Swan Song

“Hate, if you want to hate
If it keeps you safe
If it makes you brave

Pray, if you want to pray
If you like to kneel
If you like to lay”

“My Wave” Soundgarden

You know every fucking band he was in was the “Chris Cornell Band”, right? “You know I’m headed for the bottom, I’m riding you all the way”

My diagnosis? My prognosis? Suicide: Average age of onset; 32. You think my poem, “Cheating death for one more day was written by accident? He fucking wrote his suicide note in album form in1994 and it was critically acclaimed.

How long have I been doing great? Everyone thinks I’m doing great, right? Things done changed.

Things done changed today. I asked the stupid question, “what’s up? Why?” I was doing good, I was waiting for the cable guy to show. He showed, of course I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. But, who cares , he’s the cable guy.

But I knew last week I was planning my relapse. I’m not sure, maybe my relapse was meeting eight women. Thank goodness, looked up the restaurant on Yelp! I was thinking 5$ burger Tuesday. Greasy spoon, right? Oh no! I saw some pictures of this place. 50 foot bar with a white patent leather bumper and matching captain’s chairs and that is not even where these broads were sitting. No! Circular tables with pink tablecloths that hung elegantly to floor level and matching over-sized face wipes draped in all eight positions around the table. I would not have fit in even if I had a suit and tie.

“I got some dirt on my shoe”. I’m loving these armchair psychologist giving me remedies for insomnia when I say I’ve only been sleeping 2 hours a night for months. Oh, yes, thank you, I thought insomnia was when you try to sleep but you lie awake and toss and turn for hours. What if my problem is I never try to go to sleep because I don’t want to sleep? I have to force myself to lie down just to get soothed.

Oh yeah, my mom, is this her swan song? We did all the things we did when I was a kid. I don’t know? I pushed her over the edge. I didn’t let her sleep. I am a maniac. We were laughing all 5 days but one day I forgot to calm myself and made her cry. I felt so bad but it was okay. I just lost my shit, I lose my shit all the time.

Am I imaging things? Did she come here to say goodbye? She is in perfect health.

I was doing well until I realized after the cable

oh yeah, these word are so prettyh, myh fabvorit nsband? “

There’s something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling
I can’t seem”

Crawling in my skin by Linkin Park? You knowwhtere that leads? right? fuking Chris cornell was 52.. Im 52… Nne of this makes sense.

Fst fwd.. back up slip up, hiccup! I’m waking home bored outta my fukin mindeQ you got a q? fuking gonna turn around sticl out my thumb and see who pics me up right? no I’m laughin what’s tisgonna be. somethingis ghont to happen, right? righ?

ThenI’m thinking, it starts with one thing I don’t know why??? Yeha, I all these bitches looking for adventure on daating sites, what “adventure?” wine mome with three kids 18’16 and 2? 2? didn[‘t save the marriahe hut? Wou gonna bring achild into this world to self soothe?

Where ever adventure. alright. I got 10 grand in free credit? let’s pack up your three kids in youj care and see how far it gets us! right? rightrt?J

uyOUTKN know what the uck I am talking about. I had fortyh fuiking years of adveture.. I heitchiked around tthe country three times? I lived in a van with my gf 40 thousand miles in a year on 500doollas.

is that the adventure you are looknt for? you want to be a leather tramp? a rubber tramp? or you ust want to sit home and tell me I; m wasting YOUr time cuzx z Im not serious ?????

I got another one tody? Whyh tyou call yoursel boring? Uh? If I have to exz plain the joilke it takes all the fuking funny out of it. I am all dont with ithis shit. She was boring me to death. she live inb the best twon round and taling bout wathing the cxmas ttree lighting??? the day after thanksgiving.??? how fuking exicting for a guy from the islsand of misfit towys? right wtf?

Everythinjg is okay iutil youask why? why? whoh non what are youtalikg bout? I nedcan[tteven type my emotions. anbd they say youstr noy duppodf yo libr in yout rmoyiondzz/ what am I supposeed to do not get angrey? nto cruy over chris cornell, blind melnot. shit I care abouit but not suuitable??? do you care???

5 thoughts on “Swan Song

      1. I was watching a video yesterday about the Voyager spacecraft having passed through the heliopause, which is where solar wind stops and there’s this layer of hydrogen plasma that’s 89,000º F. It made me think hot damn, there’s a way to have a fucked up experience. Moseying along in freezing cold outer space and boom, a wall of hot as fuck plasma. Sign me up for that shit.

        Liked by 1 person

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