I Don’t Get It?

Heart colored pencils

“Paranoia is in bloom
The PR transmissions will resume
They’ll try to push drugs that keep us all dumbed down
And hope that we will never see the truth around
(So come on)

Another promise, another scene
Another packaged lie to keep us trapped in greed
And all the green belts wrapped around our minds
And endless red tape to keep the truth confined
(So come on)”

“Uprising” Muse

It keeps happening! With all the craziness this past week, I was texting Marnie and remembered why I do like talking to her. I let her bullshit slide and she let’s my bullshit slide because we have a lot in common and interesting lives. (This is not the story)

Everything going on, I forgot I had Bumble on my phone until I got a message last night. Like WTF? I don’t remember the last time I opened the app?

The message was, “Why the profile name, “BoringOldBill?” I get that question a lot, half the time they don’t get it and half the time they do, they are trying to get a conversation started. She didn’t get it. I explained, I thought it might give people cause to pause for more than a fraction of a second before they swiped left. Do you think it was a good idea? I didn’t think she was going to answer but I guess she need an hour to think about it. She sent back, “Maybe, it worked, and I guess it is a “bit” funny. It says in your profile you are active, how do you stay active?

Okay, this broad doesn’t get the joke and she obviously doesn’t get the point of Bumble. It’s for women who are tired of get “hey babe, DTF?” messages all the time. That is why the men can’t send the first message, even if you both like each other. She obviously didn’t get the point of my profile. The username is to get you to stop and read my profile if you get the joke and then you see my whole profile is a joke and if you don’t find it funny, don’t send me a message. They even have prompt questions to start conversations, on of my prompts is, “We may get along if you find this funny” and I put a stupid dad joke but it is pretty funny if you have the same sense of humor.

Active? That is one of the checkbox multiple choice questions, “Athletic, Active or Fatass”. She read my profile, saw it was one big joke and she starts off asking a serious question? Active? How do I stay active? Okay, I’ll try one more joke and that will probably be the end of it, “I bicycle in the summer, walk in spring and fall and shiver in the winter.”

She didn’t answer for a bit but I thought WTF? Why am I always on the defensive? Explaining myself? She didn’t get the joke, why did she answer me? I wrote back, I see on your profile it says you are a social drinker, in my experience that means different things to different people, what does it mean to you?

Now she is explaining herself. Okay, she’s not a heavy drinker, but she’s not a social drinker by definition. A “social drinker” is no more than 2 drinks in one session. A “binge drinker is 4 or more for women and 5 or more for men.” Not a sure thing but one of the “red flags” for addiction. I’m not making this up.

I forget exactly she said like, I see you said sober, where are you in your recovery? Well, that’s a huge assumption… She’s correct but… Alcohol is the only drug people wonder why you don’t drink and assume you have a problem if you don’t drink. Nobody ever asks me why I don’t do heroin. I know plenty of people who don’t drink. My last “serious” relationship was with someone who didn’t drink at all. She didn’t like it. I didn’t ask her to explain herself. But apparently that wasn’t a “serious” relationship by a lot of people’s definitions. (I don’t want to get sidetracked)

I was going to leave leave it, we’re obviously not going to meet but I’m questioning why I’m always the one to prove myself worthy? I swiped on her because I read her profile she mentioned a couple things she liked and said, “let’s meet and see what happens” It doesn’t mean she wants to hook up but I that’s what I do, meet and see if you get along. If not, no problem. But why did she answer me? I had no intention of following through but I was being an asshole.

“Recovery?” She answered, I forget the wording but wondering why I don’t drink. I said, “I just don’t like to drink.”, She said, “How do you feel about people who like to drink socially?”, I said, “I feel great about it! It’s not like I’m a Mormon.”…. Her, “Lol, do you like coffee?”, Me, “Hell Yes!” She asked, “Do you make it yourself at home?” I had to think for a moment, “Are you asking if I like to grind?” (suggestive) “I wouldn’t expect someone to got that far, but that would be pretty impressive!” I said, “Some women like it”… She didn’t hesitate, “I’m beginning to think Boring old Bill isn’t so boring.” If I was a scumbag the way people assume because I like to “hookup” or “FWB”, I could have kept lying and might be telling a different story now. I “unmatched” and went to bed.

I don’t know what people assume about me or with whom I have “not serious” relationships. My last “girlfriend” I was highly qualified in a 20 year career in high technology area. She was a freakin’ genius. The company she worked for was a little concerned one time because some idiot crashed the system by not only accidentally deleting the password, but blocking access to the password and they thought she hacked into it, “a little too quickly”. Companies lost millions of dollars every minute the systems were down. (side tracked) She was making over a hundred grand and was considering switching companies to make more. She rented a house, car, beautiful, sexy, kind, what is she doing with scumbag me who is on disability for a mental illness?

We talked all the time, we knew everything about each other, but we weren’t looking for the same thing. She was still dating and hoping to get married some day and I was still hooking up once in while. We joked about the people we met. I’ll tell you the best one. She met a guy who was looking for a “serious relationship.” Good career, owned a house, two kids, divorced. He took her out on a first date, left the restaurant, said he couldn’t go back to his house because there was a baby sitter, would she like to park out back behind the dumpster and have sex in his car? She said, “See ya” and he called the next day and asked her if she would like to go on another date and meet his kids.

I’m the scumbag? I met her for breakfast, acted like a decent human, she took me back to her place, we talked for 12 hours and had sex all night. Then we had a “not serious” relationship for 3 years.

I’m on a rant because I’m sick of having to explain myself. Being on the defensive. I’m not mistreating people, I’m not lying to anyone. Well I lied last night, but I wasn’t trying to meet her. I shouldn’t have done it but I just snapped. I really haven’t been putting serious effort into meeting someone and maybe I do want more but I don’t want to inflict damage on anyone, you know? (I’m sick of explaining myself as I try to explain myself, lol) Last time a woman didn’t like my answers and stopped talking to me, I thought, wait a minute. She on a dating site saying she is “separated”. Separated is not a legal term, it could mean anything. In her case it meant she was still living in the same house and didn’t like her husband but didn’t want to get divorced until she found someone to move in with. There is something morally wrong with me?

Okay, they are looking for a serious relationship. Do they go on one date and it’s serious? Do they date, talk, go out to dinner once a week and have sex for a couple months until the bigger better deal comes along? I don’t know, I’m know plenty of guys who pretended they were looking for a serious relationship so they could get laid.

I was going to write about something else? What was it? Sorry about the rant. Oh yeah. I got up this morning texted my daughter , love you, she loves me… Started getting ramped up before I bought coffee, thought coffee might not be the best idea, bought some anyway. (Reminds me of that redneck comedian, “you might be manic if you have all the symptoms of mania) I texted N===, I started telling her how, that session changed the way I talk to myself and I haven’t been thinking about drinking but she stopped answering after 2 texts. I know I’m not her problem but I wasn’t expecting that. Same with my mom. I didn’t even tell her the odd stuff but she stopped talking to me. I hope she just fell asleep… WTH? She drank until her 50’s and now she is mad at me for drinking.

I could go without drinking while I was doing the smart meetings but sometimes I would do two meetings a day, do all the things they say, plan to stay busy at night etc.. Most of the time I was fine, sometimes I would do all that and at the last minute go buy beer. I don’t know I can’t do the meetings and all you do is talk about using. I was laughing yesterday about someone standing in the doorway smoking and blowing a big cloud and I was like WTF? Then I thought, I used to do that! I quit smoking ten years ago! I almost forgot. I didn’t have an urge to buy a pack of cigarettes.

I don’t get it, no change in lifestyle, yesterday, football all day, getting pissed off at the world, today, ranting, mind racing, recipe for disaster, but nothing.

I was texting M=== earlier, she is the only one glad to hear about it. What is it with me attracting women who don’t drink. My whole life. I’m not complaining but.. Just weird. She was worried about calling about her heat because she wanted to clean her place before anyone came in. I told her about me not wanting to call about my sink. I knew how she was feeling, I asked her if she felt like it was hard to get started. She said she felt overwhelmed. I told her how I started my kitchen by saying I would just do the stove and if I got that done I would be happy and an hour later the dishes, countertop and sink were done.

It’s a nice day. I think I will go for a walk. I can’t believe it’s almost Thanksgiving! Oh yeah, thanks Matt, I just checked my email for the Zoom link from my therapist and saw you there. 🙂 Thanks, I almost did forget!

I think I am trying to write my journal before my day starts. 2pm, it’s going to be dark in 2 hours.

4 thoughts on “I Don’t Get It?

  1. dating apps are so overrated! I think most people on them arent really looking for serious relationships. I could be wrong, but personally? I wouldnt go on one. I’d be far too nervous about who I would meet on there. X

    Liked by 1 person

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