I Blame You!

Robot Brain

I believe I am going to get along swimmingly with my new therapist!

I don’t remember much but I do have the emails; and a story to tell. Of course, there is always a story to tell.

The first thing I asked her was how she pronounces her name. The French or American way? She didn’t want to tell me. She said either way is fine. I pressed her and said, my grandfather was French-Canadian but pronounced it American style. Okay, she is warming up again. Most people say it American but her family says French. We dispensed the subject. Next I told her about the guided visualization, intensive paychotherapy session and said I don’t need a therapist anymore.

(It translates: to win.)

I am babbling on and let slip the word “broad”. She is like 30, I stopped and said, sorry, I’ve been talking like that since I was 4, I can control myself. She said, no, she thinks it is fun. I didn’t keep talking like that. I was telling her the key parts of the summer try not to rave too much about the synchronicities. I think I did okay. I told her about the beginning of summer and not wanting to meet people online because it used to be a drinking thing. She said something about in public. I said, everyone has their nose in their nose in their phones, isn’t that a big “stay the fuck away” sign? So it was all her fault.

I was about to ask if I needed a new link to each meeting but she disconnected. I wrote her an email yesterday.

Hello M—– (to win),

I forgot to ask if I should save the email with the Zoom link or if there is a new one each meeting. Forgive me I am new to this.Thank you

Good morning! I love that you know what […..] means. That started my day of with some laughter.

No need to apologize! I meant to tell you yesterday😊

I will send a link the night before or morning of each time we have an appointment.

Thank you M—-, I took 4 years of French in high school and all I remember is what my grandfather’s name means. I thought each meeting needed a unique identifier but I forgot to ask yesterday.
I wasn’t really apologizing. I told you I am old school, that is just being polite. Some broads love it. 😝
Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
I checked my junk folder Monday and it wasn’t there but yesterday it was. I marked it as “not junk” so you should show up in my inbox.

Thanks again.

I will see you again next week! I will send you the link the day before or in the morning.

“I was very relaxed all day yesterday. Very… Calm, thinking, cool it’s over, I’m reading Jung no problem, when for the longest time I could barely sit through 20 minutes of an audio book. But the first few chapters were geopolitical and I thought it wasn’t the right book at all. I was about to drop it but checked the table of contents and the second half was all the shit from my poems. dreams, unconscious, function of religious symbols. Whatever, I’ve calmed down, plenty of time to come back and read it. Then 7:55pm happened. These numbers don’t mean anything to me. All day I was thinking, who the hell decided whichever number means what? Bunch of bullshit.

Okay the story, I was in Panera yesterday, (again?) I had to get out of the house for a while but I have been spending too much money. I only got coffee. (N—-, laughed at me, said I was officially old, when I texted her the story)

A woman was sitting to the left of me. People go there to set up shop and use the free wifi for their laptops and phones. That is what she was doing. I couldn’t be cranking my head around and staring. But I saw as I walked past. She was beautiful and had a style, medium hair, the right glasses, dark, loose knit sweater, the corduroy pants, like, burnt umber? Doc Marten’s, looked like she was dressed professionally to work in an office environment. I’m pretty fucking observant for just passing, the rest of the time I was texting and staring ahead wondering what the hell I was doing there?

Coming back from the bathroom, just going to get out of there, about to toss my coffee, thinking, See? She is closed down her business and her face in her phone. But she looked up, half smile, nothing really, but my fucking therapist pops into my head and I pointed at her phone and said, you’re not going to find me in there. stupid, but whatever, I did have time to think. Here is the funniest part. She got a quizical look, reached up, pulled out an earbud, (holy shit! she had them in both ears!) and said, “What?” I wanted to crawl under the carpet, I was so embarrassed, I shook my head and walked towards the door and outside.

Just want to get home, what the fuck are you doing, you idiot? She’s like 30 years old, fucking asshole… I hate being embarrassed. Then I thought of the “pronoun switching” I switch “you” (me) to “He”, “He’s a fucking idiot!” I don’t know why this works so well but it works so I am going with it. Every time I do it I just start laughing, like, Who the fuck is “He?” I understand, why it works… It makes as much sense to do that as it does to call myself an idiot. By the time I got home I was laughing at myself and couldn’t wait to tell someone. (I meant to write this last night but you know…) I texted N—- and she’s sending me GIF’s of the Fonz combing his hair in the mirror and I think “Joey” from Friends, “How you doin'” I was crying. I don’t know, a few weeks ago I probably would have gotten drunk from embarrassment. There are a lot of different emotions tied up with it. Not just for me, people in general. I think I will say, “You Bitch!” to my therapist next week and tell her the story. Unless things keep happening, it’s only been one day.

All morning I’ve been back at it, trying to do everything at once, getting upset about having to stop and eat or even to go to the bathroom. And Freakin’ M—–, keeps texting me, she doesn’t know I was stripped down while I was lying in bed picking up my phone and and putting it down and parts of what I was doing to create “energy”. Well now she does. I was trying to keep notes while I typed this but it is another post I may not write about.

(a little bit,)

“It was just a means of creating energy for a while and then I stopped. That’s why I texted can you see me. My whole brain and body was the dynamo. The bright blue spiraling electromagnectic stream inside and surrounding me from my feet all the way through my body out of my mind, pointed towards you. That’s why I texted are you in Amesbury.”

“It wasn’t sexual. it was kind of but creating energy. I didn’t finish. I got out of bed, to some screen shots of our texts, talked to you, finally fell asleep”

She keeps telling me I have to watch this movie, “Legion” and the name is from the bible about a legion of demons in this guy’s head he hears as voices. I don’t know if I want to see it, but she sent a short audio and it was the same fucking static electric crackling sound I heard during the episode last night and there was a conversation, some of it made sense, can’t even remember now, it ended saying something about going into the kitchen. Why? That is where I ended up last night when I stopped everything cold and went to the kitchen to see the “real” time, which is where I saw 2:22 and 3:33 last summer and laughed to myself about her. (different post I guess)

She is trying to tell me blue is the color of communication being kinder and gentler, I don’t fucking know.

Last night I was determined I was going to take an Uber to Portsmouth from now and get back in the afternoon, but I’m thinking that may not be the best idea with my doctor scheduled to call at 4pm.

9 thoughts on “I Blame You!

  1. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a few years younger than you or just a different setting, but when I was growing up, the only people i ever heard saying “broad” were my parents, and they would use it in a dismissive sort of way.

    I didn’t realize there was an American pronunciation of (to win). It seems unfortunate to make a perfectly good name sound ugly.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, they say gag-nee.
      Yeah, broad was early 1900’s slang for prostitute, loose woman. when I was a kid early 70’s. and sexual liberation it was embraced. To say to someone “you dumb broad” was a good thing, like the closer you were to someone the more you could say. I can’t think of an equivalent. I keep popping up with the Saturday Night Live thing, Chevy Chase saying “Jane you ignorant slut” every week on the news skit.
      It’s difficult because I don’t have the connotation, A lot of people do. I don’t care how many partners someone has had or has at the same time. I put it in my writing for effect thinking others get the joke. I use it in real life sparingly. Other people people I know calling a woman a slut is to be denigrating and hurtful. It is different with me, I can’t explain it. Like my therapist is younger generation, looks and talks like anyone else. I have no idea of someone’s history, They might be 25 or 75 years old. I am confusing myself.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I sometimes get mixed up with what generation words really belong to because of who I’ve heard say them. For example, the only person in my life I ever heard talking about slacks (as in pants) was my grandma, so I assumed it was a dinosaur term. Then just recently I found out it’s still in use. Who knew?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. lol slacks, My grandmother too.
        I was thinking a shorter answer would have been periods when it was “okay’ for women to enjoy sex, Like the ’20’s are remembered for “flappers”, ‘
        “Dame” used to be an insult, then in the ’40’s it was a good thing being said in all the “moving pictures” lol
        I don’t call women “honey” or “sugar” , that was considered more offensive to women who called themselves “broads.”
        I grew up in a different world. I use it in my writing thinking people can hear my voice.
        How is that for a short answer.lol

        Liked by 1 person

      3. My mom and her sisters were all strong, independent single mothers and that’s where I learned to talk. I thought everyone talked like that. Then I got into school.
        I married N— because she won’t put up with any BS but I tell stories talking this way and she tells me I should write a book. It depends on the person. I know when to drop the vernacular.

        Liked by 1 person

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