Robot Brain

“I’ll be your chauffeur on a midnight drive
It takes a miracle just to survive”

“Nicotine and Gravy” Beck

It took me six hours to write my post last night and I got it all wrong. I just gave up around 5am. I forgot the story I was trying to tell. I kept getting up, walking around my apartment, laughing about how I was worried I might run out of stories when I started this blog. I even made a long list of topics I haven’t written about yet.

It was supposed to be a snapshot of my aunt but I was laughing too hard wondering how the hell did I forget about this story? I suppose it informs a lot about my outlook on life. How many kids grew up in a bar with a secret strip joint in the back. Maybe it’s not so funny. It’s the absurdity of it all. I remember seeing the door swing shut and catching glimpses of half naked women and not thinking twice about it. Well, I thought twice but not appropriate thoughts for a seven year old.

So much has happened since, it’s just so funny. I know I tell a lot of stories that start in a bar but I spent more time in bars not drinking before the age of ten than I spent in bars legally. I didn’t even go to a bar for my 21st birthday.

I was getting the giggles about searching for a picture of the outside but all I could find was that flyer. It’s the only evidence I found that the place existed. It was advertised as a collector’s item. I went to the website to find how much they were asking and saw I would have to register and PAY for a membership to find out. They weren’t even sure if it was from the sixties or the seventies! They should be paying me. I know exactly when it was proper to drop a dollar on a sixty cent drink. That was a good fucking tip! Forty percent!

I don’t have any money and I still tip like that. I’m not trying to impress anyone. I just know people in service industry depend on tips. I leave 20 percent if someone just does the bare minimum. I don’t know how it is now but it used to be legal to pay servers much less than minimum wage. Someone has to be pretty fucking rude for me to stiff them. They don’t have to kiss my ass or flirt with me. The only times I’ve done it is when I can tell someone assumes for whatever reason, I’m young, or the way I’m dressed, you know… And they throw an attitude. They determined the outcome. In fact I’ve never stiffed anyone. I’ll leave a dime and three pennies on the table just to be a dick. So the know I’m not being cheap or I forgot. ( I forgot where I was going with this too, still laughing)

“Live five years if I take my time,
Ballin’ that jack and a drinkin’ my wine.”

“Easy Wind” Grateful Dead

No, I’m not drinking. I was out walking and remembered being at this dude’s house with my mom when I was 16, there were a few people her age partying in the kitchen and I was in the living room messing around with his acoustic. He kept coming out asking how was doing, do I want a beer? Blow a joint? I’m like, no thanks, I’m straight edge and I’m the designated driver anyway…. It made me laugh, I was the designated driver since I could reach the pedals. (Everything is funny today… Funny?)

“You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it’s me, I’m a little fucked up maybe, but I’m funny how, I mean funny like I’m a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?” Joe Pesci in Goodfellas

Oh yeah, the dude, he asked if I wanted to keep the guitar and gave me the song book, with the chords and lyrics to the American Beauty album by the Grateful Dead. I knew the “high on cocaine song” we used to sing when we were kids but that was it. I went out and bought it and that’s how I learned to play. I’m listening to it now but I’m not a deadhead. I like some songs, Friend of the Devil is good, “Got a wife in Chino babe and one in Tennessee, First one say she got my child but it don’t look like me.”

(Fuckin’ M==== keeps sending me Youtube links to full length movies she wants me to watch. Like okay, I’ll just drop everything and watch 90 minutes of whatever she’s into at the moment. She said, no pressure, use my intuition. Okay, I did. I know I don’t work but I do things. I’m not saying anything important right now but it’s important to me. I’m expressing myself.)

I’ve been in the vicinity of the Dead many times but I’ve only seen them play live once. It was the end of the weekend and they thought it would be nice to put on an extra slow show. Ugh… We didn’t go for the music, we went to get twisted and people watch. The show I wish I did see was in Worcester, MA. We got a hold of some good shrooms and they played all their faster, rock ‘n roll type songs at double speed. It was frenzied! It was simulcast on radio and people were parked on the city streets with their systems blasting. One of the best concerts I’ve attended.

Oh yeah, my doctor yesterday. I was afraid I would start babbling and I wrote a script to practice. It was nothing complicated. Just a quick check in phone call. He was the one that started babbling! Hey, how you been doing? Pretty good except I had to sit around on this nice day waiting for your dumb ass to call. Aww… Bill, you should have blown me off, I would have blown me off if I were you. I tried to yesterday but your secretary didn’t even open the book and said, nothing for December… Still, you know, yeah, my friend called me today and said he had the “golfer’s flu”, great, I’m stuck in the office, I wish I was out there.

I’m thinking, this motherfucker, he diagnosed me with alcohol use disorder and he’s telling me I should have blown him of to get drunk and play golf! I bet he can’t wait to get home and pour a scotch over an ice cube. He asked me how my daughter was doing and I told him we have been bonding over music. He was off and running after that, he’s telling me one of his kids only listens to rap, Rap! Rap! That’s It! My other one listens to good music, well, what I like to call the good music, Buffalo Springfield and… I kept him rollin’, Oh yeah, I used to listen to that when I was a kid… Yeah, okay, he says I’m doing much better, I guess he isn’t worried.

(She just texted me another link! No pressure? Even if I watched the first one I would have time for another. A third one! I just left the room for a second? I’ve been letting her slide a lot because she is a nice person and )

I guess it was a good idea I didn’t mention the Super sexual psychotic symbiosis I had going on the other night, “Generating” electromagnetic waves with certain parts of my body and sending them through the atmosphere. Until I stopped after 4 hours and banged it all out on the computer while I snacked on 2 pounds of steamed brussel sprouts like they were potato chips.

The fucking sprouts, yeah, I love them but I haven’t had them for a long time. It was an impulse buy. I didn’t want do it but I searched, “Why am I craving Brussel Sprouts?” Not what I was expecting… A study by John Hopkins, First result, “Glutamate and schizophrenia”. Alright, “I’m your huckleberry, That’s just my game.” … “Foods high in glutamate”, Of course the sprouts, and others, then, spinach? I was craving that all summer! I finally bought some and now I eat 2 heaping plates a week. That’s what got me started, but not the way you think… I was watching Food Network and searched “Why do they call it comfort food” and spinach came up. Made sense, magnesium, anxiety, I guess, but I didn’t search, “glutamate and spinach.” Whatever, I’m confused by the glutamate, I don’t care, I don’t want to eat pounds of Brussel sprouts each day. I give up, but what is that at the bottom of the list? Fucking lentils… Of course. I’m not doing any more searches! I know I consciously bought them on purpose and I do like them but it wasn’t my plan to chow them all at two in the morning. I ate plenty that day, I didn’t have the munchies. Plenty of food in the fridge to choose.

I’m not a health nut, I thought I was eating lentils for protein and fiber. I’ve been eating a lot of sausage and pepperoni pizza. Probably not going to google that!

In other news, my doctor is right, I do sound better. When Covid came and we started doing phone calls I was angry manic and yelled and cursed at him for the whole call. Every month for at least a year. He would try to interrupt me and I would get more pissed. I didn’t even know what I was pissed about. He would say, Hey. Hey. Hey. Make an appointment for next month.

I am doing okay. I only slept about eight hours this week but I can still maintain. “insane in the membrane, cypress hill” I”m eating meals I am preparing myself. I kept all my appointments. I’m putting my family first. Today I kept my promises and extra. Haven’t done anything too weird. ha ha besides the Electric Light Orchestra in my bedroom but that stayed inside my apartment, except for the metaphysical part. I sound crazy with the numbers going on but I’m not chasing that rabbit. the numbers don’t mean anything to me. I’m not looking for it but it happens. My doctor hung up at 4:44, I was checking my phone waiting to see. Today I picked up my phone at 2:22 to text my mom. I didn’t know what fucking time it was…

Speaking of my mom I did a per-emptive Thanksgiving strike on her. I pinned her down on plans because she usually makes plans without telling me until the day before and gets upset I don’t want to do it. It did backfire on me a bit. She said my brother was working and asked if we could do something here. Sure! She said great, I can come over the night before and your brother can come after he gets out of work. ????? I guess she did have plans.

My fucking brother I was just telling someone I barely see him and I keep my mouth shut. Why does he have to come out with the sarcastic, “I was joking but I wasn’t really joking” bullshit? He can pull that shit at his house but I’ll kick him out of here. .

I don’t know, I’ve been doing okay with the self acceptance and the life acceptance, they go hand in hand, but the acceptance of others. I need some time with that one. I want to go on huge rant about my brother but I’ll just be breaking my mood.

My mood is, Linkin Park: Hybrid Theory.

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