped. I probalby didn’t like it but the description sounded okay. (“Unconditional Self Acceptance” by Cheri Huber) I go to the beginning and hit play. It is like she is talking directly to me, listened to half and it was like a 3 hour therapy session, childhood emotional conditioning, slips into a guided visualization, think of an emotion, where do you feel it in your body? What would it feel like if it didn’t have a label? More little lectures, a guided imagery, picture four people in your life, I knew she was talking about my childhood, picture them acting in a typical manner, I had the four people as soon as she said it and she went through one by one. Okay, I already knew a lot of this but it really makes sense the question she is asking and the thought and feeling she is suggesting I imagine. It is starting to make sense. I”m not saying I’ve found redemption but I felt a lot better all night.

I texted my daughter at 3am, “I just heard something it mad me think when I apologized for crying the first time you played Galaxie for me in the car. I don’t want to teach you to apologize for your emotions. The way I was taught. However you feel is the right way to feel. I was so happy when you said, it’s okay, I’m glad it makes you cry.

I stayed awake until 6am until she gave me a “heart”, and I got up to finish the story.

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