I get stigmatized by other people with mental illnesses when I do something “crazy.” What the fuck do they expect? I’m not using it as an excuse to do whatever I want. I’m trying my best to restrain myself and act “normal.”
I’ve been trying to get a therapist for five months. I finally got one but I don’t have an appointment until next week. She sounds very nice but before I talked to her I was tired of waiting and I found a legitimate group therapy Zoom meeting online. I registered with the site and found a “Dual Diagnosis” group last week but it didn’t start until last night. I made the appointment last week and got the email and put it in my calendar and waited.
I signed in 5 minutes early and about six people on camera were already talking but I kept myself on mute and off camera. I wasn’t the only one off camera. The moderator is Is saying some shit like, “This is my day job but here I am at night, you people keep me coming back.” The meeting started and they read the guidelines and started the “check-ins” and everyone seemed pretty chilled out; even the woman who said she was manic looked like she was about to fall asleep. But whatever, I can’t tell anything by looking at her on my tablet. Another woman introduced herself by listing 20 diagnoses like a pedigree. Not to minimize, but, you know?
The “moderator?” (is that the correct word?) asks if anyone else wants to check in. I really didn’t want to because I already felt out of place and I waited and I waited some more. I said, fuck it I’m here for a reason, I’ll check in. I unmuted and almost started talking but felt it might be rude without video, my first time at the meeting and I turned my camera on. (That is how long I waited before I “disrupted” the meeting for mentally ill people) I didn’t introduce myself by my diagnosis, but it’s pretty fucking obvious I got something going on. I just start babbling but I’m not dropping “F-bombs” and I”m not under the influence of any substances and I’m not talking over anyone. The bitch says, “I’m sorry, are we starting the discussion period before we finish the checkins?” (Not, “Excuse me, (…), We need to let other people check in first…) “I said, “I’m sorry, this is my first time in this meeting.” And I put myself on mute. No hint of sarcasm. I was polite and sincere. (I’m thinking that was fucked up, because she just had back and forth discussions with the other people who checked in before me)
Then, nobody else checked in! She said she wanted to start the discussion with the pedigreed woman because she had an “SI” a couple weeks ago. I’m not supposed to talk about what went on in the meeting but I’m not going into too much detail? Right? I’m not sure if I should write this? Fuck it! Nobody can figure out what meeting I”m talking about. What are they going to do? Ban me? I already know I”m not welcome and I left early and I”m not going back. I was going to stick it out but the reason I left is a guy was saying he was scared and didn’t know what to do and he sounded it and she cut him off and because I guess the person with insomnia was in more danger.
I’m just pissed, I got shunned from recovery meetings because some dude was fucking with me and when I asked what I should do about it I was told I shouldn’t have told anyone I had a mental illness. Okay, so it’s my fault? Every meeting they encourage you to talk about your “slip up.” What was I supposed to do? My “slip up” was related to my mental illness and I still wasn’t going to say it but sometimes I can’t help myself because because I’ve been up for three days and I talk too much and I don’t know what I’m saying because it’s part of my mental illness. But when I asked about it, I had gotten a good night’s sleep and I was calm and I didn’t do it in a meeting, I asked a volunteer in the chatroom through DM. He asked me the username and I said I don’t want anyone to get kicked out, I”m just wondering what I should do? Because I am reticent to speak up in meetings. He said I need to work on “acceptance of others” This shit is fucked. I kept doing the meetings for 2 weeks after the dude fucked with me but I never spoke up. I went for 2 more weeks, thinking, maybe they are right, I need to work on that. I heard “acceptance” doesn’t mean you have to like it, so that made sense.
I went for another a month after the guy messed with me, usually more than one meeting a day, but I keep hearing people talking about how much easier it is now they have accepted they can’t control other people’s behavior, they can only control their own reactions, blah, blah, bullshit, because in the next sentence they will say like, “My bitch of an ex-wife did this… and I almost went out and” I’m just bitching now.
I had my biggest fuckup this weekend, since Labor Day and tried another meeting Monday but I can’t say anything, so what the fuck am I doing there? I can’t believe that was only two days ago.
I’m lucky I found that audio book Monday. I never felt more at peace with myself. At the recovery meeting, the self acceptance was, because you did a bad thing it doesn’t mean you are a bad person… So it’s okay for me to keep doing bad shit? Never mind. They talked a lot about accepting your past and you are not your behavior but they also said to treat that little voice in your head that tells you to go out and use as “The Enemy”, give it a name and tell it to fuck off… etc… My biggest takeaway was a young kid in one of the first meetings I did who said, Wait a minute, I have a problem with that, that voice is me, I have to show myself with a little compassion.
Monday and Tuesday, it was painful learning where those voices came from but she said the same thing, they are parts of your personality and you should show them a little compassion and explained one way to do it and luckily it made sense to me and helped me immediately.
I got pissed off about the group therapy last night and I laid back and didn’t feel like getting fucked up, I laid back in bed and did something similar and relaxed and fell asleep eventually. But what am I supposed to do? Meditate for half the day? No, actually, I did calm down and get up and finished my night. Okay, that makes sense. I think I have to do it for a few minutes in the morning because I’ve been up for 6 hours trying to type this but also got up 14 times to eat before I finally managed to do that.
It only takes about ten minutes to chill myself out but I refuse because I am thriving off anger and racing thoughts. Not a good idea… I think I will do it now; keep my promise to myself.
The acceptance of others is harder for me to figure. If someone does something I consider egregious, you know?
But where do I go? Is there a place for me? I got shunned from recovery meetings for dauntlessly mentioning my mental illness and again from a meeting for crazy people for being too crazy. Reminds me of people saying they love people they feel they can be themselves around but ditch me when I am being myself.
Okay, rant over. In ten minutes I should be relaxed.
Deciding whether to publish…