Nobody Weird Like Me

Robot Brain

“Enchanted as a rabbit
That my life is a dream
Well everything is never
Just as it seems

The freakiest show I know
Is the show of my own
Living my life in and out
Of the twilight zone”

“Nobody Weird Like Me” Red Hot Chili Peppers

“I was just sitting there minding my own business” is how I like to start a lot of my stories. Usually it’s true. I started it last night but the rest of it is strange but true. Yesterday afternoon I made a rough plan of what I wanted to do for the night. Nothing major; my most important “accomplishment” was cooking dinner. But that was no mean feat. I blew it off last night because I wasn’t hungry enough to take the pan down to the dumpster to empty the leftover crap. I knew with the way I’ve been lately I had to allot plenty of time for it.

I wanted to do the Zoom meditation at 7pm. I’ve missed them for a couple weeks. They don’t have a lot of them and I just haven’t been home and when I was home, I’ve set alarms for a couple but missed them by turning off the alarm and forgetting 10 seconds later. I am glad I hit it last night. My favorite people were there. The guy I get along with the most; his mom died last week and it was good for him to talk.

Those were the two items I stress and the rest flowed well. Listened to another audio book but it was really an hour long deep breathing meditation for me. It wasn’t meant for meditation, that is what I do when I have to stop moving for a period of time. It was nothing like the first. It was what I would expect from a self help book. Learn to accept yourself just the way you are so you can get into a better relationship and get that promotion at work. I knew it was only an hour and I did learn a few things.

Writing the poem was extra. I wanted to post an old one but it wasn’t in my computer yet and it would have been a lot of typing and while reading it I realized it needs to be rewritten. I blew it off but it was fortunate. I clicked around online and saw, “No Regrets.” My joke when I see that is “No Regrets? You haven’t lived” I got the idea to turn it into a poem. (All of this is extraneous; let’s get to the heart of the beast.)

I didn’t want to go to bed and I was bored so I downloaded Bumble again. I know, I know, maybe I didn’t want to go to bed alone? But what is going happen at 11:30pm on Wednesday? I remember last time I asked that question. This time, nothing happened. Well, something happened but not sex; Still, a lot of fun. I didn’t spend much time on it; I was thinking, why am I doing this; go to bed.

I woke up this morning and had one “match”. But there was no way I swiped right. She was 57, which doesn’t bother me; the woman I hooked up with a couple month ago was the same age. But she did not look like a matronly, grandmother. (Still going off on a tangent.) I don’t swipe right on everyone because I know the algorithms on swipe apps are designed to find who is most likely to pay. People think the more swipes the better their odds, but the algorithm cuts them off and they pay for more swipes. It might sound counter-intuitive but the more you swipe right the less matches you get. The algorithm learns from you and if you swipe on the fake profiles it feeds you more fake profiles, or if you swipe on a lot of people you have nothing in common (they are less likely to accept) with it doesn’t learn what you like and keeps sending people with nothing in common. etc…

I have to read the profiles because if I keep swiping on people who live a hundred miles away or their profile says they like to travel, fine dining, theater, I don’t have any money. You get the idea. The algorithm knows if you are taking your time and reading profiles and a learns to send me people more likely to respond. The more discriminating I am the more matches I get.

Whatever, I know I didn’t choose my grandma, especially when I read her profile saying she we aren’t looking for the same thing. The funny part was at the end she said, if you think we are a match, send me a message. It’s Bumble; Guys can’t send the first message.

It was another super nice day and it’s getting late in the season so I wasn’t going to waste it. Guess where I went? Panera? Bingo! It sucks. I could walk further but the next best thing is Starbucks, or I could get fancy and dine at Chili’s. Are you starting to understand where I live? (Okay, done with the preliminaries, ready to hear my story?)

“I was sitting there minding my own business” and my phone buzzed. It was my potential soulmate. She asked what I was doing and I told her. She said, “I love that place!” Really? I’m bored; I sent a picture of my pizza and asked, “Jealous?” No response, who cares, right? Later, I’m about to leave and get, “Yes, I am. Was it good?”I started to type, “Yes, but now I want… [some more]” and my phone gave me an auto-suggest word, “someone.” I almost sent it but I was tame. She said something about “talk to text getting things wrong” I asked if she was doing that now, she said , yes, why? I told her what happened and asked if she ever played the game where you type in a word and let your phone finish the rest of the sentence?

She said, “Yes it is funny sometimes.” I don’t know what she was doing but I was following the rules. I didn’t type anything manually. Obviously I chose the most interesting of the three words. I started first and came up with, “I want someone to help me with this”, She flaked with, “lol”, What the hell? “Could you please help me?”, I didn’t give her a chance and it came up with, “I think my phone know something about me that I don’t know.” What was next? She said,”I think so too”… “I am just curious about what you think of me.” She got, “Are you a scammer?”, She broke the wall, “Seriously, that is what it came up with, Are you a scammer?”… “Yes, but I am trying not to be rude.” I think she manually typed, “Not rude”

Do you believe this? You won’t believe this, “I am wondering if you will get some free time?” Shit! I can’t remember what she had. Next was, “Are you still up for dinner later tonight?”, I had to break character and tell her I really haven’t changed any words. We did a few more that made sense and she stopped and asked, “Seriously this is me, What do you do for work?” I didn’t want to leave the game but… You know? But I tried one more and got, “I don’t” which is true, but I tried my luck and spun, “I don’t want to waste your time.” Which was also true.

Was I wasting her time? Was I wasting my time? I’m sitting in Panera in nowhereville, laughing for an hour. She obviously had time on her hands… What would she have done instead?

It was weird because when I want my phone to suggest or even finish an obvious word, it comes up with words that aren’t even close to being in context. Never mind full sentences that make sense. It must be our density.

Ha! I just opened up Bumble. “There are no more women in your area who match what you are looking for.” That is funny because I believe there will be 50 more women tomorrow who moved to my area overnight. Also, I can pay to see women who have “liked” me. That does sound enticing! I’m on an app where men can’t send the first message, yes, I would love to pay to see who liked me but not enough to send a message. That would be helpful.

Did you do anything fun today? I didn’t just fuck around all day. I cooked and cleaned the kitchen and bathroom. I was going to vacuum but I could not waste another 55 degree day in November. When I woke up it was below freezing! I had to get out there and create more stories.

3 thoughts on “Nobody Weird Like Me

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